A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’m just looking for some advice about my partner who doesn’t know how to be part of a family we have a 4 year old daughter and I am seriously thinking about ending the relationship soon he’s always been the same but I thought in time it would improve but it hasn’t he’s had 2 weeks off work for Christmas he has another job which is a cash in hand he has worked every day apart from Christmas Day and new year eve our daughter asks him to come somewhere with us he won’t go even if it’s to the park he won’t spend any time with my family at all I went round to see family on Christmas night and he refused to go he sleeps in the spare room more often than not he won’t even play any board games with us he just sits on the settee looking miserable on New Year’s Eve his mam and dad threw a party we went all of his family where there’re and his daughter were having such a good time he stayed in the front room on his own he came in the kitchen at 11.15 to say he was going home rather than stay till 12 to see in the new year with me and his daughter and his family so I had a go at him about it told him to do what he wants cos he normally does anyway he ended up staying till 1 then snuck off he without telling me any suggestions on what I can try to try get him to spend time with us cos I can’t take much more and I am seriously going to end up ending the relationship I can’t live like this anymore thank you
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (4 January 2020):
 This is sad especially for a little girl not to get to experience actually having her father THERE, like really there. I grew up in a similar situation and to this day, I have no idea who my father really is, as a person, all because of how he chose to work and how he chose to spend his time. My mother became the type of woman whom wiseowle described; a slave to her own emotions and the type that will do anything to keep him. I agree with wiseowle... This guy seems like he feels as though he is Trapped. Trapped with you guys and trapped in this routine that he's in. Caught in a situation where he'd rather be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else and possibly surrounded by someone else. This is toxic and it will most likely get worse.
Since you've put up with this for a while, you're already tired of it. Whatever emotional issues he has as a result and/or mental illness such as depression (this is possible), is most likely a result of him feeling trapped. The monotony of his life is probably getting him down. He doesn't feel like a man with a family and a relationship. Perhaps he doesn't want to be in this situation whereby he has this family and this relationship. Maybe he felt forced into his current role. That's not to say that he IS forced, but clearly, he doesn't want his life as it currently is. Perhaps it's just the monotony that's bothering him.
I agree with the other aunts that say you guys should have a conversation, and if a mediator is needed; to get a professional involved. It may help you discover where he's at emotionally and mentally. He may just be in his own head and it translates to the outside world as shirking when it just may not be. We won't know exactly what is going on so we're theorising but these are all possibilities. The only way you will truly know what's going on is to address it with a conversation and if he agrees, with a therapist appointment.
Good luck OP.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): You seem to be describing a man who feels trapped.
He has a moral-responsibility to financially-support and be there for his daughter; but your evidence seems to support your conclusion. I think he would be happy to be let-go and set-free.
If he didn't plan to have a child with you, or you wanted a child; and convinced him to have one with you. Perhaps you thought kids would keep him grounded, and stabilize your relationship. A very misguided and popular notion these days.
This only forces him to become a workaholic. To have a feasible and convenient excuse never to be home to face you, or be around his kid. He gets to be called a "good-provider!" Rather than being pegged as a neglectful-father; and exposed for being cold and detached from your relationship. He pays the bills and works his fingers to the bone; so you would come-off as ungrateful and demanding. Always complaining; while he breaks his back for the two of you. In your case, the guy is all but carrying a sign above his head reading: "I WANT OUT OF THIS!!!"
Kids don't turn a boyfriend into a husband, or a good-father. Often, the objective is to use a child as an anchor, or tether. to keep a man tied to the mother. I'm not accusing you of doing this; but sometimes it's not a deliberate or conscious-act. It is an act of desperation! When a guy falls out of love, proves to be commitment-phobic, or cheats as a hobby; but she loves him, and she can't let him go. The heart has a mind of its own! Only it tends to be foolish and reckless. So, we were given a brain to correct its mistakes.
He may not want you, but he is bound by legal-responsibility to provide child-support. It's cheaper living in one household, and better to have daily-access to their children; so sometimes men are forced to live with women they don't want. For the sake of their children. Sometimes, they are pressured by their parents and tradition to do the right thing. If you make a baby, you must care for your family!
In the worst case scenario, there are heartless-men who'll let poor desperate-women cook, clean, housekeep, rear their kids, and even take care of them; while they cheat behind their backs! She's a slave to her heart! She'll put-up with anything to keep him! That is one of the most self-destructive acts a women could ever do to herself! It is so very sad, that it breaks my heart!
Women always come to their senses, and he gets catapulted out of her life...and he still has to pay his child-support!!! It may not be a lot, but it's still his moral and legal-obligation! He would have to prove her an unfit-mother and himself an exemplary-father to turn that around! It rarely ever happens, except in cases of drug-addiction, alcoholism, mental-unfitness, and abuse by the mother. Unless she voluntarily relinquishes her maternal-rights, and grants full-custody to the father. That's very rare! It only happens in an alternate-universe somewhere! Mostly in the movies!
If he won't propose, he doesn't want to be married. Maybe someday, but perhaps you aren't the one. I presume he is not your husband; because the generic-term "partner" is often meant to avert moral-judgement or criticism from responders to posts. If he is your husband, it seems he has decided he will force you to let him go; by being so detached and distant, you'll be forced to give-up. He wants you to be the one to let him go...that way he doesn't look like he abandoned his family. He has...both physically and emotionally!
Try family-counseling first. You need to open a line of communication with mediation. It brings more closure, and eliminates second-guessing; when you are absolutely sure you have tried everything to keep your family together. If he won't go with you for counseling; then you know there's no other choice. You may have to leave him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2020):
 I think you NEED to talk to him, give it one last go.
He might be depressed or stressed but not handling it well or trying to handle it on his own.
Not that it's an excuse, more of a possible explanation.
But I would sit him down and tell him you aren't happy with things as they are and you can tell neither is he. So what needs to change? ON both ends. Is it possible? Are you both willing to do whatever it takes or not?
THAT is a tough talk to have, but it's better than walking away and not being a 100% sure it was the right thing. At least if you COMMUNICATE can figure out where you are at and IF there is a chance to move forward together. If there is willingness.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 January 2020):
 What do you get out of this relationship? What kind of father have you given your daughter? You need to answer these questions, OP. Then make up your mind and stick to it. If you do become single again, be single for at least six months and don’t let any man meet your daughter until you’ve been with him officially for another 6 to 9 months minimum. Good luck.
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