A
female
age
,
*siablu
writes:I have been with my Boyfriend for just over 1 year now. In the begining we had sex all the time, he could not keep his hands off me. As the year went on, it dwindled to once a week, to once a month now once every 2 months.He says he loves me. He is very affectionate. He cuddles with me, he snuggls with me, he smacks my butt as I walk by, he kisses me. He tells me he loves me MANY times per day. We never fight we never argue.He is NOT gay, he is NOT cheating, of these 2 things I am sure. He says he does not masterbate and I believe him. He does not go on the computer so it is not an internet issue. He does not appear depressed in any way. There is no medical issue as far as I know (I know he would tell me if there was)I have asked him what the problem is and he says there is no problem. I have asked him if he is not attracted to me and he says he is very attracted to me. I told him I really feel he is not attracted to me and he asked me to please do not tell him how he feels and that he is attracted to me. I have asked him if I am not good in bed he claims that I am. I have asked him on several occasions to please give me some kind of answer so I can understand the problem and he INSISTS there is no problem and yet we do not have sex. In every other way he is the perfect boyfriend everything I have been looking for my whole life. He has told me the same that I am everything he ever wanted. He insists he is very happy with me and has no desire to be with anyone else EVER.I have told him this really hurts me and it makes me feel bad about myself but I get no answers.I am totally an completly confused PLEASE HELP.
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female
reader, asiablu +, writes (11 April 2009):
asiablu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. Its nice to know I am not alone. It has been a long time since I first posted. Last December I think. Nothing has changed we still dont have sex but I really love this man and I am convinced he loves me too. I am still confused but I just accept it. He still claims there is no problem, he is attracted to me, he is happy with me and he will never leave me. When we do have sex (about every 2 months) he has no problem getting an errection. I still debate wether I can live in a sexless relationship but I would hate to make a hasty decision. I know for a fact hes not cheating not even masterbating and I would never cheat on him. He still works alot of hours and he is still very affectionate. I dont really know what to do except let time tell if this is acceptable. This is the only problem we have in our relationship so I figure I am luckier then most women. Keep posting please it helps to know its not just me.
A
female
reader, notsocoy  +, writes (10 April 2009):
i googled a question very similar to your heading "my partner has lost his sex drive"! i was very surprised to see that there are many women who have this same issue with their men. I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, he is 27! We have had a great adventurous sex life, infact he bought me my first vibrator. Sex became very few and far between about 2 1/2 years ago. I have a high sex drive so when the probelms first staredit was very frusterating but i never took it out on him i just did what every good girl does and ignored it and convinced myself it was hix work bla blabla......we started to argue alot (not about sex) about everything els, i was sexually frusterated and he was well...who knows he wasnt very forthcoming with details.We went out for dinner one night with some friends and he went off with his mate to go gamble and told me to just get over it.... well u know what..no sex, bad temper, shovanistic behaviour makes me a very different person...that night and all the next day i had the BEST sex of my life!He was a personal trainer and his only consern was making me come and pleaseing me...it was like he was in my head and knew "oh this poor chic, i show her that not allguys are like that!"i was soooo atracted to this guy i had to pull myself away from him because i dont think i would have left...ever!I got home and felt amazing! he was still in a bad mood. Our relationship continued to have its ups and downs literally, we would have sex but he couldnt keep it up, he wouldnt come, it was 30 secs.....on and on all the same, and he didnt even know!!!!i ended up telling him about 8 months later (not that it was the best sex mind you) he was upset bla bla bla we made up..we continued to have sex see councelers and all was seeminly ok.Now hes on a new diet to gain muscle mass and loose body fat...he is not fat and never ahs had a weight problem....and i havent had sex for 2 months.......he says its his work and training making him tired..... and making him loose his labido......im stuck for ideas...i need to have sex its killing me......!!!! im afraid ill cheat again as the lack of intimcay is litteraly ripping me up on the inside.......my heart feels heavy i dont feel loved and i need to have sex....WHY does an 27 yr old guy who is fit and has an active social life not want to have sex?????
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A
female
reader, notsocoy +, writes (10 April 2009):
i googled a question very similar to your heading "my partner has lost his sex drive"! i was very surprised to see that there are many women who have this same issue with their men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Hi. After reading this I felt it was me writing it! I am exactly the same! My partner and i have sex about once every 3 months! He says he's tired from work but then he's had weeks off on end and still nothing! He gets an erection but then loses it! I have a high sex drive so it drives me nuts that he doesn't so i shut up and accept it! I never presure him and sometimes feel i can't even try because he says i ruin it by trying and it's pressure! If i didn't try we really wouldn't have sex ever! He buys me sexy basques etc often but never worn them as i did once and he chuckled saying wat are you wearing that for? DERRRRRR well ya know i was just off to tesco!!!! Daft sod! I know that was out of order for him, But we are great as a couple he is NOT cheating and he is really cuddly and affectionate! But then i really do feel it's me as he just doesnt seem to want to while we are at it and looks like he'd rather be reading the MSN news! There is passion in me and i really try but he says it must be medical but he easily gets an erection and when i try and ask about it (because of course we need to talk about it) He goes in a mood! This is a huge problem for me! I would never go anywhere else for it but i do get alot of offers when im out but he feels so confident that i'd never cheat and in a way this annoys me! Sex is not everything but when he won't even try this is a big problem for me! I just feel he is not at all sexualy attracted to me! If he's not then fair enough i'll get else where! This is how it makes me feel! We have been together for nearly 3 years and this started when i moved in with him nearly 2 years ago! Apart from this problem we have the best relationship ever! We are so loving toards each other but when it comes to me having a tease he looks up from pc smiles with a chuckle then looks back at pc! I got a good body and work out and could be stood there in basque sussies etc! I'm a fun person and have toys and experiment but still nothing! I just don't understand and there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong apart from him having no attraction to me! Has anyone got any advice as im seriously going crazy! If you also believe he doesnt seem sexualy attracted to me please say!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I think your living with my husband! It's crazy isn't it? I just don't get it! I have men propositioning me all the time! I do not carry myself in a way to initiate it. My husband cheated on me( supposingly)1 time about 4 years ago. He said it was only once. Yea yea, I already know 1 time too many!!! I chose to forgive him! But, I just feel something is not right.anyway,everything you said about your husband its the same here except that we've been together for 11 years! I've been through it but just keep your eyes open!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Thanks for the update. Relax and be yourself. Hopefully when he feels less pressured for sex or sexual performance he might regain his libido. Allow him to relax and try to avoid sex for sometime. Be loving and give him lots of affection. Flirt with him and tease him (subtly). A good vitamin booster and supplement can help to enhance his general well being, provide him with extra energy and hopefully more.
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A
female
reader, asiablu +, writes (5 December 2008):
asiablu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had our talk tonight. He insists he loves me and the only problem is that he is tired from work. He leaves at 6am and gets home at 7 or 8pm. He does work hard. He swears its nothing to do with me and if it was he would absolutly tell me. He was frustrated that he had no answer to give and frustrated that i could not understand that there is no answer that he feels i will accept.I still find it odd, sex isnt like another job in fact it helps relax, at least that is how I see it. I dont know maybe I am taking it all wrong. He does appear to be sincere about the whole thing.I guess as long as i can believe that it is not me, i can deal with the lack of sex thing.Thanks all for your help. Any other feedback will be appreciated. I think that for now ill just accept that he is just tired and see what happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): I must stress that you must not allow this to become a problem to your self esteem. Please, do realize, that is is not you! I think counseling will be in the interest of both of you. However, if he has problems, I suggest you have a talk and give him an ultimatum. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you cannot allow his problem to make your life miserable and to effect your self esteem and self confidince. You need to have a very loving and understanding attitude without taking this as a reflection on yourself. Honestly, if you want this relationship to survive, I have only one suggestion: COUNSELING.
However, please, stop thinking is you. Relax and just be yourself. Have a good talk and take it from there. If for some reason he does not want to go for counseling, I think you need to reconsider this relationship.
I am so sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to be realistic and stop blaming yourself. This guy must come to the "table" and admit there is a problem and be willing to do something about it. If not, I am afraid, he is hiding something from you. Always remember, you are great, you are the best, you have done nothing wrong, and trust me there are lots of guys out there hoping to have a woman like you.
I sincerely hope you can resovle this, but never doubt yourself.
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A
female
reader, asiablu +, writes (4 December 2008):
asiablu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I posted earlier, he has had no problems in the past, I speak to his ex wife they had a healthy sex life. His erections are fully hard when we do have sex. He is completly aroused and has normal orgasms, he orgasms everytime we have sex.
Him feeling ashamed of something would be the equivalent of Dr House not having an ego LOL. Besides I can not imagine what he MIGHT feel ashamed of.
I have blamed myself in everyway you can imagine. Im not pretty enough (Tho I know im prettier then his EX LOL). Im not good enough in bed, im not exciting enough etc etc etc...
We were SUPPOSED to have a talk tonight but when he came in from work he claimed he did not feel well, he ate and went to bed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Hello again, so if it is not hormones, than maybe he has erectal dysfunction.Does he gets full erections,when you have sex, or is it softer, than it used to be?
I s it possible that he feels ashamed for something?
Also,I think it would be important to find out ,if he had any problem before, with sex , with his wife?
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A
female
reader, asiablu +, writes (4 December 2008):
asiablu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is 44. I dont think it is hormones, like I said when we met a year ago he was a sex machine. I let him read this post and asked him if we could talk tonight. He said "We will see". We still didnt have sex but he did become even more attentive, snuggling even more etc...
It appears to me that even he is not sure why he does not want sex. All I know is that being a woman I take it very personally and its really eating me up inside because I dont want to lose him and yet, I dont think I can live with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): How old is your man? Could it be his hormones?
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A
female
reader, asiablu +, writes (3 December 2008):
asiablu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think what I am looking for is an answer. WHY would something like this happen? And I think I was looking for something like "Oh dont worry this is normal in most relationships". But on the inside I know its not. This really sucks because in every other way he is all I have ever wanted.
Someone just shoot me LOL
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Ouch dear, this is the kind of situation that makes matters so much more complicated. Honestly, if he is not prepared to admit and acknowledge that there is a problem, well, no matter what anyone suggests,if he will not co-operate, it is unfortunately not a good sign for you. I wish I there was a quick solution or answer, but I am afraid that without his co-operation, there is not much you can do. I don't want to go into the different methods and discuss the alternatives on this site, but I suggest maybe you should consult a doctor or counselor and get some professional advice on dealing with this situation. If you love him and think there is a possibility for a future, I reccommend you try it.
With the personal guidance and input of a counselor you might be able to find a solution to this problem and maybe the counselor can ultimately invite him to attend to. But I am afraid, this does not sound good to me. I have to be honest with you and unfortunately I see red lights flashing. I am sorry I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to be realistic and think of your future.
A relationship with sexual frustrations is not a good base, and longterm it will not be to your satisfaction. You have to resolve this now.
I am afraid, that no matter how harsh this might sound, or how selfish it might sound for now, you have to have a heart to heart talk to him and give him an ultimatium. He needs to do something about the problem or you need to move on.You need, and deserve somebody that can meet your sexual needs, which is not unrealsitic or abnormal. Any healthy woman wants a normal sex life. Trust me this guy, no matter how wonderful he is, needs to realize that no great woman will put up with a sexless life.
I wish I could give you a instant solution, but unfortunately this is the harsh reality. You need to think about the future, are you prepared to live a sexless life? For how long will you be able to cope with it before you start looking around? Or is it better to cut ties now?
Not your preference I know, but to live in a sexless relationship? Be honest with your self and decide what you want and need. Oh, I know it is difficult because you love him, but do realize love is not enough to make a relationship work.
I still think you should talk to him and give him an ultimatum. I suggest you take it from there. Once he knows that you are serious about this , if he is really "into"you, as he claims and you believe, I trust he will do what ever it may, to keep you!
Good luck. Keep me posted.
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A
female
reader, asiablu +, writes (2 December 2008):
asiablu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI rarely bring up the sex issue, I have left it alone for some time now. In fact I act as if it doesnt even bother me anymore, tho I am sure he knows it does. As far as him seeking counseling or medical attention or medications, remember he says there is no problem so he wouild not see need to seek help.
He has said when asked before, he is tired from work, he has a headache, he has a muscle ache etc...
Honestly in my opinion (see im the type that could have sex if i was dying on my death bed) the ONLY reason I can see for NOT having sex is HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME. And yet in EVER OTHER ASPECT he says he is completly happy with me and he loves and adores me he jumps on top of me every morning before he leaves for work and kisses me and tells me how much he loves me. He is the one who fell head over heals for ME in the begining.
He just INSISTS there IS no problem he says he has no answers because there is no problem. I KNOW in the past he has had MANY girlfriends and from what i have been told he never had sexual problems in the past (I know his ex wife well and we talk openly), he tells me that I am DEFINATLY THE ONE.
This is just SO frustrating and confusing!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): Firstly don't feel bad and don't feel alone. This is happening to so many women it is almost frightening. If you are sure about him not cheating etc, I would suggest he goes for a good medical examintaion. There are silent health factors that could have an influence. If there is no medical problem, or no medication that could affect his libido, it might be psychological. Often depression is a culprit for the loss of sexual interest, but there could be many factors such as work stress or sometimes deep rooted problems.
Counseling could be very helpful to establish the problem if it is psychological but you might have difficulty convincing him to seek counseling.
Don't make him feel pressured into having sex and try and take the focus of sex for sometime. Concentrate on foreplay and avoid sex completely. Might be very difficult and very frustrating but it might allow him to relax and the desires might reignite. There are medication availble to enhance libido. Ask him to discuss it with his doctor when he goes for his medical.
I do feel for you and understand your concern, but do not take it personal. I do hope you can find a way to overcome this problem. Don't consider settling down or marriage if you cannot resolve this, as sexual compatibility is very important in a relationhip and it is often the most important reason for marriages or relationships to breakdown or fail.
I do hope that with lots of love and understanding you will be able to convince him to do what ever is necessary to have this issue resolved and wish the two of you a happy long lasting future.
Good luck. Keep me posted.
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