A
female
age
41-50,
*ena1976
writes:I have posted messages on this subject before but things developed. My civil partner has a long friendship with a girl she met in Sweden 6 years ago (We have been together 6 years also, something was developing before we met but never transpired as she moved to the UK). Recently it developed into at least an emotional affair. They started exchanging texts, msns, emails every day for the past 6 months.. the other girl was asking if she would leave me etc. My partner has been quite honest recently. She told me she fell for her. The worst thing she did was travel to Sweden to meet her and lied to me. She spent a couple of night in the hotel, had meals together then went back to her room and drank wine. She told me that there were some awkward moments and she did have thoughts of a sexual nature but nothing happened.The other girl has cut contact now and I told her that she must not communicate with her again. The probelm I am having is that my partner keeps bursting into tears over her loss and its really screwing with my head! She tells me she wants us to work and that we can and how much she loves me but I am just so shattered and confused. I piece things together in my head about what they did and said. How do I get over this? Is it worth it if she keeps mourning the other girl? I have yelled and tried supporting her, and everyone keeps telling her how wrong she has been, and I feel like I am adding to her misery. She tells me how sorry and ashamed she is but I am having issues with her mourning. What do I do???
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 You being there for her during her mourning process is unfair to you. You are her partner, not her therapist, and as long as you continue to act like her therapist, she will continue to lose attraction to you, and cheat on you again.
Just becuase you agreed to work things out, does NOT mean that you have to comfort her during the loss of her other woman.
The next time she cries, LET HER CRY, and walk out of the room. She needs to deal with her mourning of this on her own, and not let it drop in your lap.
If your relationship was an open one, then it would be a different story, but I get the impression from your email that it is monogamous, and thus the more it continues like this, the more you will be damaged emotionally in the long run.
-Frank B Kermit
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (25 June 2007):
 The same as with any relationship, if she truly loved you like she said she does, she wouldnt have strayed away. if she is that upset about "the other woman" I would take that as a direct hit at me and an insult... i would leave personally. You obviously cant mean as much to her as she does to you or the fact that you have been so supportive and caring about this should speak louder volumes to her than the fact the "other woman" is gone!
Would she be acting this way if it were you that left ? If she was left with the other woman ?
This is showing that she cared more about the other woman than she does you. She made her bed, let her lie in it, Why should you settle for second best, as with all this mourning of the other woman it would seem clear that shes not happy to settle to just being with you.
Do yourself a favour and move on, it cant be doing you any good sitting watching her crying over someone that shouldnt matter to her, but clearly does.
Take care x
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