A
female
age
30-35,
*ar221991
writes:my boyfriend and i have a true love story......we met online and i got lucky. well my parents loved him at first and then after 4 months they started to say he doesnt have a car, and he doesnt have a desent job.....but the working world is harsh and i tried to explain to them that its hard to get a job and a car because the car's expensive.......and they said they dont think hes motivated enough to do anything but theyre not around him.......they limit my time with him and i practically have to beg to hangout with him... any advice?
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male
reader, koenig  +, writes (27 June 2009):
It's great that you love him, even if he isn't the highest earner.
Your parents want what's best for you. They want to make sure that you're with someone who can provide from you (even if you can provide for yourself) and that you're not with someone who'll just sponge off of you. I'm not saying that your boyfriend can't provide for you or is a sponge. In fact, I suppose it would be fair to say that at the moment, I'm in a similar position to your boyfriend.
It would be good if you could encourage him to be more motivated. You haven't said much about what he does or how qualified he is in your post, so this isn't that specific. You could encourage him to try to get promoted or to get some more education (go back to school, take night classes, distance learning and so on). You've got to think about both of your futures, you're always going to have bills to pay, so you're going to need jobs.
If you feel that strongly about him, then you've just got to try to get around your parents wishes. But it doesn't just have to be about that, you could gently encourage him in the right direction to be more successful. You don't have to be really successful in life, but some success is very helpful. Unless he changes, your parents are quite unlikely to change their minds.
I wish I could be more helpful, but I really don't think you'll just be able to change your parents' minds. You've just got to try to make it work the best you can. Try to talk it through with them and to get them to respect how you feel about him. That's really the best I have to offer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): Hey there!
I can imagine that the circumstances must be difficult for both of you.
One aspect I see here is that your parents of course want the best for you and to be sure that you will be able to live a comfortable and wealthy life. Every parents want that for their child because it gives them a feeling of security.
On the other hand, to value him in such a way because he doesn't have a car and a good job seems somewhat materialistic to me. Of course it makes life easier and more convenient.
But in these times after the economy crisis every person who still has a job can call himself lucky.
And for example, if you live in a big city with a lot of traffic, taking the metro, the bus or the bike is a much better and responsible choice. (I don't know in what kind of city you live) In a provincial town on the contrary a car gives you much more freedom, of course.
But that's not the point here...
You said your parents liked him at first, that's a good thing. So they appreciate his character and that's much more important.
Because in my opinion the character of a person cannot truely be changed. Of course he can act different but his inner world will stay the same for most of the part.
But what you CAN change is your job.
And you can decide to buy a car.
It's difficult for a foreigner to figure how the situation must be there right now. But as I said at the beginning, we are living in difficult times. And what I know about your country is that getting the right job is much more difficult than in the richer European countries.
Your parents might be able to see it that way, too.
My advice for you is:
Try to convince them that you are aware of the fact that if your beloved had a better job things could be a lot more comfortable. But those issues actually don't have an influence on whether to love a person or not.
I think you like the person and his character, not the house, the credit card, the car or whatever. I see that as a good side of your character.
Your parents will have to accept that.
Try to make them see it over a long time.
You are still young and all doors are open both of you.
In the future maybe he will be able to get a better job.
Everyone starts to climb the latter of success with the first step. And I think your boy deserves the chance to try it, if he wants to.
Another thing is, in my opinion to do the kind of work you want to do, something you can enjoy is much more valuable in life than to earn good money, but to hate the job.
Here's another advice that maybe can help you:
When you can convince your parents that it's not that your boy lacks motivation, but opportunity, ask them if they maybe can help out. Maybe they have connections and know some place where he could work.
Get them involved.
Be constructive and work on a solution together.
When your parents are willing to help things could become much more easier. And by that I think their opinion about his motivation might change.
My best wishes for your luck and your future.
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A
female
reader, skllver  +, writes (26 June 2009):
hey i think you should follow your heart... if you really feel hes the one for you then your parents should respect that... sneaking around wont hurt your parents... but you should really sit down and explain hun.. does your partner feel the same way about you .. how about if he helps out at a charity shop. if hes not that kind of man then maybe you shouldnt try change him . i think you should stay with him. Meeting online is risky too but im glad it has worked out for you
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