A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, first of all sorry in advance if this might come off as a rant. So, I'm 19 years old and just started university last September. Recently, I'm not exactly sure why but suddenly, I'm finding that my parents thinking have become more odd as they age and it has been affecting my life in general in terms of like me trying become more of an adult and try to be more independent. Also, their thinkings has inflicted this kind of paranoia that I constantly have nowadays and I will elaborate on that.To refer to my parents thinking.. so recently, I've brought up the topic of trying to drive alone around my housing area just to practice and make sure that I can drive myself in case of anything. And the thing is I told them its for practice AROUND my housing area, so it isn't too busy in the evenings and I can drive slow (which is exactly how I drive even with my parents, slow as turtle.) and immediately, they go off and start making up stories like people would purposely hit my car just to stop me and naturally I'll get out of my car to check on it, and I might end up getting kidnapped. I certainly no idea how they came to such conclusions. I mean, I just wanted to try driving on my own, I'm not asking to drive into the city or anything else. and frankly, I think it isn't like a huge request. So I actually had to talk to somebody about this and I ended up talking to my cousins and his mum (my aunt) and they looked at me and were pretty shocked about the scenario my parents came up with. I know they are 3rd party listeners but they have been growing up with me and they know how my parents are like. And the fact is, they've observed how my parents treat my brother and I and they did give an opinion that they are somewhat controlling over me and my brother. they're not wrong at the same time because my parents have this tendency to want to have control over us all the time like they want to have control of every situation and they would NEVER EVER listen to my brother and I if we had something to say. (Im not exactly sure how to explain it.) They also tend to ignore our feelings in the sense that, my opinion is always invalid to them. They're not very accepting towards how we feel in other words. I'm not very sure how to deal with this situation to be honest. Actually, the conversation of the driving alone, it was in front of my friends as well, and they kinda gave me a look that said "I'm so sorry" as they heard what dad had to say, which is I shouldn't drive on my own etc. And it got to me, because literally everyone I know, they're all driving on their own and whenever theres a meet up, I'm the only one who doesn't drive and I'm the only one who always need transport home. And I know, I sound god awful, but I'm not asking to drive out everyday or something, I'm just asking if I could try it out at least. And to refer to my paranoia, its like I feel I can never talk to my parents about whats happening in my life. I fear that they would immediately judge which is true because I've seen it happen to my brother and a couple of times with me when I tell them something. I thought like since I turned 18, I thought, it would be better to let them be aware of whats going on with me. so like I wanted to meet up with a friend who is a guy, I'll just tell them straight who's this person etc. and I think that helped in terms of me going out with that person and all. But now, actually, I've gotten to know one of my friends for 7 years, better and realised that we really click. he's visited me at my uni several times and now, we both know we have feelings for each other and would wanna maybe start dating. I already told him how my parents react about things and he's patient to wait and perhaps, we'll try to formally introduce him to my parents (past experience: one of my guy friends wanted to meet up for lunch and so I just introduced him to my parents, and they fell in love with him, so I'm kinda hoping this might happen for this guy). But the thing is, I have a paranoia of how they'll react at this point. they seem to have this idea that everytime I go out or anything for that matter, that I might end up kidnapped, rapped or killed. Its really affecting me honestly, because I'm having this fear where the moment I do something like introducing a guy to them, they would just straight away reject or say no or don't even listen to what I have to say. I want them to be aware of whats happening like if I'm seeing a guy, I want them to know. I want them to be aware of it at least. But its hard for me to tell them because of how they've reacted to my brother and I before. I'm not exactly sure what to do and I'm really sorry if this sound childish or a rant or something mean about my parents. But I get it, they wanna protect me and stuff, but their "protection" is really suffocating because they're not loosening their grip on me. My dad's sister (my aunt) also noticed that my parents' grip on both me and my brother is really tight in the sense that it pushes both of us to not want my parents involved in our social lives or anything. She asked me how am I ever gonna find a boyfriend and I said to her I don't. which is fairly true. At the rate that I'm going and how my parents control or block me in every way, I might just end up alone. Yes I am 19, but they don't care what the age means. Even if I show every level of maturity, somehow they don't see it. I passed on opportunities because of them, I let go of the opportunity to be in a good uni in the uk, because they didn't want me studying out of London. So I had to return home. Frustrates me. and I have no idea what to do or how to deal with it. Sometimes I find myself crying over it, because its very suffocating. One of the reasons why my brother is rarely at home. So please help me. (BTW, I'm chinese and well, asian parents things I suppose and theres a huge generation gap between my parents and i. so might be a factor too.)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2018): If your 19. Simple just move out. Go live with a friend. Sounds like they don't want to cut the umbilical cord. Your pass 18 already. I would hate living with my parents. I can't. I left at 21. They are overprotective and care but from afar.
They let me have my own life. Sorry you have to go through this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2018): Hi I posted this question.. I forgot to add that all these years, I DO listen to everything they say. Honestly, I let them just control everything. Literally I can’t even emphasise enough that I let them tell me what to do and all. And now I just want them to loosen up. And just so you all know, my aunts already know what they are like. A situation that occurred recently that happen to bring up the topic, that’s when I just told them a few things. Plus I don’t have anybody else to talk to to relieve the weight. And my other aunt, she also knows how my parents are like as she’s always lived with us whenever she’s back in Malaysia. Also she took care of me when I was in uk for a foundation course, she realise how my parents function as They were constantly checking up which is normal. But there was an occasion that I had a dinner party for celebrating the end of the school year, they called and pushed my aunt and kept asking me to hurry up when we haven’t even eaten which caused me to panic, no idea why. So from then on, my aunt understood my parents personality and all. Btw I Don’t live near the border to Thailand, in fact I live far from it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): Your teachers and professors don't allow you to grade your own papers and decide your own assignments.
They dictate their lessons; and they decide your grades, or if you'll pass their courses.
Why shouldn't your parents decide when you are ready to take on more responsibility and graduate to your independence?
They gave you life, and know you inside and out. They feel a powerful responsibility for protecting you; until you can do it on your own. If only you'd read some of the posts from young people who parents don't care what happens to them. They wouldn't spit water on them, if they were on fire!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): I identified the flag above your post as the country of Malaysia. I guess culture and old-tradition make them a little old-school and over-protective. Your country shares a border with Thailand, which is undergoing a bit of political upheaval.
The closer you live to the border, the more vulnerable your citizens are to spillover from radical groups, thugs, and drug gangs. Your parents watch the news; so they maintain a very strong grip. Thinking they're being protective. If they're Chinese immigrants living in Malaysia; they are sticking close to their heritage and traditions.
Your country is bordered by other countries known for human-trafficking, drug-trafficking, and kidnapping. Political-outbreaks and protests occurred due to corruption in your government, when your parents were around your age.
So parents of daughters and young boys are going to be especially vigilant and on high alert. They have to make sure you don't get caught-up with the wrong groups. You have very strict laws in Malaysia. Your youth doesn't make them any less lenient. So parents must be strict to keep you out of trouble.
Stop comparing your parents to others. Other parents have no right to criticize yours; and you have no right to be reporting your parents. Disclosing your family-business to your aunts and uncles or cousins. They aren't abusing you! You're female, and outside your home is a whole different world. If you get yourself into trouble, are those other parents responsible for getting you out? They've got their own kids to worry about.
Knowing times that weren't as good as they are now; maybe your parents are more streetwise than you. You're a good young girl. What do you expect them to do when you're away from home on your own for the first time? You've never lived away from home before.
I pickup quite a bit about your personality in your post. Most of it says you're a strong young woman. Confident and bright. You're also stubborn and rebellious; so they don't trust you. You're too young and inexperienced to insist on full-independence. Just from the length of your post; it can be determined how headstrong you are.
You're just not old enough!
Do you earn your own money, pay your own bills, and have your own apartment? Or do they pay for everything? There are druggies, party-people, and young thugs just waiting to get their greasy-hands on innocent naive young girls or boys!
Letting go is a process. It takes parents time to get used to you growing-up, living out of reach, and on your own. If they notice things in you that seem irresponsible, if you show poor-judgement, and display resistance to everything they try to teach you; they will tighten the reigns. The more you rebel; the more they will stiffen control and impose restrictions.
Maybe they've seen a few terrible things happen to girls your age. They grew up when things were much different. They might be a little traumatized from the past; when times were not so economically stable, and your system of government and law-enforcement wasn't as it is now.
They have to adjust to the 21st-century and grown-children in a highly-technological world. They will automatically loosen their grip the closer you get to 21; and when you show less resistance to their wisdom and guidance. Parents are harder on their kids who don't listen. The ones so quick to grow-up; but don't have enough experience and good-judgment to back it up!
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A
female
reader, SilverAngel  +, writes (1 February 2018):
Gain your parents trust by listening to their warnings and discuss and agree how to handle troubling situations. Crash and kidnap is possible. Discuss how you can remain in your car with doors locked as you call police and wait for them to arrive. With all their worries discuss how things may be handled as you need to learn safety tips for the future. Let them know you respect the potential dangers of the world and take them seriously. They need to see your strength. Take a kickboxing class or a self defense course that will give you strength beyond your physical size. Become safety aware so that your parents trust that you will be safe. It is clear they are protecting their precious daughter. You’ve got to get strong and wise to protect yourself in the world. When you are safety savvy they will feel better.
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