A
female
age
41-50,
*efeated and Desperate
writes:My partner and I are so deeply in Love. We fell in love and we left our spouses without having an affair and were honest with them. My marraige had been over for 4ish years although his only 1 year. This was in March (8 months ago)He has so much guilt over leaving his children. His wife continually makes him feel bad. His eldest daughter 11 wont stay with him and blames him for the breakup of the family even though she has admitted that she realised he was miserable before he left and is now happy. His father is heart broken and keeps sending messages saying how disappointed he is and how terrible a son he is and wont have anything to do with him. His uncle and family memebers message him to tell him of their disappointment and that he has abandoned his children. His guilt is killing him... and us.To put this in perspective, he financially supports his wife and children. he sees the children in their home Monday, Wednesday and Fridays after school where he eats with them and put them to bed. He was taking them to stay at his on the Friday night but they have refused now because they have realised that "she" (meaning I ) stay there. He then collects them Saturdays at around 9am and brings them back to their house and puts them to bed leaving around 10pm. He speaks to them via video every morning as well as every evening he doesnt see them. It is not as if he doesnt pull his weight. When he is with them he is a loving father who dotes on them, which he never used to. Please how can I help him I can see him dying which is killing our relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2021): I strongly agree with Honeypie. There's too much family-drama; and he's getting it from all sides. His children are still having problems adjusting; and that's where his mind should be focused. If he still feels guilt, he's not ready to be dating.
It matters how the children feel at their ages. It is very traumatic for them to see the family breakup; and he's seeing another lady, while they watch their mother suffer. They need more time. You've had four years to distance yourself from post-divorce dramatics. You don't mention children in your situation. He has kids, and a year means nothing to an 11 year-old whose daddy is seeing another lady after dumping her mother.
I'd back out of this one, if I were in your shoes. You won't have a choice; because he's getting hit so hard, he'll do it anyway. He's too distracted, and his kids have a right to protest. They're just not ready. Don't blame it on their mother, she has her own issues; they're smart enough to know what's-up. Especially the 11 year-old. If she knows he's the reason the marriage ended; don't expect her to just sit back and take it! This could go-on for years.
In this situation, her feelings are more important than how you feel about it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 October 2021):
 Step away.
If you two are "meant to be" you both need to process the separation and divorces and get into a routine of your own.
You two BOTH went from one person to another with no break, no time to think about what you want, what didn't work, what you need to improve on (for yourself), and how to HAVE a healthy relationship.
You say you both left your spouses without having an affair, well even if you didn't sleep together you two had an EMOTIONAL affair. No, if, end, or buts. Own it.
He needs to have a good routine with his kids. THEY (the kids) need to get used to this "new Dad" thing and you should be NOWHERE near the kids. That is WAYYYY too soon.
If you don't give him space (and yourself) this will go nowhere. You will figure out that YOU were just the excuse he used to leave his family.
Reality is VERY different from fantasy. And that is what you two are learning now. He is learning that there are consequences for leaving your family. That OTHER people are disappointed in him and his choices. He HURT his family. Doesn't matter that he was unhappy or that you two LOVE each other - the kids lost their dad in their daily lives. Their whole lives will change.
He might also have figured out that the grass isn't greener. Or that he rather be miserable but see his kids every day.
You can't FIX how he feels. HE has to figure this out himself.
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