A
female
age
41-50,
*ess26
writes:i dont know where to begin. i know im tired and exhausted and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. my parents are from india. very traditional. my boyfriend is american which to them is bad and he has a child from a previous marrige which is the icing on the cake for my parents. But im truly in love with this man. he has done nothing but shown me so much happiness. He isnt as educated as me as well. and my parents are like what are people going to think if u marry a man with a child??? they said it would break their hearts and they will never accept me in their home again. They said the family would be shamed. I feel terrible bc my parents did everything for me. payed for all my school. never let me struggle one day but im more liberal and opened minded than Im torn. my boyfriend is my happiness but im afraid to be the bad child and break my parents heart. my mother said to me i was killing her. this would just crush my father. i feel like im slipping into a bad state of depression.....help me please someone
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female
reader, babe23  +, writes (15 October 2008):
Hi jess..
Wel, i m indian and i understand the cultural difference you are talking bout. Its good that you understand that your parents love you a lot and what ever is going on rite now, is simply a direct consequence of that.
Give it time jess.... i know u'll think its stupid but thats the best thng to do.
When you know for sure that you love this guy, nobody can push you into a marriage.
Do your thng, dont talk of ur guy to your parents. But if they talk of your marriage, just subtly say, u dont want to be married. Trust me, eventually, they'll come around....
In our culture, relatives play a major role. Unfortunatly, our parents think of their status before they thnik of our happiness. But when you give it sufficient time, they will see that our happiness is what matters.
I am a brahmin girl... and i fell in love with a non-brahmin and has a stepfather!.... major friction initially but things settled down with time and everybody is happy now...
The hardest part is to break the news. once thats done, things will take time but they'll work out. trust me.
Good luck!
let me know howz it going...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): hey.. believe me i knw exactly what you are going through. im white and my boyfriend is coloured. today was 1 year and 7 months that we have been together,, and even though our relationship has been quite wonderful, my parents are completely against it. they say it is not a race thing but a culture thing. he is 2 years older than me but he is my world. he is also less educated than myself, he's only finishing his Matric this year and a degree in computers but they still say hes going nowhere in life. this is extremely hard for me because i love him so much but i know that it is breaking my mother's heart. i've been battling along and its not getting any better. but i feel i must just carry on because he is worth it. so my advice, follow your heart because it IS your decision. if you want to be with him forever, you will know it now
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I'm going through the same problem.. I'm Asian and my parents hate my boyfriend but he wants to get married.. Ive ran away because my paretns have been so ughhh you knoe?
y
Anyway I chose to follow my heart and I'm going to marry my boyfriend in the future no matter what so stay strongg. Your parents will always be with you but they won't necessarily make you happy. Chose what your heart says.. If you really love this man.. Marry him for all it's worth. Even if your paretns say that. They will always love you. They may be cold to you for awhile but I assure you they will warm up eventually =] Good luck. It'll hurt. But you'll be okay =]
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 June 2008):
 If your parents find Americans so repulsive why did they move here? Tell them to get real, this is 2008 America and you can chose whomever you want to marry. If they can't accept that then they should move back to the third world.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Unless your father has had heart problems already, I doubt the stress will cause a heart attack.
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A
female
reader, jess26 +, writes (9 June 2008):
jess26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMY BOYFRIEND HAS PROPOSED AND I KNOW I NEED TO MAKE A DECISION. Im just scared to go agaisnt my parents. I never wanted to hurt them and shame them. My mother is saying i will give my father a heart attack for sure. That marrying a man with a child from a previous marrige is unacceptable. I dont want to cause my dad to get sick or my mother.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (6 June 2008):
This must be very, very difficult. I can't imagine how you feel.
Do they have a problem if you two are just dating? Or they just worried that you are getting serious and that marriage could be a possibility? If they are okay with dating, then I would just let it go for now. You must think about what you would do but at the same time, don't overstress about something that hasn't happened yet.
If your boyfriend proposes to you, then you will have to make that ultimate decision.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Hi there,
well let me say I have seen problems like this many a time.
I used to teach girls from Greek,Turkish and Bangladeshi backgrounds and their fathers had huge problems with a male caucasian teaching their children. But as we were in London they could not dictate who teaches their children in a public school based solely on culture.
But it highlighted the glaring chasm between Western and Asian cultures. They honestly thought that as a white male I would be a threat to their daughters ( this is the level of mind we are dealing with here )
So it never surprises me when I see a post like yours, and moreover, it is really hard to offer advice because whichever way it goes someone is going to get hurt.
But I believe it is your choice. You are entitled to happiness in your life even if it goes against the wishes of your parents. They do not live your life you do. I believe that by emigrating to America they should understand that their children will assimilate into the local culture and even may want to marry a person who is non Asian. Holding onto your cultural values is all well and good but when they are used to discriminate against other cultures I have little sympathy.
At the moment your parents are blackmailing you into succumbing to their wishes - this is not a healthy situation and will only lead you into resenting them if you split up with your partner.
So you have a decision to make, if you decide to go against the wishes of your parents ( and I hope you do ) then make sure you have a strong network of friends to back you up and you will need to move out of the family home. If you have any family who will understand your situation ( there has to be someone surely ) then maybe they can act as an intermediary.
good luck, you are going to need it.
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