A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am dating an older man who I have been with for over two years. He is divorced with a 6 year old. She has met me and known me for a little over a year and I would appreciate any tips on how to start integrating our lives. His ex wife is moving further away and due to custody arrangements, she will be with him during the school year. We are trying to integrate me into the family. We are very serious about our relationship and staying together. I was wondering if there are any suggestions on how to go forward with staying overnight with the child there and anything else useful about a relationship with kids involved.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, older man Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis ex wife isn't civil. We will have her most of the year and it is huge change for me, going from kid-less to having a kid. I am not expecting to be called mom. We put a stop to that train the first time she tried it. Both of us are clear on who is her parent.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2015):
 You have TWO great resources in him and the ex-wife (if they are civil) and there REALLY are a ton of "self-help" books out there too, I wouldn't be surprised if you can find a step-parent forum and talk to other "steps" as well.
I would just advice that you don't have expectation of being called mom. Maybe let HER (the child) pick out a nick name DOWN the line, for now, your first name should be fine.
My step son called me Miss "first-name" for years. Then just my first name, then... my nickname. (we lived in the south so the Miss was a sign of respect/being polite.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie
Thank you for your advice. I am definitely not looking to have a baby myself. The books are a great resource. My partner and I are on board and have talked over rules and boundaries. I come from a divorced family so I am very aware of what divorce can do to kids. It's hard doing this and feeling like there are no resources out there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2015):
There are a BUNCH of step parent books out there that I would read if I were in your shoes.
The Courage To Be A Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele might be a good start.
TALK to your partner about rules, about punishment, boundaries for the child. I would for the time being LET him be the authority figure when it comes to limits. Follow his lead (unless you find him utterly unreasonable, then you TALK to him in private and find a compromise).
Also the Mom needs to be included in these rules.
Maybe she prefers positive reinforcement over punishments - so again, having a talk with her might be helpful too.
YOU need to stick to those rules as well and not let the child SUCKER you into getting away with stuff, because TRUST me... kids will try that.
If you have known the man and the child for a year, she KNOWS you are daddy's GF, so staying over is not something weird or new.
The Anon male said you can make a baby of your own.. which is utterly nonsensical. The LAST thing you need right now, is adding a pregnancy and baby.
I'd say for now spend time IN and OUT of the house with her (and your partner) - then come over to his house, make dinner with them, she get tucked in and you stay the night. Kids are not stupid. They get it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are serious about each other. We have been together two tears and are committed to being a couple. I am not trying to be steered away from this relationship. I am looking for ways to make this work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): As you are so young i wouldnt bother to try to integrate yourself into the family because you dont need to..you can make a baby of your own. If you are still with your partner then his child may finally take time to acknowledge you but dont get to into the idea of an inherited family because you are really putting the cart before the horse and that often results in tears and tumbles.
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