A
female
age
41-50,
*appy1day
writes:Ok...where to begin. I came in from work asked my partner for a kiss, he said no. When I asked why he said...it's a bit difficult but then said during sex last night he had noticed I felt different, He then said I had taken a long time while I was out yesterday and as I had been unfaithful ( over 15 years ago ) to my previous partner that he was not stupid and although he couldn't prove it people talk and the truth would come out, meaning that I had been unfaithful to him now too. I have never considered or been unfaithful to my current partner. I feel horrified that he felt I was swollen (cringe) during sex... I'm a bit worried now incase I have a medical problem too. I am also shocked of how little he must think of me. I don't go anywhere apart from work and ge has always been in secure but this is awful. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): You have a child to think about and you need to preserve your strength and sanity. It is possible that he is the one who has been unfaithful, and is getting in the first blow.
By accusing you first, he can now say whatever he does was simply in retaliation. Something just doesn't seem right.
Whatever the case, the psychological manipulation is emotional blackmail, and you shouldn't allow yourself to be subjected to that too long. It eats away at the spirit and he knows it. You have my empathy; but deep inside you know what is best. If he has a serious problem that he cannot come to terms with, then he has the option to leave.
If your finances are intertwined, that most certainly would complicate things all the more. So seek legal advice to be sure you are able to keep things stable for the sake of your child. He's the nutcase in this situation, not you.
Good luck my dear. Reach out to us whenever you need us.
A
female
reader, happy1day +, writes (20 July 2013):
happy1day is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDay three since my partner convinced himself I had been unfaithful. Finding this really uncomfortable to deal with. I think and feel like my partner should apologise but it's not happened. He says he 'knows' what he felt (cringe). I am going to the Dr to get checked out but quiet frankly I can't notice/feel any different. I am sleeping apart from my partner. I think going forward if I did sleep with him I would be wondering if he was wondering if I felt different. Weirdly it's blown my confidence massively. I didn't mention this at first but while we were having sex I noticed he wasn't as turned on physically as normal....I put it down to one of those things at the time....but the whole scenario plays over in my mind trying to work out what to do I really appreciate the advice. I know it's his problem, I know I should probably leave....still in embarrassed shock....at the moment. My partner has said he loves me but has,his doubts....about me now and previously. I refuse to feel guilty as I am innocent and have never looked at someone in that way. It's sad as we have a 5 year old child nice home but if he doesn't trust me its thin ice for foundations. Currently he is polite but no cuddles or kisses he has admitted that there maybe another reason for what he felt but I can ses deep down he think he is right about infidelity. He has far more opportunity to be unfaithful and I never question him and I know for sure he has rarely been faithful to his ex partners...but I have accepted it as part of his past.... I wonder how it will end...thanks for listening too embarrassed to share with friends xxx
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A
female
reader, happy1day +, writes (19 July 2013):
happy1day is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDay three since my partner convinced himself I had been unfaithful. Finding this really uncomfortable to deal with. I think and feel like my partner should apologise but it's not happened. He says he 'knows' what he felt (cringe). I am going to the Dr to get checked out but quiet frankly I can't notice/feel any different. I am sleeping apart from my partner. I think going forward if I did sleep with him I would be wondering if he was wondering if I felt different. Weirdly it's blown my confidence massively. I didn't mention this at first but while we were having sex I noticed he wasn't as turned on physically as normal....I put it down to one of those things at the time....but the whole scenario plays over in my mind trying to work out what to do I really appreciate the advice. I know it's his problem, I know I should probably leave....still in embarrassed shock....at the moment. My partner has said he loves me but has,his doubts....about me now and previously. I refuse to feel guilty as I am innocent and have never looked at someone in that way. It's sad as we have a 5 year old child nice home but if he doesn't trust me its thin ice for foundations. Currently he is polite but no cuddles or kisses he has admitted that there maybe another reason for what he felt but I can ses deep down he think he is right about infidelity. He has far more opportunity to be unfaithful and I never question him and I know for sure he has rarely been faithful to his ex partners...but I have accepted it as part of his past.... I wonder how it will end...thanks for listening too embarrassed to share with friends xxx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 Seriously, this insecurity is his issue.
His accusations will hurt him in the long run
personally I would say to him "it's not true and of course your reasoning is irrational, but if you truly believe I cheated I need you to leave since I do not wish to be with someone who does not trust me." do this while holding his suitcase... then hand it to him and say "do you need me to help you pack?"
he will either say yes in which case you can help him pack or say " naw since you don't trust me, I might mess that up too do it yourself" and turn and walk away. END of conversation.
or he will start with the "oh no I don't want to leave yada yada yada... I was wrong your' not cheating etc" which is when you say "correct I am not cheating but if you EVER accuse me of it again you WILL be leaving that night"
and MEAN IT.
you do not have to live with his accusations based on his own insecurity.
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A
female
reader, happy1day +, writes (18 July 2013):
happy1day is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys it's good to have someone elses take on things, thank you.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 July 2013):
 Hi, big mistake confessing to being unfaithful in a previous relationship. He needs to get over it or it will ruin this relationship. Have a talk with him and ask him if he wants out, because why else would he accuse you of being unfaithful. Also if someone is spreading lies about you, tell him the person should come and say it to your face and not stir trouble. You continuously defending yourself is not going to help in this case, you will just have to take this head on.
Goodluck and hope he is worth it as he is insulting you and showing that he cant trust you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): He is be paranoid and unreasonable. You can check with your gynecologist in case there is any irritation; possibly caused by using tampons. Did you just begin or end your menstrual period perhaps?
You are between 30-35, there will be some changes in your body.
He may only be fishing to see how you would react to the accusation. The thought of your past indiscretion, just so happened to hit him one day; sitting around with nothing to do, but fiddle around with his male ego.
You can only reassure someone so much. If you know you're totally innocent and he's just being paranoid and insecure; don't press the issue. Tell him you've been no one else and leave it at that. You have no reason to plead your innocence.
Just lay it out on the line. If he can't trust you, you can't stay in a relationship. There is no relationship without mutual trust. You shouldn't be punished for the past; nor for what you haven't done in the present. It's just plain stupid.
Insecurity kills relationships. I have repeated this so many times it rings in my own ears.
Don't stay in a relationship where you have to live on your knees; and spend a lot of time stroking his ego to live in peace.
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