A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Some basic info first: (sorry, this is going to be a bit long)I'm currently i'm a 19 y/o above average college student, living at home. I'm unemployed, but i'm currently looking for a job for the summer. I'm the oldest child of two. My boyfriend is 20, and he's not in college right now (though he's planning to in the very near future), he's working and making decent money to help out his family financially and to save up for college. We are currently in a serious LDR relationship (10 hours away), and we've been together for almost 2 years now. (miraculously.)The problem? My parents dislike him. Yes, they've met him and liked him at first. But as they got to know his background a bit more, they just hate him. They're asian, and they're very big on religion (they're catholics). Some things that they don't like about him: They dislike the fact that he's not in college (they believe if you don't go to college after high school, then you'll never go period.), they dislike the fact that his parents are divorced (ties in with their catholic beliefs), they dislike the fact that we're in an LDR, they dislike the fact that we're too serious with each other because he's my first boyfriend. They mostly dislike the fact that he was a catholic before, but now he couldn't keep up with going to church every sunday because his life's a bit stressful having to deal with work and helping his family with finances. There's many other things that they dislike, but they're not worth mentioning because it's ridiculous and most of it is based off their catholic beliefs.They don't really pay much for my college anymore anyways. I hate to depend on them for money. So I always go out of my way to get as many scholarships and grants as I can, and pay the rest of my tuition off with loans. (which isn't a lot, i like to try my best) The only thing they are paying for me right now is my car insurance, because i'm unemployed. (The car is mines, under my name. Parents gave it to me as a college gift)We've visited each other a couple times already, and yes we have planned a future with each other. Every moment we spend together is amazing and i've never been happier in my life when i'm with him. Yes he is my first boyfriend, and i'm a particularly picky person when it comes to who I want to date, and I don't really want to date anyone else besides him. He treats me right, he makes me happy, and I can see a bright future with him. We're both virgins, we've promised to not have sex till we're married and there are many other ways to show that we love each other.The other problem? My parents won't let me see and talk to him anymore. I can't even TALK to the guy. They won't let him come visit, and they absolutely refuse to let me go as well. They went as far as to cut off my phone so I couldn't talk to him anymore. It's just ridiculous of them to be acting like that. They want me to completely break it off with him and never to associate with him ever again. Is it really right for them to do that? Telling me who i can and can't date i mean... and pretty much forcing me to break up with him.There was a moment where they were so overbearing that me and my boyfriend had to call a temporary break. Just so my parents would stop pressuring me and so they would back off a bit. But it took a wrong turn, my parents thought that he broke up with me for another girl (i don't know how they thought that up), and they suspected him of cheating on me, so now they hate him EVEN MORE. I just don't even know what to do about that anymore. But anyhow, in the end, after our 2 month break, we decided it's not helping our situation any better so we decided to get together again and our relationship has been stronger than before. My parents sort of know that we're still talking, but they believe we're only talking strictly as friends. They kind of get the hint that I'm still together with him, but they won't openly say anything about it because they're a bit in denial. I can't bring myself to tell them that we're not just friends either, because I know that will just strain my relationship with my parents even more, confirming their fears and giving them a reason to yell at me again.I don't hate my parents, I love them very much, and respect their religious beliefs and opinions, but lately they've become very overbearing. Recently, i brought up the topic of visiting my boyfriend again (yes, i brought it up), but my parents refuse to even talk like civil people when my he's mentioned. They would start yelling and insulting him until i'm drowned in tears. Maybe that was the wrong approach.... It's been at least 4-5 months since we've last seen each other, maybe longer, i don't even know, and i just want to visit for 3-4 days to make up for lost time (since he's not allowed in our home anymore). My parents have seem to come up with some new reasons to prevent me from going though... Their reason is that i'm making myself look whore-ish by sleeping over at his family's house and it's shameful to them. They keep telling me "How do you think people would look at you?" "What do you think people would say?" "What do you think people will say about US? They'll say we're bad parents for not disciplining you enough and letting you whore yourself around like that." I find that very insulting and hurtful that they believe i'm whoring myself around.My boyfriend's family honestly don't care if I spend time over there. They actually love having me around and they wished I would visit more often. They're also asian, but they're very relaxed and more americanized. They even invited me to come back several times, but I can't because of my parents.I know i'm 19, and many people would tell me that if i wanted to go, i should just go because i'm legal and they can't stop me. Well, that's true, but every time I think about just doing what I want, my parents guilt trip me, telling me that if i go, then i might as well pack up the rest of my stuff and get out of their house, and that after all the things they've done for me this action shows that i don't care about them or the family and my actions will hurt them gravely. And as with most parents, to them, I can't do anything or make my own decisions as long as i'm in their house, and the only way i can do whatever I want is if i finish school and move out, or if they're dead. As you can kind of tell, i feel guilty quite easily when it comes to my family.There are some other things that my family has been driving me crazy about, but it's not exactly relevant to the topic, but lets just say that it's to the point where i just wished i could move out, or spend the summer some place away from home for a while. They're so overprotective and a bit controlling i feel so smothered and chained down, and for all my life, I kind of let them do it because I love them and i try to be an obedient daughter to make them happy.I'm really tired of that now, i'm tired of always doing what they want, even though I know it's not what I want. I'm tired of them running my life, telling me what I should be doing, or what I should, can, and can't do. I still love them, i want them to be happy, but making them happy costs me MY happiness. I know they just care about me and all, and they feel as though they have to shoulder my responsibilities and decisions so I can "live life easy", but when is it enough? When can I start making my own decisions and taking responsibilities for my actions? When can I start making myself happy instead of them? What if I don't want to "live like easy", but instead I want to feel a bit of that hardship, to know what it's like. I hate being a sheltered child. Yes. A child. Because that's what they basically treat me like everyday as though I can't do anything myself. Talking to them about it is futile as well, because they don't talk to me on equal grounds. They talk down on me as though i'm 7, even though i try to handle the situation maturely and listen to what they have to say and give my opinion calmly without raising my tone to their level.I just want to leave the house for a while in order to be able to make my own decisions (since I can't do so in their house).I can't dorm at school at the moment, because they don't offer summer dorming unless i take summer classes. And I don't exactly have the money to move out yet.My boyfriend and his mom actually offered me to stay at their place for the summer and come back home when classes start again. They even know people/places who are hiring right now, so then i'd even be guaranteed a summer job down there.It seems like such a good idea, I can spend time with my boyfriend for the whole summer, i can get a job and save some money for school, and I can take a breather away from my family a bit... And i think it would be a great experience to be living in a different city for once. But i know if i go with it my family would not take it lightly...I feel so confused, I really want to do what I want for once and stop letting my parents run my life like this, but then again i'm afraid i'm hurting them. I care about them a lot, but they don't see that either... If I just keep letting them prevent me from doing things i want to do, then who knows how long it will be before i can. Probably never, because in their eyes i'm just a child. It's a lose-lose situation for me and I don't know what I should do... Maybe it's naive of me to think that I can start making my own decisions without hurting my parents....Have any of you been though something similar? Where you basically have to hurt your parents in order for them to realize you're not a child anymore? I've read stories where people moved out of their parents home against their parents will and it hurt them pretty bad and there were lots of bad feelings and arguments, but they eventually got over it and they still love their child no matter what they decided to do... I'm afraid my parents won't be the same...Should I just take up the offer to spend my summer with my boyfriend's family and risk hurting my parents? Or should I just suck it up and be miserable and lonely till i finish school and move out...? (which is like... 2-3 more years...)Or, if you have any other opinion about the situation, i'd like to hear your thoughts as well. Is there something else I could do? Am I making some mistake here? Am I just being childish to want this?I really want to spend the summer with my boyfriend, it seems like such an awesome experience to be in another city, but i'm so afraid of the consequences... and i'll admit, i'm a bit afraid of my parents and maybe what they might do....
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 To bad this was not a question from your parents.
They are actually steering you two together by trying to drive you apart. A common mistake among parents.
About 30% of your devotion towards your boyfriend is because of this. Maybe more. I don't know if you've ever owned a pet but if you have you'll know how protective you feel for your dog or cat. Multiply that by oh.. 50 thousand and you'll get were your parents are coming from. They are old school but in many ways, the right school. Ask you mom to sit down with you and look over your baby pictures and let her talk about you. You'll see a whole history of loving and caring and knowing you. They want the absolute best for you. I know you know that, but just sit and listen. They aren't controlling you, they're just being chaperones trying to keep you on a path that will open more doors for you. That's good stuff!!! This boy, offers companionship, friendship and that is good stuff too !!! He may be the one, but if I was him I'd want to prove to your parents that I am good stuff and will prove to you that I am worthy of your daughter. That is respect, that is old school, still counts here and that would prove to you that they matter, which currently they don't.
You see he's coming from "I want her" he's ego based and selfish in his thoughts. Your parents are "I want for her" They are selflessly based. I'm going to tell you not to obey your parents and feel like they have their little girl locked in a cage. I am going to ask you to look at how your parents want to see you fly, to soar, further your knowledge, adventure and self development. They may not like any guy you get involved with because they don't want to see you get hurt or fall away from a path that will keep you safe. They'll probably be like this even when you marry. Taking off for the summer will change the RS with your parents that could be negative or positive, that future is not yet written. It will be a learning curve either way. It's your choice but may end up being your parents choice as well, they could cut you off, teaching you the lesson of total independence. In the end you may find more answers living with your BF than staying at home and feeling resentful. Your parents can't teach you everything, sometimes they have to get out of your way and let you learn through your own trials and tribulations.
If I was your mom, I'd make you leave for the summer, I'd be scared and worried as hell, but in my wisdom, I'd make you go. Just be happy you still have your options.
A
male
reader, refinishing +, writes (12 May 2011):
My goodness, doesn't that sound familiar.
About 3 years ago I was in a long distance relationship - 15 hours away. I had known this girl since I was 13. She was my best friend and practically grew up together over the phone and web. I was 19 when we started the whole relationship thing. She and her parents are devout baptists, very strong in their faith and I am not in the same boat when it comes to the walk with God. When her parents heard that we started an actual relationship, things got rough. Her mother acted like she didn't mind, but I know she did. Her father was less than supportive to say the least because I would bring her down and hinder her walk with God (simply because I was not at the same point of progression as her, if that makes sense). This story doesn't end well, so I wan't to get it over with. It got down to where she eventually would have to pick between her family or me (I did not ask her to make that decision, it was situational). I had flown down there a couple times and her parents never let her fly to me even though my mother was happy to have her in our home. Back then I was working a minimum wage job and barely making the money to see her in the first place. I tried to talk to her about taking the risk, and I promised I was worth it. She was afraid she'd be kicked out of her house or they'd shut her phone off (strangely similar to your situation). Of course things kept going downhill, she wouldn't do what was needed to keep the relationship going until we could move in together and I don't blame her, because choosing between family and love is never an easy thing and it isn't a choice you should have to make. The relationship ended and our friendship was never the same.
Listen. If you love this boy, go for it this summer. Your parents love you so much that they don't see they are hurting you and not allowing you to grow and make your own decisions. But, when you prove you are more than capable of handling your own choices, they will back off. Parents are parents. Sometimes it's the kids that have to teach them the lesson by proving you are responsible enough to make it on your own.
Take the risk sweetheart. If you don't, your parents' grip will only get tighter, and things will fall apart. Needless to say, I don't want my story to become yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Wow. Your parents are strict and like to lay on the Catholic guilt much like mine. Things didn't change until my mother was diagnosed with cancer and my parents realized life was too short to try and manipulate the lives of their adult children. They have finally accepted each of us as who we are, and given up on trying to be controlling parental units.You mentioned that Catholicsm is the religion of your parents. Is it your religion too? You seem to almost resent 'their' religion...in a way one can only resent a religion when it is used by others to manipulate one's actions instead of using it as a tool for spiritual guidance. the way your parents are trying to control you by throwing their misguided interpretations of you and them being judged for visiting your boyfriend and how much you rely on them financially...this likely isn't going to be pleasant showdown. Your parents pay for your food, phone, car insurance, and keep a rent-free roof over your head. Do they pay for clothing, Internet, electricity, other utility bills, medical bills and medical insurance for you too? Is moving 10 hours away to make money (which isn't even a sure thing) worth almost definitely losing their financial support for the near future? Will you be able to make enough money to support yourself for any duration they withhold financial assistance from you...up to and including finding and working in a probably full-time, low paying, unappreciated position with weird hours while you are a full time student? From my personal experience, I would stay with my parents. When my parent's stopped providing me with financial help while I was a full time student, I had to work full time, night shift, in a fast food restaurant. My grades suffered. I lost my academic scholarships....If this boy really truly loves you, he will wait until you have finished college. In the meantime, you and your parents need some kind of intensive family counseling...maybe there is a wise religious figure in your parish who could help mediate conversations between you and your parents while encouraging them (your parents) to let go, stop laying 'Catholic guilt' trips on you, and let you begin to live your life.I wish you all the best. Please don't let your parents turn you into a bitter, confused, person like mine. Parents sometimes have secrets that go against their fundamental beliefs. Both of my parents were previously married to different people and divorced before marrying one another. (found this out with a public records search 3 weeks ago). I had a boyfriend whose mother divorced his father while we were dating. My parents turned it into a church scandal, the mother and her new husband had to stop receiving communication until the original marriage could be annulled. They didn't want me to date him...sighs...and they didn't want me to think divorce was ok just because his parents did it. Hypocrites.Before you leave to stay with your boyfriend
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (12 May 2011):
Bible Verses about
Long Distance Relationships
1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV / 76 helpful votes
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Colossians 2:5 ESV / 72 helpful votes
For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the firmness of your faith in Christ.
Luke 18:1 ESV / 33 helpful votes
And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.
Joshua 1:9 ESV / 32 helpful votes
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Matthew 18:19 ESV / 28 helpful votes
Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
Genesis 31:49 ESV / 27 helpful votes
And Mizpah, for he said, “The Lord watch between you and me, when we are out of one another's sight.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 ESV / 21 helpful votes
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV / 20 helpful votes
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Jeremiah 32:27 ESV / 20 helpful votes
“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?
Genesis 2:24 ESV / 14 helpful votes
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Philippians 1:3 ESV / 13 helpful votes
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you,
Deuteronomy 24:5 ESV / 8 helpful votes
“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.
Romans 12:1 ESV / 6 helpful votes
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
John 17:17 ESV / 6 helpful votes
Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.
Luke 1:1-4 ESV / 5 helpful votes
Inasmuch as many have undertaken to compile a narrative of the things that have been accomplished among us, just as those who from the beginning were eyewitnesses and ministers of the word have delivered them to us, it seemed good to me also, having followed all things closely for some time past, to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus, that you may have certainty concerning the things you have been taught.
Isaiah 46:10 ESV / 5 helpful votes
Declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose,’
Just copied and pasted these off a website. Maybe try subtly dropping a few in places.
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A
female
reader, BeckyHugs  +, writes (12 May 2011):
Hi, Simple answer hun! Family is important and so is religion, I wouldnt give up my belief and family for the world! But there comes a time when family has to let us go, im 18 and im moving out of the family home to go to university in september so i have an idea of what your going through and my parents have hated my fair share of boyfriends! (Good call on the waiting till marriage thing, that may score you points with the parentals) I honestly would advise you to move out! Maybe transfer colleges and move in with your boyfriend, get a place of your own! Your old enough to and they really cant stop you! If he treats you right and makes you happy, then you already know the answer really dont you? :) xxxx
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