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female
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anonymous
writes: I need help.I am 20 years old and so is my boyfriend, I'll call him Superman. We started going out on 20th March 2004.I have been with my boyfriend for exactly 2 years and 6 months on 20th September. I love him so much and I would do anything for him. My parents don't know that I have a boyfriend, because if they did know they would flip. They don't want me to have a boyfriend basically, regardless of his age, race or religion.Superman had met my parents on several occasions as I made a point of introducing them several times, so they knew who Superman was. Throughout the entire relationship, I have often talked about Superman to my parents and at some point although I don’t know when, they clicked on that I liked him and thought that he liked me too. I had met Superman’s parents several times and spoken to them both briefly. Throughout our relationship, Superman has often taken his friends back to his house, but never me. When I have questioned this in the later stages of our relationship, he told me that he likes to keep me separate from his home life. I think this is because he feels that his mum is quite overbearing and intrusive???? It’s not that I want to meet his parents properly, because I’m happy putting it off but I want him to want me to meet them; I want him to want his family to meet me.Superman and I met through work whilst I was with somebody else (Bob). But Superman and I became friends and nothing more. My boyfriend at that time cheated on me and consequently we broke up. Soon after this, Superman and I got together. At the time, Superman was going through court and we had a lot of pressure put on us as a new couple, we were sort of thrown in at the deep end. He made it through court and things were fine. In September 2004, we began studying at the same college and so we saw each other frequently as well as working together at the weekends and we spoke every night. We rarely saw each other in the evenings because of my parents though. He would come to my house whenever my parents were out or away.In September 2004, we told each other that we loved each other. In March 2005 I left the workplace where we both worked to concentrate on studying, so we didn't see each other at the weekends anymore, but still spoke every night and saw each other most days. Our relationship was good and it felt good and it felt like it had a future, the two of us together. In June 2005, we lost our virginity to each other. From then our sexual relationship grew and was good and secure I think is the word.We often talked about the future and said that we wanted to be together, as in married, travel, have children just be together forever.In November 2005 I bumped into a friend who lived nearby me (I'll call him AP). We chatted and for some reason I never told Superman about him, which is strange as I normally told him everything. AP knew I had a boyfriend but often made suggestive comments to me that I ignored but didn't tell him to stop, but I did flirt sometimes with him. We met once for lunch and after he emailed me with a flirty remark, so I emailed back saying maybe you could find another way of saying bye next time. After this, I felt overcome with guilt and completely stopped talking to AP. But still hadn't told Superman about any of this.In December 2005, I moved house, somewhere quiet, where everybody knows everybody else’s business and also it just doors away from my uncles house. This made it hard for Superman to come around, just in case my neighbours mentioned something to my parents, so Superman’s visits became a little limited. Somebody had accessed my email address and changed my password, I told Superman about this and he told his friend an IT whiz, who decided to sort it out for me, without telling me. Of course, the IT whiz read my emails and found the ones to AP, he showed them to Superman. Superman confronted me and I admitted everything, and I told him that I did feel guilty about it and that I had cut all contact with AP. Fortunately, he loved me enough to eventually forgive me and we carried on being a couple. But this had hit us hard and our relationship began to go downhill fast. He didn't trust me (I don't blame him), and I lost trust in him because he would often tell me that he had lots of other girls, which although I knew he was joking, stayed in my head. Superman had stopped talking about our future together, he didn't like it when I spoke of it, so we just stopped talking about it.We worked hard at it to keep us together and slowly we began trusting each other. But things still didn't feel the same, maybe not just because of AP but because we were both stressed, he had his A Level exams and I was nearly finishing my course and had loads of deadlines. I was worried about him starting uni that year, because I don’t know why, selfish reasons? Because he was moving on, even though he was staying at home, and the uni he had chosen was local, I felt that he was moving on without me. What happened to me? Would he meet someone else? Would we still see each other regularly and often enough?In June 2006, my Dad left his work and started looking for a new job. As Dad was home all the time, Superman’s visits were even more limited, well basically, the visits stopped altogether.In August 2006, I got a new job. We had a pregnancy scare. I have always said that I wanted a baby, but when I thought that I was pregnant I was scared and Superman wasn't there for me. I didn’t want a baby because I know the time wasn’t right for me and that I wouldn’t have been able to give it a good quality of life, but although I would have had to I didn’t really want to kill a baby through abortion. I had so many questions, like how would it affect me in the future when I'm having children and what is the actual abortion procedure. And all of this is what Superman didn’t understand. I didn’t tell anybody else about this, so I coped by myself for 2 weeks. When I did try to speak to him about this, he told me that he didn’t know how to act and that he didn’t know how to be supportive. The day that I was taking the pregnancy tests Superman told me that he hated it and wouldn't be there for it if I had it. I took the pregnancy tests and both tests came back negative.Later that day, after the tests, we started talking and things felt different, better different, because I suppose the pressure was off. But we started talking about the things he said and we ended up fighting and he said why don’t you just dump me then and I said I am and then walked away, I turned around and he had sat down by the fountain and was crying, I sat next to him and cried too. I didn’t want to break up with him; it’s the last thing that I wanted. We talked some more and he kept saying it’s for the best I’m a shit boyf you can do better than me; he put his friends before me. And I told him that he wasn’t a shit boyf, that I have only ever wanted to be him with and that I love him. I asked him if he loved me, he said no, not the way I used to. I was shocked he had never said this before. He told me that he did love me and care for me but it wasn’t the same as it was in the beginning. I told him that it was ok and that my love for him had changed, at first it was a new fresh young and innocent love and now it was an everything love as in I knew all about him and had grown to love him even more, love everything about him, even those annoying habits. (Was this for my benefit or his??????) I told Superman that I don’t see myself without him in the future anymore; he’s that much a part of my future. He told me that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future and to be honest all he was certain about is that he would chilling with a nice car and a nice house.We decided to have a break for 1 month, just time to think things through, decide what we wanted. The break was from 7th Sept to 7th Oct and all the relationship rules applied so no straying of any sort. We went home and spoke that night and he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him. He told me to call or text him whenever I wanted or needed to. That night I was on the net, checking my mail and decided to check his (I know, I know I shouldn’t have been snooping), I came across his like myspace equivalent place and was reading his inbox and outbox and sent messages which he had sent to me and I had sent to him. But then I came across at least 6 messages from him to other girls, telling them that they were cute and sexy. Some of the messages dated back to just after the AP situation in December 2005, but some of the messages were older than that from May 2005. My heart broke and I understood how Superman must have felt when he found out about AP. I knew I had to confront him so the next day, Friday 8th Sept. I decided that I would tell him I felt like I was being lied to; this would give him the opportunity to tell me himself (without incriminating myself).When I woke on Friday 8th Sept, I saw a missed call and a text message from a number I didn’t recognise, it said Long time no hear. I decided I’d reply later. I told Superman that I had woken up with a feeling deep inside like I was being lied to or betrayed. (I know that sounds stupid, but I’m a very intuitive person and often do have feelings of betrayal when I am being lied to and Superman knows this) I asked him if he had ever lied to me or not told me stuff that would hurt me, I told him to think it through and we’ll talk when we meet the next day on Sat. I replied to the earlier message, asking who it was, the person replied saying it was Bob (my ex Bob). I was confused so I asked where he had got my number from and he said from his cousin, who I am friends with. Bob asked what I was upto these days, I told him I was working and asked him the same back, he replied and asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink and catch up soon. I said No. I didn’t get any more messages from him that day. I knew I had to tell Superman about this, but not over the phone, I thought it would be better to tell him to his face.Sat 9th Sept came and I was going to meet Superman on his lunch break, but I had found out that my granddad had gone into hospital so I went to visit him in another City. I told Superman this, he said that he was upset because he was looking forward to seeing me today, so I decided to go into his work the next day, Sunday. I also received another message from just asking how I was, but I didn’t reply and didn’t intend on replying to any more messages.Sunday 10th Sept, I went to Superman’s work and he didn’t really show any emotion as to how he felt about me being there. But he did take his lunch then so we went to a shop where I needed to pick up a few things. While we were in the shop, I started to explain about the messages I had got from Bob, straight away he asked me for Bob’s number not letting me finish explaining about what had happened. He was really angry at me for replying to Bob in the first place. I told him that I did reply at first but after I ignored his texts. He said that that didn’t matter, I shouldn’t have replied at all, and that I wouldn’t like it if he had started chatting to one of his exs. This is true, but I would have been glad that he had ignored them and that he had told me. He didn’t understand that I had been upfront about Bob getting in touch and the reason I had told him was because I was actually innocent, I hadn’t tried to hide any of this from him. He was calling me a pure ho and telling me that we were finished in front of the whole shop, so we walked out of the shop together. I tell him Superman that I’ll call Bob right in front of him and tell him to never speak or contact me again, so I start dialling his number, but no answer and again but no answer. Just as we came out of the shop Superman spat his chewing gum out (a bad habit I’ve been warning him about since we first met), a blonde girl, who was walking with her boyfriend, said something to Superman so Superman said “f*** off”. The next we know is the blonde’s boyfriend is running at Superman and I see them both on the floor and I hear Superman’s head hit the ground. I was in shock, shaking and didn’t know what to do; people around us had stopped and were watching the fight. I turned around and quickly picked up all of Superman’s things, his glasses, which had broken, his bag, his phone. I turn back around and start pulling Superman away from this guy, and the blondes pulling her boyfriend away too. They moved apart and the guy pulled his top and ran at Superman again, again they’re both on the floor and again we both try to pull our boyfriends apart. This time 2 older women in their 40s help pull them apart and they talk to Superman and try to calm him down. Superman tells me to get away from him and says that all this is my fault, I’m crying and say no its not. The women tell us both to have some coffee and calm down, so we walk away. Superman tells me he’s going to his friend MS’s work and tells me not to follow him, I tell him that I can’t leave him in this state, so I follow him. (MS is Superman’s closest friend at the moment and I think he’s a bit of a bad influence on his because since they’ve been friends Superman has started smoking again and stuff, but Superman is more likely to listen to his friend rather than me at this moment in time.) He tells me to go away, but I still don’t leave. He tells me not to come into MS’s work but I still follow him, when we’re inside I suddenly start crying and all the customers stop and look at me MS sees me too and he ask what’s wrong and I point at Superman. (I realised afterwards that people must have thought that he had hurt me or something, but he hadn’t.) Superman says we’ve got to get out of the shop now because I’ve made it risky for MS. So we walk out of the shop, he tells me to go home, and I tell him again that I’m not leaving him like this, he tells me to go into his work and tell them that he can’t come back in because there has been a fight. I say no, but I’ll call them for you, he says no because they’ll think I’m skiving off with you. He tells me he want s his stuff which I’m still holding after the fight. I give it to him and he walks away so I don’t know what to do, so I turn back around and go into Ms’s work again, he tells me to wait 10mins, so while I’m waiting Superman calls and asks where I am and to meet him by the info desk. MS has finished now and I explain everything that has happened while we walk to the info desk, at this point, I’m a lot calmer and not so shaky. I see Superman with one of the shopping centres security man; he knows Superman and is helping him find the guy that ran at him earlier. Superman talks to MS and starts calling me a ho again, so I walk away. I’m at the bus stop and find that MS has followed me alone to the bus stop, he calms me down again and we talk. He then gets a call from Superman telling him to meet him and bring me with him. So we go back and Superman’s with a police community officer person, she explains that Superman’s making a statement about the fight earlier because the attack was unprovoked, she asks if I want to make a statement, I look at Superman and he tells me no because it would be hard to explain all this to my parents, so I say no but I give details about what happened. Then Superman tells MS to take me to the bus stop and wait with me until I get on a bus then meet him again. So I say bye to Superman and I tell him I’ll call him tonight and he says ok. I wait for a bus with MS and go home. I call Superman later that night and the first thing he says is sorry, sorry for saying what he did because he didn’t mean it. We talk and he’s home now, he’s ok but his leg has swelled up. I tell him to go to the doctors and get his head checked out to because it hit the ground hard. We say sweetdreams and I love you.Monday 11th Sept, I’m at work, I finish early; I call Superman to tell him that I have finished work early and he tells me he’s at college, enrolling on an evening course. I tell him that I still haven’t sorted out the part time course that I want to do, so he says to come and sort it out now as I’ve finished early, so I do. Afterwards we fight again as he brings up the subject of Bob. Superman’s friends turn up and this makes me angrier for some reason. We get on a bus and go homeWednesday 13th Sept, my parents tell me that they’re going to visit my granddad that is in hospital straight from work. So I call Superman and ask him to come to mine, he says yes and agrees to meet me after work. I find out later in the day that my parents aren’t going to visit my granddad so I have to cancel meeting Superman. Superman also tells me that his Mum and 2 younger brothers have come back from holiday and that his Mum has bought me back a present and that she wants him to bring me around to their house on Friday. Apparently, she threatened Superman saying that if he didn’t bring me around to their home, she would come to my house, knowing that my parents don’t know about me and Superman. So Superman was left with no choice other than to bring me around.Thursday 14th Sept, Superman’s dad has gone to his own flat (which he often does when there are stressful times) as he and Superman’s mum have been arguing, because of this Superman doesn’t want me to come around on Friday now. As he would prefer to bring me around when his Dad is there too. But he still wants to meet me on Friday.Friday 15th Sept, we meet in the morning and decide to go bowling together, we’re talking like normal today and it feels nice, so good. Whilst we’re playing, Superman puts his arms around me, pulls me close and kisses me. And it hits me how much I’ve missed him, missed being close, missed his touch, missed him altogether. Afterwards we go for lunch and it’s good, we don’t argue and get angry at each other, we just talk about everything.That’s the story so far and I know it’s long but I need your opinion, what should I do?Superman’s Girl
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a break, abortion, at work, broke up, cheated on me, cousin, flirt, his ex, I love you, myspace, neighbour, pregnancy test, text, want a baby, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (20 September 2006):
 You are in an unhealthy relationship.
Your first warning sign that your boyfriend was no good was that he wouldn't introduce you properly to his parents.
Second he wouldn't forgive you for an over sight. Yes it was silly of you but you didn't cheat!
Thirdly He doesn't trust you, even though you haven't given him a reason to doubt you.
Fourthly if he really loves you he would NEVER call you names!
This man is no superman, he sounds more like a super jerk. The more you allow this man to treat you badly, the more he will treat you badly. In other words his behavior will escalate if you keep accepting this horrible behavior from him.
You are proving that girls like to be treated badly by men by staying with this guy. Heaven help all the girls that think that the relationship your going through is a 'love story'.
You shouldn't date any guy you can't introduce to your parents as your boyfriend and your parents are happy for you.
A
female
reader, LiLKiss +, writes (20 September 2006):
 the only thing i can say girl is OMG your love story is so much alike to mine... almost everything is the same... parents, friends,b/f situation even our age is the same... funny and strange but what you can do is to go on and do what you do. you both went through good and bad times but dont give up. if everything was neat and nice it would get boring lil spice and fights can actually bring people together.if i told you my story i would have to change just some unimortant pieces of story because its so alike. Dont give up thats what i can tell you and i wish you the best of luck...
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