A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for 18 months (46) after a string of failed relationships over the last few years. Before that I was bringing up my child as a single parent so didnt bother dating. My bf is hard working, loyal, trustworthy and has a good sense of humour. There is no jealousy and I have my freedom to see friends. He has given up smoking and cut back on his drinking which both bothered me for the sake of his health. It hasn't been easy as he has 50% custody but his children are lovely so I can take that in my stride.My problem is I don't seem to be able to connect at a deep level emotionally with him. He was brought up not to express emotion and sees them as a waste of time. I was brought up in a similar environment but am told am warm kind, and giving. No one is perfect and yes he's a bloke. He has lovely qualities but most of our discussions seem to focus back on him and his work and children. I have gently pointed that out as I prefer open communication but always praise him for the things he does for me.On a work course it was suggested he needs to focus on his listening skills as they are lacking. He said it's just the way he is He will ask basic questions but not follow things up. He would not consider couple counselling which is fair enoughI have got used to his ways. We are all different. I also love touch and intimacy but for him holding hands isnot his favourite thing and he prefers to keep physical affection between the sheets.I'm not getting any younger. I have my good and bad points but I'm independent financially and have lovely friends and a good life. I'm just not sure this is enough for me. I feel lonely in this relationship. I've tried talking to him and things improve temporarily but then go back. His texts are very brief and he doesn't like chatting on the phone inbetween meeting. We see each other for long weekends.Thank you for any helpful advice. I'm great at giving support but have a block knowing when to stay and when to leave a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2018): It's OP here. Thank you so much for your beautifully written reply Wiseowl. You have incredible insight. So much of what you said resonated with how I feel. I keep trying in this relationship but can't paddle this boat alone so maybe time to jump ship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): [EDIT]:
"If a problem becomes a lingering frustration due to your partner's inability to make an equal contribution and effort to make it work."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): You seem to be a very level-headed, open-minded, secure, and mature person. Your post clearly shows you know exactly what you want and need in a relationship. The problem is, he doesn't seem to possess the qualities and traits you truly need. It's a struggle for him. It's so bad, it even hampers his work-performance.
Although he is a lovely man; it isn't your responsibility to fix or change him. He doesn't value the relationship enough to be consistent about making changes to improve it. That's an unfortunate deal-breaker. You deserve better.
When we're older, we're more set in our ways. We shouldn't be resistant to change and self-improvement. That's a major character-flaw. It extends from his relationship with you to his job. Not a good prognosis for a relationship.
After a series of failed-relationships; you learn a thing or two about yourself. You also learn something about men. You can't fault everything on others; the fact you're present in that relationship and you invited him into your life, also gives you responsibility for your choices and judgement.
Don't settle. Nor should you consider it a failure, if he doesn't seem to satisfy your most important needs. He's a great guy, but the glue that holds the relationship together is trust and open-communication. You/we must have both.
Couples-counseling is fine; but he has to be committed to make a change he knows is essential to maintaining and sustaining the relationship. The counseling may open a channel in communication; but it will not change his personality, nor make him a suitable match. Counseling doesn't fix people; it's meant to keep them together while they fix themselves.
The block you feel may come from fear you're making a mistake by letting go. You must assess the relationship and weigh the pros and cons. There are problems in all relationships; some harder to resolve than others.
If a problem becomes a lingering frustration due to your partner's inability to make a equal contribution and effort to make it work. That's incompatibility. You're a team, and teams work in unison. You can hit a snag and it falters; but it's working when the problem can be readjusted and resolved for good. Then things run smooth again. If it keeps breaking, then it cannot be fixed. That is when it is time to let go.
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