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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have been together with my boyfriend for 13 years, we have a child together and we have our own home together. However for the past 2 years I’ve noticed my boyfriend’s drinking is getting out of hand, at first his drinking was only moderate, but now he’s drinking almost everyday but he lies about it and says he has not been drinking even though I can smell it on him as soon as he gets home, his speech is really slurred and he sometimes can barely stand. Last month I had to tell him to move out because I can’t keep going on like this with his drinking being so bad and it’s not fair on our son as our son has noticed that his dad has a drink problem and it’s starting to really affect him. After moving out for a few days he begged to move back in and he promised he would stop drinking and promised he would get some professional help for his drinking, however he never did anything he promised and a week later he started drinking again and lying about it, since then I’ve had to kick him out a few times and he promises he will change but he never does. Only now things seem to be getting real bad to the point where he is drinking at work and driving home after drinking so much, i am so angry that he is putting himself and others in danger by drink driving but he won’t stop. I’ve even had to buy a breathalyser because he is lying so much saying he is not drinking and driving yet when he uses the breathalyser it comes back positive to a dangerous level but he says the breathalyser is wrong and says that I must be doing something to the breathalyser. I am now at a loss on what to do next, every time I tell him to move out he always works his way back in and makes me feel bad that I have thrown him out. It’s got to the point now where it’s draining me and I really do not feel happy, he’s making me lose love for him as I’m starting to feel like I do not love him anymore. I know what I need to do deep down but I just want advice from others as I feel like I’m the bad one for throwing him out constantly and I just don’t know what to do now as I’ve completely lost all trust I had for him.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 March 2023):
 You should only allow him back AFTER he's changed.
You can agree to let him back when he's been sober for 6 months, for example. You pick the time frame that works for you.
No arguing, no re-hashing the past, citing examples, explaining. The longer the conversation goes on, the more change he has to wear you down.
Be upbeat and confident, but firm. Keep it simple and keep it brief.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2023): Those who are heavily addicted and/or alcoholic lose all sense of control over their habits, and don't mind lying or doing whatever it takes to satisfy their habits. Their loved-ones become victims. Their selfish and reckless behavior endangers everyone around them.
He is no longer the man you grew to love; he is somebody else now. His addiction to alcohol comes first, and he won't hesitate to lie to you to protect it. His bad-behavior sets a poor example for your son. He loses all control over his inhibitions and sense of judgement; and you cannot trust him alone with his own child.
Keeping him is not only because you feel sorry for him; but you may fear being alone. Of course you care what happens to him, but you have to protect your child and yourself; because he has now passed the point of no return. He keeps breaking promises to get help and lies to your face when he knows you can smell it on his breath. Don't wait until something horrible happens. It is time to put him out, and don't take him back. Addicts and alcoholics don't give-up their addiction until they've lost all that they treasure and hold dear to them. They must hit rock-bottom. From the bottom, the only way is up.
His alcoholism will become your burden. You will develop stress and suffer depression. You child will witness his drunkenness, hear your arguments, and watch your physical and mental decline. His drunkenness will affect the child's emotional and psychological development. When the boy becomes a young-man with a drunk for a father, he will resent the both of you. It's not your fault, but he will not understand why he was forced to contend with the family dysfunction resulting from alcoholism? He will see his father at his very worst. You will have to pay fines or bail him out of jail with money you don't have. You will have to financially support your family.
Let him go. If you take him back, it will have to be once he has been sober for a few years. He needs a ultimatum and a reason to be sober. If he wants to see his child; it will only be when he is sober and fully rehabilitated.
This is my advice. Now the rest is up to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2023): I wouldn't say that he's choosing drink over you. He's completely powerless before his addiction. He'll either get help or he won't. It has nothing to do with you.
I've seen addicts get help completely on their own, I've ssen them do it with the help of family. BUT, they all have one thing incommon - they ASKED for help. The change came from the inside not from the outside.
You are enabling him. As long as you act the way you've been acting, he has no reason to feel the need to do something about it.
Protect yourself and protect your son.
The man I loved was hooked on marijuana. I know that most people think, especially nowadays when it is legal, that it's just for fun. But for him it was an ESCAPE from reality - that he had to roll up his sleaves and start acting like an adult. Take responsability for himself AND his children. By the time we met he had two sons with two different women. I gave him a chance, but he just couldn't act like a responsible adult. Btw, he is 8 years odler than me and at the time he was 35.
When I left him, he found an older woman "who accepted him for what he was". Actually, she started supporting him financially and otherwise (helped him get a job he thought he deserved), the only thing he had to do was accept to have a kid with her (something he said he would never do - have more kids). He had already LEFT his two older sons! The moment she had a son, she asked him to clean up his act. Did he do it? No. He continued smokin behind her back, hiding money from her to buy weed... you see what I'm talking about. He just doesn't think he should change, because it hurts.
I ran into him about a year ago in the street. He was glad to see me and I was saddened by what I saw. He stayed right where I left him some 20 years ago, almost. The situation got worse. His older kids don't talk to him at all. His youngest son has problems with "real drugs" - his words because he doesn't accept that the wa he used marijuana is addiction. He can't stand his wife. He said that I was "the love of his life" and that he should have done everything he could to keep me. I didn't want to prolong the conversation and I left without giving him my number, he had asked for.
Don't be the woman/wife from this story. Don't enable him. It's bad for him and horrible for you and your kid.
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A
male
reader, mrblack616 +, writes (11 March 2023):
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time with your boyfriend's drinking problem. It sounds like you've tried everything you can to help him and things are continuing to spiral out of control. You are not the bad one in this situation, and it's important to remember that you have done what you felt is best for yourself and your son's safety.
It can be very challenging to confront a loved one's addiction, and it's not uncommon for those who are struggling with addiction to deny or minimize the problem. It's understandable that you may feel helpless, frustrated, and exhausted in trying to support your partner while also looking out for the safety and well-being of yourself and your child.
You may find it helpful to seek out professional support and advice from a therapist or counselor who specializes in addiction and family therapy. They can provide you with guidance and support, as well as help you develop an action plan for your and your child's safety.
Ultimately, addiction is a complex issue that requires a multifaceted approach to address. While it's important to support your partner in their journey to recovery, it's not your responsibility to fix or cure their addiction. It's important to set boundaries and not enable their behavior, as difficult as that may be.
Remember that you and your child's safety and well-being should be your top priority. Take care of yourself and seek out support and resources that can help you navigate this difficult situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2023): He is a danger to your son. Tell him he has one week to go to the doctor or see a therapist and if he isn't on a treatment programme by then, you will kick him out once and for all. And mean it. Stick to your word. Only HE can change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2023):
 OP, he "LOVES" the drinking more than he loves you and your son. He is "CHOOSING" the drinking over you both.
THAT is what addicts do.
An addict will promise whatever they think you want to hear.
"I'll get help"
"I'll stop"
" I haven't been drinking"
" The breathalyzer is wrong"
"Every time I tell him to move out he always works his way back in and makes me feel bad that I have thrown him out."
YOU need to grow a backbone, OP
DO not keep in contact with him after you throw him out. Do not let him worm his way back in.
GO see a solicitor about what you LEGALLY need to do to CUT all ties with him.
Does his family know about his drinking?
Where does he go when you throw him out? If he goes to stay with drinking buddies, then obviously he isn't looking to fix anything.
YOU CAN NOT FIX THIS for him. OK?!
Accept that.
Letting him come back and continue to LIE to you is detrimental to YOU, your son, AND him!
My dad was an alcoholic. Both my brother and I had SOME control issues with alcohol when we are in our early 20's - NEITHER of us drinks today. We are in our 50's now.
YOU need to prioritize your son - AND yourself here. Not him.
Get your ducks in a row. If you have to sell the house or buy him out - then DO so. BUT get over the thought that you CAN help him. You can't - because he doesn't WANT help.
I don't know what kind of relationship he has with his family and what kind YOU have with them, but if it's good - tell them what's going on and why you are ENDING this.
YOU have to put your son and yourself first now. YOU have TRIED to help him.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 March 2023):
 My ex husband was an alcoholic. He wasn't that way when I married him but after his father died, he went into a deep depression and never snapped out of it. He refused help although it was right at his fingertips. My so and I tried for years to help him but he loved to drink plain and simple. He was the mean type when drunk. Never physically abusive but emotionally abusive. I begged him to get help. He still held down his job but liquor was his life, basically it became what he lived for. He wound up in a nursing home told he had 2 weeks to live because of liver damaged. He survived somehow after a year in a nursing home and went right back to drinking. He died of a stroke at 69, not alcohol but believe me, he was never the same. He never got help and would have drunk till the day he died if he could have lifted a beer can or glass of vodka to his lips.
Long story short...you can't help an alcoholic unless they want help. They have to hit the bottom sometimes before they will get help! Some will NEVER hit bottom. Even being told he was dying he still wanted to drink.
I wish you luck and strength because if you stay with him, you will need it. Turn to family, friends, and if you are spiritual pray for him, for yourself, your family. Being around or involved with an alcoholic is a very very sad exhausting life. Take it from someone who walked the path.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2023): Don't throw him out "constantly " .Throw him out once for all. He is an addict, he is a liar, he is a bad role model for your son and hecis potentially dangerous to himself and others. You really don't need someone like him in your life, and while getting rid of him surely could be a heartbreak if you were still in love with him and if you still trusted him and respected him - that's not the case anymore so you've got nothing to lose but a lot of potential troubles.
It's only up to you. He "works his way back " ? Oh come on. You just mean that you are being weak and you let yourself be manipulated even if you know that his are empty words and he just says what youvwanr to hear.
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