A
female
age
36-40,
*eeda
writes:Dear all agony aunts and uncles. I don't know if you will understand my problem but I seriously need some help. I am 25 (getting old, as it is said in our country). I am not into any steady relationship. There are a few guys but they are as good as not there. None of them is serious as far as I am concerned. My parents expect me to get married. They are ready to take the pain of finding me a groom and helping me get married. (It is very common in our country. It is called arranged marriage) I have just started working and I am not sure if I want to get married. People around me are getting married everyday and that sometimes make me think that maybe I too should tie the knot soon. Also, sex outside of marriage attracts bad name so marriage doesn't seem all that bad. But then, all my life I have known guys who have used me in the worst possible ways and dumped me at worst possible times. I have been duped, ditched and made a fool of, all my life. The condition is such that I feel that men are useful for just one thing otherwise I should stay away from them in order o be alive, hale and hearty. Also, the idea of marrying a complete stranger freaks me out. It is not usually so with us Indian girls. I feel terrible whenever I think of these things. so, please tell me what all I can do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deeda +, writes (24 April 2012):
deeda is verified as being by the original poster of the question I am really thankful to all those who took time to answer. So far U have been very helpful. Thank U guys
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): OK iam an indian girl and perfectly understand your position
so you need to be clear about two issues first : 1.Do you want to get married now ?? 2.Do you prefer a love marriage or an arranged marriage ..
If you would like to concentrate on your career for the time being ,i think its wiser if you tell your parents that.. I know in india societal pressures run a bit high and parents might be tempted to marry their kids at the "right" age .. But times are changing there too .. I've seen so many women living in india who get married at 28-29 comfortably these days (they got brilliant alliances ,for a fact !!)..Do try convincing your parents that your happiness matter more than anything and that you need some time to establish yourself before you can settle down..
Next comes the question of your marriage when you are ready for it .. You have stated that so far your relationships have eroded whatever faith that you have had in men , so why not ask your parents to step in and find an alliance for you when you are ready ... Iam not saying that you should marry the first man that your parents choose .. You are always free to say no to an alliance that you are not ok with .. Further you can also make enquiries about the prospective guy as much as possible in an arranged marriage before you actually start courting him.. if your enquiries leave you unimpressed you can always say no without hurting yourself in the process.. This is one advantage in an arranged marriage.. (Iam not forcing you to choose arranged marriage , iam just trying help you get over the fear of marrying a complete stranger) .. you can also ensure that there is a 6 month gap between the engagement and marriage , when you choose a guy in order to know him better..
Or if you would like to choose your own life partner ,categorically state it to your parents. They would probably not agree with you in the beginning and would prefer to bow down to societal pressures but iam sure you can still put your foot down(trust me iam an indian girl and i know how you feel).. Nobody can force you to do anything especially if you are financially independent .. Hope this answers your doubts ..
All the best !! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): I understand where you are coming from , im indian too.
I think you should sit down and explain to your parents how you feel. Chances are they won't like it much however they have to take your opinion into consideration.
Not all guys are idiots, you do get nice ones so dont be so negative on that.
hope this helps! x
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