A
male
age
51-59,
*eart22
writes:My partner and I were together for 3 years. We were engaged and living together for about 2 1/2 years.About 3 months ago we broke up. One of the major reasons we broke up is because I didn't feel she was giving enough to the relationship. Her family were a huge issue as she is very close to them, where as I was an abandoned child and have no close connections with my family.I consider myself very sensitive and insecure, and have abandonment issues.We are trying to get back together, but I can sense the same problems arising, that she just isn't 'there' for me enough. I need to know that I am important to her, even if it is phoning me or whater, preferably inviting me over to her house (where I used to live too)She says she loves me and wants to have a relationship with me. But I feel so second rate as though I am just something for her, when she doesn't have something better to do with her family or friends.I am very confused, when we are together she is very affectionate and seems to genuinely care about me. But she seems to have a *much* higher tolerance for time apart than I do.Suggestions?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 This mountain is too high for you to climb.
If you are not prepared to ascend further,
it would be better to descend and forget about her.
A
male
reader, Heart22 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Heart22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdding more... I manage my time very thoroughly, I know when I have uni assignments due, work dead lines and other commitments, yet I ALWAYS make time for my partner, and I would shuffle appointments to fit in with her.If she wanted to chat at 3:00am I'd be up for it. I believed it was my role to be there for her, when she needed me, and within the realms of what was realistic, I would reschedule things so that she had her needs met.Yet I don't feel this is reciprocated. It comes across to me as, "Well, I might have a free night two weeks from now, if nothing comes up with the family"How the hell can I call that being in a commited relationsihp with someone?
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A
male
reader, Heart22 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Heart22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
quoted from Annalisa
You've found someone who is lucky enough to have a close family and marrying her will make you part of it.
Her family is like a cult group. There is only my partner's mother (who hates me now), my partners sister, husband and children (who also hate me too now) (Since we broke up) They are all passive men-haters due to their deceased father's violence. (I am not violent, just male)
It is a completely one-way-street.
I told her that I see no role in her life with her 24x7 devotion to her family. I mean literally she is over there every night of the week, and weekends (which is largely why we broke up)
We've just spoken on the phone and it wasn't pleasant, she thinks I am trying to make her choose between her family and me.
I see no part for me in her life. After probing, she tentatively made a date in a few days from now, saying that we sore each other on the weekend.
I can not stand the feeling of being a toy which keeps getting put on the shelf.
Laura1318
You come from different family backgrounds and culture.
You need to look at it from her perspective and try to understand her.
In love, you do not demand or expect your partner to satisfy all your needs.
Love without expecting anything in returns.
To me giving with out expecting anything in return, just feels like being used, which I have experienced way to much of.
When we were together I would walk over hot-coals for her, anything she wanted I would arrange, and there was little reciprocation. Now, I feel even worse - like furniture.
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A
male
reader, Heart22 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Heart22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has clearly stated to me in our previous conversation, that it is 24x7 with her family. I mean every night, every weekend she is at there house.
When I asked her when I could see her next there was no reply. After awhile I interjected and said 'call me'
As yet, she has not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Get a hobby. Something to focus on. If you get too clingy your insecurity is sure to ruin the relationship. She's told you she loves you, settle into the role of security instead of demanding more attention.
SO Focus externally to the realtionship rather than internalising everything. In other words ENJOY instead of creating a problem that isn't there
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (17 March 2008):
You come from different family backgrounds and culture.
You need to look at it from her perspective and try to understand her.
In love, you do not demand or expect your partner to satisfy all your needs.
Love without expecting anything in returns.
She loves you in her own way and you should accept her as she.
This is the only way she knows.
Maybe in time , she may learn your love language.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hi, I don't know if this helps but i am going through a very similar thing, but from the other side. My other half thinks i don't spend enough time with him and has huge abandonment issues (he does talk to his family at all)and feels everyone always lets him down. I would say that it is this fear of rejection that becomes self fullfilling as he rejects all the positive times we do spend together and just focusses on when we don't. I would suggest that your partner does really care about you but if you make her feel guilty about having a happy family life too then that will only push her further away because you are asking her to choose - and that is unreasonable really. Cherish the fact that you have found someone who has this wonderful balance in their life and allow her time for herself - and then you may find she really really appreciates the time you have together too. good luck
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