A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently posted about moving countries. I've moved countries and been with my partner for over a year and a half. He seems reluctant to start a family but i really want too! we've been arguing and mostly he's been silent. What should I do? I've given him a year and a half already but he's not even interested in sex yet he says he loves me and that I am pretty? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): I agree with the female anon who suggests you start making plans to become a single mother either by use of anonymous official sperm donors or by adoption. If having children is your dream you should pursue it but it isn't fair to twist some guy's arm just because you a dream. You follow your path and let him follow his. The problem I see all the time is that women want kids but not just kids. They also want a male helper to go along as well to provide financial support and also hands on help. They try to force whichever guy they are with at the time (due to biological clock ticking away) into this role they envision for him. These women have the rest of their guy's life all mapped out for him and it is to serve their (the women's) agenda of producing and supporting her family. It's not selfish to want children but it is selfish to want to change another persons life against their will to fulfill YOUR agenda. I have seen it happen and while in some cases the woman got her way and managed to coerce or guilt trip or trick or trap a guy into marriage and kids, she is happy she got what she wanted while he becomes bitter and resentful and eventually (years down the road) leaves her or cheats on her. Moral of the story is don't force an unwilling guy to go down the path you are on. It leads to relationship disaster eventually even if it "works" in the short term which it often doesn't anyway. But don't let that stop you pursuing your dream of having kids. Just do it by yourself if you don't have a willing partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): Your relationship is already over. You need to break up and move on and look for a new partner who does want the same things in life you do. The longer you stay with this guy the more time you are wasting!! I suggest you start the process going to have children on your own as a single parent without any partner in the picture. Go to a sperm bank if you want to try for a pregnancy. Otherwise start applying to he an adoptive parent. Basically I don't believe you should cancel your dream of becoming a parent. But this guy you're with now doesn't want kids and it isn't fair to force him to have kids so you should just leave him alone. Having kids is your dream not his. So you do it on your own and wont involve him and don't expect any support from him. He is free to stay or leave, either way it will not stop you becoming a parent.Simply put. It is your dream to have kids, not his. So you should go on your own and do it as a single mother. No one else is obligated to want the same thing as you but you don't need them to be. If you don't want to go it alone and be a single mom then it means you don't want children badly enough. In which case all the more you should not force him to follow you.Having kids, and having a romantic committed life partner, are two completely separate issues. Ideally you would get both but you do not need both so stop trying to force an unwilling man to do both. You do have options to do be a parent on your own.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 Well.... looks to me like the two of you aren't "in sync" in this matter.... so the only real "answer" id for YOU to find a partner who WANTS to spawn with you... and let this OTHER GUY (the one you're with)..... go!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2013):
 You are living in a sex-less relationship where you two fight a lot and you want kids? Why? You think having kids will stop the fighting? Make him more attracted to you?
I'm sorry, if you ask me, the relationship is doomed, sounds more like a friendship/room mates then a romantic relationships. It's not that hard to TELL some one that you love them, but does he show it? And are you content with NO sex?
You two have spend 1 1/2 years and it's at the point where you both need to shit or get of the pot.
The fact that he is willing to give you a ticket kind of tells me that he can't wait for you to leave.
He isn't feeling this relationship at all. He might LOVE the IDEA of the two of you, but not the reality of it.
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A
male
reader, Mokoj  +, writes (13 October 2013):
if hes not interrested in sex with you now he most probably would never be,
he is used to being with you
more than he claims he realy love you,
speak to him a final time
and go to a sex therapy or simply end it wit him and look for another man,
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 Thank you for your response, my darling.
I feel so sad for you.
It's a huge thing to move to a new country to be with the person you love but this is not the happy ending you no doubt thought it would be.
If he's not feeling any chemistry then that's a shame and, to be honest, you can't make it happen, it's either there or it isn't. It's just a pity he didn't realise this before you moved to be with him.
If the chemistry isn't there then why do you stay?
You obviously have an idea of a future that involves a loving partner and children, but that isn't going to happen with this man.
You said you would leave and he didn't want to stop you.
My guess is that you hadn't spent a lot of actual time together before moving in with him and it hasn't worked out as well as you had hoped.
It looks like this relationship is over my darling and I'm sad for you but at least you can be true to yourself and follow that dream of a family.
Wanting a man who shows you love and affection and desires children with you is not asking for the world and there are loads of guys out there who want just that.
I hope you have somewhere you can go and friends and family to love and support you as you readjust.
I wish you lots of love and happiness.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): I am the original poster. Yes i moved country a year and half ago to be with him I am currently living with him.
He's not interested in sex because he says he feels no chemistry but he says he loves me.
I am 35 currently, not 41-50 I think it posted wrong?
He's reluctant because we've had some arguments regarding his lack of affection to me (via sex) and also because he doesn't do romantic stuff or says "I love you's".
I wonder why he is with me. Tonight we argued and he walked out to cool off. I have told him its best i leave and he said he will get my ticket.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 October 2013):
This is a difficult one.
There's very little detail to go on.
Have you moved country to be with your boyfriend? Are you living with him now?
You say he isn't interested in sex yet, does he say why?
I don't know your exact age but between 41 and 50 years doesn't give you an unlimited time to conceive successfully.
Does you partner say why he's reluctant? Only he will know the answer.
Based on what info I do have;
You want children, well a child at least.
You think your partner is reluctant but don't know why.
You need to stop arguing and start talking, properly!
Find out why he's not ready and see if it's something you guys can remedy.
If he doesn't want kids ever, then that's his prerogative but presents you with a major issue.
You can't force him to have children but then are you prepared to let go of your dream?
If not then you would need to start again with someone new and you don't know how long it would take to meet the right guy, fall in love and both be ready for that level of commitment.
Of course there's no guarantee that you would be able to conceive even if all this worked out.
There are an awful lot of what if's and various different roads you could travel and decisions to be made. So I would suggest that you talk to your boyfriend and find out exactly what he wants and where he sees you both heading.
Only then can you make some decisions.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 October 2013):
This is a difficult one.
There's very little detail to go on.
Have you moved country to be with your boyfriend? Are you living with him now?
You say he isn't interested in sex yet, does he say why?
I don't know your exact age but between 41 and 50 years doesn't give you an unlimited time to conceive successfully.
Does you partner say why he's reluctant? Only he will know the answer.
Based on what info I do have;
You want children, well a child at least.
You think your partner is reluctant but don't know why.
You need to stop arguing and start talking, properly!
Find out why he's not ready and see if it's something you guys can remedy.
If he doesn't want kids ever, then that's his prerogative but presents you with a major issue.
You can't force him to have children but then are you prepared to let go of your dream?
If not then you would need to start again with someone new and you don't know how long it would take to meet the right guy, fall in love and both be ready for that level of commitment.
Of course there's no guarantee that you would be able to conceive even if all this worked out.
There are an awful lot of what if's and various different roads you could travel and decisions to be made. So I would suggest that you talk to your boyfriend and find out exactly what he wants and where he sees you both heading.
Only then can you make some decisions.
I hope this helps AB x
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