A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am bear the end of child bearing age. I was never married before. For a long time I attracted the wrong type of men and I worked hard on changing that. I’ve worked hard on myself even went back to school and really remade my life. Now when I’m dating I make better choices BUTIt’s hard to ask the questions and not feel pushy. I need to know if the men I’m dating want to have kids or not. I don’t have 4/5 years I have maybe 2? And I don’t want to have to have these conversations either. I would much rather take my time enjoying the person getting to do that. But on the same token I can’t waste more time. How do I handle this with the man I’m dating now? I’ve been seeing someone for the last two months and recently brought it up to him. He wasn’t concerned that we should stop seeing each other but he isn’t sure how he feels about all of that. He also has much more time then me.... I just need some good objective advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): Is there any chance of using ivf to freeze some eggs . That way you won’t be under such pressure to feel you need to conceive within such a short time frame .
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 January 2020):
 I’d like to add that an anonymous sperm donor (sperm bank) is better than a dodgy father. If you don’t find the right guy before having a child, have a child, then find the right guy when your child is a bit older. It may be easier to find step-father material post-child than good-father material pre-child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020): It all depends. It voluntarily comes-up in general-conversation after several promising-dates. Most guys have been married at least once, and already have kids by their 40's! Divorcees with kids, are slow about being dads again. Some will say they want kids, but it might not be with you! Unless you are certain a serious relationship is developing, the kid-discussion may be irrelevant.
Warning: Cut-to-the-chase conversations aren't very romantic! An abrupt approach towards the subject is unnerving...even if he wants kids! "My clock is ticking; so if you don't want kids, don't wast my time!" You know, like that!
Why do I sense desperation in your post!
Let me cool your jets with some home-spun advice!
You don't want to create the perception you aren't seeking a man to love and marry; you're urgently searching for a sperm-donor! Sometimes things don't happen when we want them to for a reason. Motherhood and marriage have been delayed in your life; because it isn't your time!
I'm fully aware that some women will marry the first guy to ask them; just to get babies, or for financial-security. I pity kids with mothers like that. Women who set them up for a dysfunctional family-life; with the built-in prospect of an inevitable divorce from their fathers. With the intent to take them away and keep them all to themselves. Cutting their fathers out of the equation, except for a support-check! So, men are cautious about that chat straightaway! They want to know if you're mom-material; and not just wanting to get pregnant!
These days, kids aren't really seen as blessings. They're commodities, mishaps, pawns, and used as weapons. Never-mind the hope of being born to two people who are faithful and love each other! A couple who want to have a real family, by defying all odds and giving them a happy home. No family is perfect, but having love in it helps to get you through a lot of life's challenges. It's not all about expediency, and achieving your end by any means. As long as YOU get what YOU want! That's why elderly-parents end-up in nursing-homes with no visitors. That's payback for giving them a messy family-life! You want kids, but with the right-man!
You can't make love happen on-demand, or by a deadline. Things happen in their due-time. Impatience leads to haste and bad-decisions. You get to know each other, and then talk about what comes with marriage! Otherwise, go to a sperm-bank, dole out big cash; and buy some sperm! Be a single-mom, nothing is wrong with that! Since life isn't really that kid-friendly anymore. People have lost the knack of maintaining loving and lasting relationships, before inserting kids! It's not just about beating your biological-clock!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020): If your age bracket reads correctly, it is unlikely you are still able to have kids, in my understanding. You can look up the statistics to confirm I am correct. There is a slim chance if you are 41 but it would have to be within the next year. At 42 there is barely any chance, if I remember correctly from my last googling. And plenty have trouble even in late 30s. Sure there are outliers who have them into their 40s but they are VERY rare, and often secretly using egg donors.
I think you should do some research on adoption, including domestic & international options. Although many have doubts that they can love non-biological kids, you will be amazed how most of us - our heart's will grow for a small motherless/fatherless child, and it is just an amazing experience for many, many families.
Either way (biology or adoption) it sounds like you really want kids, so I think you do have to ask men their feelings about it pretty early on. But you are in a tricky situation because obviously it could scare a lot of men off to bring it up so early on in a relationship.
IF having a BIOLOGICAL kid IS your priority, you have no choice but to bring it up on about the third date. You are going to need a whirlwind romance if that's what you are after.
But again I would consider just taking the pressure off, researching adoption, and focusing on getting in the RIGHT relationship. You still want to bring up building a family early on (maybe at 2 months seeing each other) , but it will be a less pressured situation and come up in a more casual way as something to explore down the road.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020): I think it’s actually ok to ask certain questions up front without coming off as pushy (and without coming off like you’re interrogating or intrerviewing someone). In fact, if you were online dating, and depending on the dating site, these things are integrated into your profile (and the guys’ profiles) with such things as, what type of relationship you’re looking for (casual, long term, marriage), whether you want kids, whatever you have pets, whether you smoke, drink, or do drugs. I think it’s normal to want to make sure you’re on the same page with someone without wasting time.
You have to watch out HOW you ask though. The main point is that you don’t want to look like you’re getting ahead of yourself and imagining you are already with the person you’re dating. Since having children is your main concern, I’d just ask on your first date some variation of: what type of relationship they are looking for; whether the person is interested in having children and starting a family; where they see themselves in five years, etc.
I know you don’t want to have such a conversation either, but think of it as a necessity to weed out men based on your non-negotiables.
No need to mention that you’re in a hurry or that you’re at the end of your child-bearing days, but if they ask about your timeline of course you can discuss... just play by ear.
Then let the relationship take its natural course without rushing into anything.
I’ll end with this one caveat: how you go about things does matter on what you prioritize. Is it that you just want children and don’t care about who your partner is? Or is it that you want to meet the right person and try to have children then? I say this because you have to be prepared that you may not have children and you’ll be stuck with the guy if you rush into marriage just to have kids.
Regarding the guy you’re currently dating, if having children is a must have, and he says no or can’t give you a definite answer, then don’t waste time with him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 January 2020):
You just need to be firm with yourself. If a man runs because you bring up children, then he’s not the right one. This should be something you discussed within the first two or three dates (maximum!), not two or three months. You have no more time for men who aren’t sure, so it’s time to find a man who wants kids in two years, with the right woman. Ask by the end of the second date; it’s just part of getting to know someone and making sure that you’re not wasting your time with him or him with you. It’s normal to ask about life goals and children or no children as one of them. Be brave.
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