A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been dating a girl for a few months. I’m really happy. We can’t get enough of each other. We still haven’t had our first argument. We have tons of stuff in common. I get along well with her family. Basically everything is going very well. Except...This girl is born and raised in my home town, but she is coloured and she was raised by her parents who immigrated here with very little money. I have absolutely zero problem with that. Absolutely zero. The problem is, my parents don’t approve... They look down on her because she is not wealthy and they make racist, stereotypical assumptions. They are polite to her face but to me they say things that really make me upset and I know she can tell that they don’t really like her. I am afraid they WILL say something to her face and she will be offended and not want to be with me anymore. I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents until now and I’m shocked by how they’ve turned on me. I am a student working part time and living with my parents until I graduate in the fall. I’ve thought about moving out NOW because of how they’ve been. I could do it but I would have to dig deep into my savings and it would ruin my relationship with my parents. And if my girlfriend knew that it was because of her, I think she might leave me because she thinks family is the most important thing. I did confront my parents about it... sort of. That did help for a while but lately they’ve been back at it.I don’t know what to do..... does anyone have some advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): Although I completely agree with WiseOwlE about racism, and I won't tolerate it, I am not absolutely sure that racism is the problem and I am not absolutely sure that it needs to be taken so 'deeply'.
I say this because my own parents were very racist. They came from an originally very white country and they moved to live in a very small town and neither of them were educated - they both left school at 14 or 15. So, they had very little chance to integrate or experience any 'difference' at all. They were very unhappy people, but also very 'naive'. They had both an abusve, horrible side to them, but both were also like children, and had a lovely, very innocent side. In short, it was their conditioning growing up, and lack of experience, and their FEARS of difference that caused them to be this way.
My dad died young, so I don't know if his attitudes would ever have changed. But with my Mum, who could be an incredibly difficult woman, there was progress. I moved to London with my young daughter and I deliberately asked my Mum to take my daughter to an after-school martial arts defence class, knowing that there would be a majority of black kids there. My mum went and took her, and was horrified. But, she went the next week, and she met a women she really got on with. As well as this, my partner at the time had black people in his family. He is white and his mum is white, but his mum asked my Mum over for the afternoon, to have a walk and a glass of wine etc. My mum apparently made her typical racist comment during this time BUT, when she got home, she realised she may have been offensive because she realised my partner's mum had black people in her family. She told me that she was worried she may have caused offence, and we had a discussion about it. These kinds of experiences helped her to be more accepting. She died not long after, but I think it helped her to be more accepting even so.
So, your parent are alive. Unlike mine, they did not die before you could educate them and expose them to difference. Bear in mind they will have previous conditioning. but also bear in mind that older people can seem more racist than they are because it can partly be habit. It's not acceptable, no, but it means it's not as vicious as it may seem and it may be easier to change. Do they like Indan food? Chinese food? Jamaican food? Any other food from other countries? If so, then make sure that you make them aware of how hypocritical they are to accept these foods into their lives but not he people? Do they know much about how terribly black people have been treated in the past? Maybe educate them.
On the other hand, bear in mind that, if you have never had a kind of rebellious phase with them, and they've never had any sort of argument with you, then your new girlfriend will be a 'first' for them in terms of you asserting your difference from them. Part of what they may be fearing is the idea of losing you - every parent fears this when their kid rebels and, if you never have rebelled, then they have not gone through the process of adjusting to you as different to them, so they will be extra fearful of what your girlfriend represents.
It is as if she embodies your need to rebel against your parents. You are fearful of rebelling against them because you love them. But if you don't, you won't pass through the necessary transition stage into becoming your own person. I speak as a Mum who has known how painful this can be. My daughter's first boyfriend was Indian - we are both white - HIS mother would not accept my daughter, and was horrible and rude to her. Eventually it ended because he would not stand up to his mother. Years later, he contacted my daughter and they met up. She realised he had never grown up, was basically an idiot and a Mummy's boy, and couldn't believe how much she'd adored him in the past. Basically, he had not 'manned up', not just about my daughter, but about so many things in life.
You sound - sorry - possibly similar to him. I think you are battling with really growing up into a man, and your girlfriend symbolises that for you and for your parents. The racism is kind of coincidental, but must be taken seriously.
Why not get them all together for an open talk?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): OP here. Small point of clarification, she is not black. I used the term “coloured” to be vague for the sake of anonymity. I should have said “visible minority” or something like that but I didn’t think of that while I was writing the post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): Racism is ignorance and hatred. Ignorance, because the person really doesn't have to base their feelings on what they know or any fact; just what they want to believe. Hatred, because they hold negative-feelings or malice towards someone who hasn't done anything to them...just for being different.
You had to learn who your parents really are on the inside. As you were a kid growing-up, that ugliness was always there; only they hid it from you. You may have witnessed it, but dismissed it. You probably shrugged-off their racist comments. It didn't bother you, until it was in your face. Now it is directed towards someone you care about. They may or may not change. You have to stand-up for what's right.
Now that you're an adult, they aren't hiding it anymore. You haven't discovered anything new about them. It was a family-secret; until you got a woman of color for a girlfriend.
"Coloured" is an outdated offensive term used here in the United States; in what was known as the old-south. The southern states. The Old Confederacy, that owned slaves. Offensive terminology used continuously up until the late 1960's; when black people had enough of their blatant disrespect.
Black people were once owned like cattle and treated like property. The term you used was kinder than other slurs used for black people. Native Indigenous people were also referred to by using other terrible bigoted terms. All resurfacing over the past two years! Following a horrid election in 2016!
Your girlfriend is black! "Coloured" is not a polite reference.
It's a white supremacist conspiracy-theory; that some fear mixing of races will eradicate the white race. I am biracial/multiracial. I encounter this form of ignorance frequently. It's subtle, but it's there. All you can do is not allow it to become a part of you.
Your folks are using a psychological threat to discourage a serious relationship; or the possibility of an interracial-marriage. They may be good people, but they harbor unsubstantiated-fears that bring-out the worst in people.
There is a different between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance comes from the lack of knowledge. Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. Stupidity resists knowledge, and hates to be challenged with facts. Which do you think they are?
We have a high-ranking elected-official here in my country; who seems to enjoy manipulating, inciting, and encouraging racism. It has always been here, and has never left this country. Political-correctness put a phony-face on it. Most Americans are good people, and detest racism and bigotry.
Your girlfriend is not oblivious to bigotry. As a person of color, she will encounter it all the time. I think it would be best that you inform her; and not take the chance of them insulting her to her face. They may ambush her, if they think you're getting too serious. She can probably deal with them on her own terms. Her parents have educated her to expect these issues; as did mine.
Simply inform her that your parents are uncomfortable about your interracial-relationship. That's enough. Hiding that fact is more dangerous than telling her so. They will play their race-card; and keep you paranoid and always on the defensive. Take it away from them. Let them know you told her.
My dad is of Greek heritage, with a Moroccan great-grandfather. My mother is Indigenous Native American, of the Cherokee Nation. A rare and unlikely pairing. They met when my dad did construction-work on a summer-job during college; repaving the street in-front of her parents' house.
My mixed-heritage gives me a mixture of racial-features; but you can tell I'm not white. Mom's dad wasn't crazy about their relationship; but my dad could blend. Olive-toned skin, hazel-green eyes, and black wavy hair. Our extended-relatives on both sides were not accepting. My parents didn't care. Therefore, my siblings and I exist. They got married through a Justice of the Peace. No big fanfare wedding. My mother's father offered, and could well afford one; but they didn't want to deal with relatives.
You will always encounter ignorance and bigotry as a couple; so be prepared. You just have to learn to deal with it within your own family. Stand-up for her, or let her go.
You dealt with your parents..."sort of???"
If you're going to be cowardly about it, you are setting her up for God knows what? I suggest you give her a heads-up; so she doesn't stand there looking like a total fool, while your parents are pretending and hating on her.
You can't change them; maybe in time they'll get used to the reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): This is a tricky one. You can do any of these following things--- 1. Wait until you graduate and then move out, keeping good terms with your parents. Tell them that you're moving out because you need to be independent in life, it's not about the girl. Avoid bringing your girlfriend to the places where your parents will possibly be present for the time being. 2. Move out now and face uncertainty, troubled finances and have a lifelong sour relationship with parents. You can't change the perspective of your parents, niether can you spill the beans to your girlfriend regarding the truth, cause she will be hurt. It's best to keep both parties away from each other until you graduate and move out. Later on, you can tell your parents that you respect them and they must respect your choice as well. You need to be financially covered before taking such big decisions. Think emotionally, act practically. But I'm really proud of you for standing up for your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): I think you should call your parents out when they say things that are offensive. Just say “do you realise what you said is racist/offensive?” If they say no, then explain to them why it is offensive. If they say yes, then tell them that it hurts you and that you won’t tolerate their behaviour.
If your girlfriend is upset by your parents comments then explain to her that you clearly do not share their view and that you are embarrassed by their behaviour.
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