A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. This is not exactly a relationship question, more so a divorce question.My parents have been having problems for about 4 years. My dad has changed, doesn't treat her like he loves her, and has been borderline emotionally abusive towards her.Here's some information relating to the situation. They've been together since my mom was 15, and my dad was 19. My mom dropped out of high school, and was mainly a waitress, my dad has always been the main supporter of the family, she doesn't work now, and hasn't worked for years. They've been together for about 20-30 years, Married for 16.Like I said, my mom stays at home and takes care of me and my sister. My sister is disabled, she has autism, she's not high functioning, and needs care. She cooks, cleans, takes care of us. My dad, he works in another province, he usually has his own apartment, or is staying somewhere else, and comes how about once a week, or once every two weeks. We live pretty comfortably.I'm estranged from my Father, we used to be best buddies, but then suddenly he changed, and started treating my mom differently. She'd cry and tell him her problems and he'd laugh. After awhile it stopped, but things were never the same, they never really had what they had after that. My dad doesn't particularly care for my mother, and he finds my sister an annoyance. He didn't used to be like this.Things finally broke though, and they're headed for divorce. I'm worried how we'll do financially. Does anyone know about this? I'm just scared we'll be completely broke, and that's the last stress we need.Thanks for any Advice and information.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 I am so impressed with your level of thought and compassion that you have for your Mother and sister.
Your family is very lucky to have you.
You can be an encouragement to your Mom and help your Mom find information where she can get financial assistance as she recontstructs her life and the family. Let your Mom work out the details with the lawyers.Make sure you are taking responsibility for yourself-focus on your studies, help with your sister's care if you can, and let your Mom know you care.
One thing you need to be aware of and cautious of..is your Mom turning to you for emotional companionship. Do not let her lean on you too hard to pour out her heart and problems, if she does, please encourage her to get professional help to help her process her grief. It would be unfair to lean on you-she is the parent, not you.
When I got divorced and told our kids, they cried and asked "Why can things just not be NORMAL?". They were worried and stressed too.
I told them that things were not going to go back to the OLD NORMAL. We would find a new normal. There would be change and challenges, but in the NEW NORMAL, we would find peace and happiness.
You will find your new normal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. Sadly I can't build a relationship with my father, I honestly hold no love for him after what he's done to my mother.
He's been working out of town for most my life, and watching him emotionally abuse my mother has made me despise him.
The fact that he thinks he can just do this to us, is disgusting.
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A
male
reader, starguy +, writes (24 August 2011):
You can get Food Stamps from the Department of Children and Family Services... anyone can, irregardless of age... usually they give you a card, and for each family member you'll get about $200 credit in food. So for a family of 3, you'd get $600 a month (or thereabouts) in Food Stamps. Its plenty to live on, if you don't go crazy and be wasteful.
What you need to worry about, is saving all the money you can for gas for the car, to fetch groceries, and to cut down your electric usage as much as possible. If you own your own home, it will be a lot easier, as you won't have to pay rent, which is a major drain on savings. If you do rent, try and move into as cheap a place as possible.
Someone may have to get a job at a retail store, so you at least have money for the basics. Just because you have a job, doesn't mean your foodstamps end... if you don't make more than $1,xxx a month... and for supporting a family of three, that number may be higher. It varies by state.
Eliminate any expenses for anything else. No buying any food other than with the food stamp card. Gas for the car to get groceries, and electricity, and that is it. Slash everything else out, except maybe the basics, toilet paper, shampoo, tooth paste, detergent. In some places you can get electric assistance, ie, $350 per year applied to your electric bill, but that's getting tighter and scarcer with the current economic depression.
You're dad may have met another woman and maybe he has grown tired or felt emotionally strangled by supporting a family (I'm speculating), and is simply trying to pick fights or find excuses to break up so he can cut ties and live in some new life he's built elsewhere unbeknownst to your knowlege. Twenty to thirty years is a long time to be together... people grow tired of each other... a lot of relationships don't even make it past 2-3 years, let alone 20-30. Do not fault your dad, be thankful for what he's done for you, and try and find out about his new life but let him know its okay... so you don't lose him completely... and mostly so... he'll know, he doesn't have to act like a jerk to end things, there is a better way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): I'm so sorry to hear about this situation you're in, and the worry you're going through. It sounds like your parents were pretty much living separate lives for a long time and that in recent years is when their relationship deteriorated drastically. I know it's tempting to blame your father because he's the one whose behavior has changed that you're aware of, but I would urge you to try not to blame him too much, you don't know what has gone on between your parents, all these years that they were keeping from you, like maybe your mother was unfair to him too. It is also especially hard if the spouses really don't want to be together anymore but are trapped with each other because of joint responsibilities (financial, children) so they continue to stay together and thus the relationship continues to deteriorate until one or both of them "snap" and really awful behavior surfaces like emotional abuse.
I'm not sure about divorce laws in your country, but if it's similar to in the US, when your parents divorce your father will be court-ordered to pay your mother every month for child support and alimony. The amount of the monthly payments is something to be decided by the lawyers and judge, and there are a lot of factors in it. The courts, when deciding how much child support and alimony, do take into account the fact that the wife (your mother) is not working outside the home, and has not worked for many years so your father would be paying her more than if she had been working outside the home as well.
Don't worry, the financial arrangements are between your parents and their lawyers, I'm sure things will turn out OK. Just be there for your mom and sister, and try to continue building a relationship with your father.
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