A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI'm 21 yrs old and I'm having some trouble issues with my family,especially my father.I'm the tybe of guy who doesn't have many friend maybe 2 or 3 friends(guys)and I think my parents cause this to me.I barely go out and have fun with friends 'cuz when I'm a little bit late than my schedule then my father gonna call me to get know where I'm, its not like they(my parents)don't give me permission to go out but I get mad/annoyed by his calls. And when I'm back home sometimes they ask me where I've been and I feel like I'm reporting to a cop,when I try to confront them,they say'we want to make sure if you're ok,we need to take care of you' even I'm not teen anymore cuz I'm turning 22 in few months, I think they're controlling me,but they don't admit it.Even I was a good boy in past who doent made any problem in school but I don't know. I respect toooo much my parents and love them to death,even I think they don't give me the freedom I deserve.what should I do?Am I worng or are they? I'm sooo depresed plzz any advice Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): Their roof their rules, once I paid my bills, my rent I never had to report to my parents, so you see it's really simple, support yourself in order to have the freedom you think you deserve
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 IF you live in their home even if you pay rent and do chores you still owe them the courtesy of letting them know when you are coming and going. IF you say “I’ll be home at midnight” and then you are detained… they worry… it’s what parents do. Heck I’m 53 and my dad worries that I’m safe and healthy and happy. I worry about my 28 yr old and my 26 year old all the time and neither of them live at home. PARENTS WORRY. It’s what we do. Common courtesy would be if you say you will be home at a certain time and you see you are going to be late, don’t make them worry, or seek you out.. Be a proactive adult and call them and say ‘hey I’m running late don’t worry all is well be home shortly”
When they ask where you have been.. if you haven’t been doing anything wrong why does it bother you to tell them??? They are just curious to know what is going on in your life… I ask my sons all the time what’s going on in their lives….
Do they stop you from going out? Do they forbid you to go out with your friends? I don’t’ see them asking about things after the fact as controlling…
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2013):
 At 21 are you still in school or working?
Do you contribute to the household? Or are they still paying everything for you? If it's the latter then I don't think they are controlling you per say, I think they are just hoping you would respect them more then you do.
If you want more freedom, then maybe it's time to get a job and move out? Not sure if that is done in your culture or if you generally stay home til you marry?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 February 2013):
 If/when you are someone's child (son or daughter) and you live in their home, then you are subject to their (your parents' or guardians') rules.... THAT is a simple matter.
IF you transgress those rules, then you are subject to the sanction/punishment which ensues......
I don't "see" any question here. IF you wish to change the matter... then you must make arrangements to live at a different address.....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 February 2013):
 I'll try to be sensitive, because I remember I felt the same way when I was your age, and my every ambition outside of my college education was to get out of the house and be on my own, so keep in mind that I sympathize with how you feel.
That being said, trust me, even though it feels this way, your parents are not controlling. Controlling is if they didn't let you go out, or forced you to go to bed at a certain time, or they picked your friends, picked your school, picked your career for you, and arranged your marriage. **That** is control.
What you're dealing with isn't control...it's accountability, and believe it or not, it's also love. If you were on your own and had a roommate, and especially if you were married, you have people who care about you and worry about where you are and whether or not you've gotten into a car accident or got robbed or had a seizure. That's why your parents check on you...they care greatly. They're not restricting your activities, they're just asking you to show the common courtesy of letting them know where you are.
It's got nothing to do with you being good or bad. In fact, if your parents thought you were bad, they wouldn't give a flying rat's ass where you were, and that's an awful feeling knowing that you matter to no one.
I have a way to help ease your situation, and that's called "Contract for time". This means before you go out, tell your parents where you're going, where you *might* be going, and what time you believe that you'll be home. Then, if your plan changes, give them a quick text and let them know you're staying the night at a friend's or you've gone somewhere else and tell them not to worry.
There's another thing at play here you might not realize and won't understand until you're their age with kids of your own. They are staring "empty nest" in the face, and while you're straining to cut the bonds and be your own guy, they're mourning parenthood, because you leaving means a profound change in their lives.
I agree that to have complete autonomy, you can do nothing short of moving out. To have them see you as an adult a little more, offer to pay rent if you're not already doing so (I was paying it at 18 years old until I moved out), because an adult pays for their expenses.
Be sensitive to what they're going through, and trust me, it's love when someone cares where you are. You may want to consider spending some time with them too. When you leave the house and get everything you've ever wanted, and you're living your own life, your relationship with your parents will change again, and you'll see some of the things they do with new eyes.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 February 2013):
If you move out on your own and are completely self-supporting you likely can do whatever you want. If you are still living under their roof however....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): You are acting like a teenager not a 21 year old man. It is only decent to let them know when you will be late back so they don't worry - heck I'm 25 and I tell my parents where I am and what I'm doing. It's just basic respect since we all live in the same house. Is a quick text message or call to them really so bad when it puts their mind at ease? Why not just do it instead of kicking off? The former is much less hassle and will cause you much less grief. Similarly with them asking you about your life, they are just showing an interest in their son. If you had flatmates or a wife they would ask the same questions, would you be mad at them too? You don't live in a hotel dude, you live with family who worry and have every right to be kept in the loop. I think you need to start acting like an adult and not a rebellious teenager or move out and get your own place.
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