A
female
age
36-40,
*b841214
writes:hi i wondered if someone can help me.i feel as im now going insanei have been with my boyfriend now for 8 years (on and off) and at ever since this year i have been going through a major paranoia frenzy.me and my bf meet at 14 and it was young.well basically we both werent angels, we both when we were younger were insecure and crave attention, but we still went back to one and other.well in 2005 he did tell me that someone else was interested in him and he was confussed because all we seem to do was argue. well he ended up getting with this other girl. i was heartbroken. i assume this was it so i change my number and thought i had to get on with it.after 3 weeks he rung me and said he werent happy and relise he made a mistake. wel we ended up given it another go, but the following year, he was going to cyprus for 4 months to work out there to discover him!!!! well he went out there and for one week i went over to see him.we had a great time, but i found stuff out, so when i came back home i finish and we didnt speak for a month.he ended up emailing, saying while he been out there, he had alot of time to think and now he relise what he wants in life and its me. when he came back i could see that he had change, he werent 100% there, but it was alot better. at that time too, i had change. getting attention didnt bother me as much.well last year, i ended up finding his email password and i look on them. i found out that every now and then he email the girl he left me for (bearing in mind he said they werent in contact).it werent nothing to worry about just small talk.i ask him about this (i made out he left he email on my comouter open) he was like he didnt tell me because he knows how i react to things.well over the last year, we have got a lot closer, much more commited. we never go out with our friends now and we wont to be with eachother all the time.we enjoy eachothers company.he has been very down in his job lately and in march he got a new job working in an office. at the end of the day i should be please for my bf, but instead i get worried that his going to meet someone there.he is so much more happy now.he getting on with his carer.but my problem is i assume that he is happy because he likes someone at work.its got to the point now when i speak to him on his lunch, i always find myself questioning becaus ei dont believe his on lunch on his own. he has told me to sort my paranoia out. he only wants me, but he says he cant win with me, because what ever his says i dont believe him. i know he has change i really do, i know he wouldnt do anything to hurt me now.but my sub conciuos mind is telling em different.i never use to be like this and i feel now that everytime i speak to him, i be horrible to him,because i think of things in my head and take it out on him.he has said im oushing him away and i know i am, but when i try to think positive and what we have got, my mind is then ruled by negativity.its got to the point now, where when he comes home and because he is happy now, he wants sex alot more (because when we argue and have been down, we havent had it much!!)i assume he wants sex alot more, because someone at his office turns him on!!sounds crazy when i say it, but i can feel me losing something i love so much.we both have this connection and he says im his bestfriend and his mine.i think where his secure in his self, he not bothered.all he wants is to have the perfect r.ship and he says he wants it with me.i must be worth something i guess, coz the amount of crap i ask hima nd nagg to him, his still there. please can someone help me!!!i feel as if im losing the plot and my head is going to explode with all these thought!.thanks for taking the time to read
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is all you can do..
You did well today, even with everything that's gone on. You've tried to think positive, and you've been aware when you've lost your grip. Try and do something nice for you. I think you deseve to treat yourself to a reward for trying to be strong about this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is all you can do..
You did well today, even with everything that's gone on. You've tried to think positive, and you've been aware when you've lost your grip. Try and do something nice for you. I think you deseve to treat yourself to a reward for trying to be strong about this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is all you can do..
You did well today, even with everything that's gone on. You've tried to think positive, and you've been aware when you've lost your grip. Try and do something nice for you. I think you deseve to treat yourself to a reward for trying to be strong about this.
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female
reader, cb841214 +, writes (22 May 2008):
cb841214 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i feel crap at the mo, but i think maybe we need our space. if where meant to ne, i guess it will
i was fine this morning, i was kinda happy, trained my mind to think positive, then bam...one thought at work and then im change. then it comes to me on lunch, and as he was out of lunch late and rung late, i was screwing thinking he was with someone and lying to me and he just said me and you are over. he has said that many of times and comes back and says he wants to help, but dont think he can support me. its going to be hard, but i guess i should stay strong and help myself.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I'm sorry, this is what I didn't want to happen. It's not your fault, you brain's just wired up a little funny at the moment cause of all the things that have gone on.
He still love you, you know this... He's leaving because he cares. He thinks he's making things worse, so he's going off, to give you the space to get better.
I'm sorry babes, but this changes nothing. Only you won't be able to hold him or cuddle him and have his support. You still have you work to do, you still have to get better. You still have to lick this thing, whether he's there or not.
I know you probably feel like shit, and I'm sure he dose too, but we're both counting on you to beat this thing and get stronger and happier for you.
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female
reader, cb841214 +, writes (22 May 2008):
cb841214 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontoday my boyfriend has split up with me. his says im doing his head in. he werent that nice about it, but hey i cant blame him. i have driven him to that. i know his loves me, and i know what his like. he will miss me. he said to me to leave him alone. im going to have to be strong and do what his wishes. just hope in time he can come round and support me.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): A shock at work, some family, relationship and self esteem stuff, bad childhood. Who knows... stuff and stuff and more stuff. Who cares. Pondering on this type of stuff is useless and counterproductive. (It dosen't help)
You did real good, tracking down information on your condition. And it is a real condition here in the UK, and recognised by the health profession. Anxiety can ruin your life and your mental well being. Doctors here offer CBT (and sometimes medication) to deal with the levels of panic your feeling.
CBT otherwise known as Congnative Behavioural Therapy, tries to retrain your mind to think right, it helps you challenge all this negative talk your doing, it helps stop you beating up on yourself. One useful technique is to say STOP.....
"He's got a party to go to, he'll meet somebody there and then he'll leave me, I'll be all alone, and nobody will ever talk to me again, and people will point at me, and life will be terrible, and I'm horrible, so I should just leave him now, but it's too difficult, so I'll just push him away, I'll treat him bad, so he'll find somebody else and they'll get married and have kids, and I'll be alone".......... Rinse, cycle and Repeat.
That's a lot of assumptions, half guesses, faulty logic, stuff and nonsense going on in there. You need to stop this. Just say it, STOP! I'M NOT LISTENING... ALL THIS STUFF IS TOTAL RUBBISH.... You need to control your brain, not allow it to frighten the hell out of you with it's made up stories. Book an appointment to see your GP, tell them how bad it gets, how bad it makes you feel. They can help. They helped me..... (when I remember to take those darn little tablets)
Anyway, everything will be OK about the party. Relax, don't hold on so tight. Take care of you.
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female
reader, cb841214 +, writes (21 May 2008):
cb841214 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondid anything happen to get you to start feeling like that.
i have book an appointment to see my doctor next week, so hopefully thats a start.
i have join the library and have got some self help book out
that website you have given me, i have found very interesting and have even purchase the book.
i know i am at rock bottom at the moment, but i be honest i dont think my boyfiends patient enough to help, because he certainly dont understand?
do you think it may be wise for me to end it if i am giving myself this grief? im getting worried that now he has been ask to a couple of work leaving dos, that it may be an escape to meet someone. he said he wont go to the one this week, out of respect for me, but he will have to show his face for the next week. i have ask him if his enjoys my company and everything else is great in our life, so i cant see why he want to go with someone else.but they do say the more you go on, you may push them.i just have got to learn to trust again and be the person he loves.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): You need to see a counsellor. You feel bad about yourself, and your dumping these feelings on your boyfriend. You hate yourself, so you think he must too.
Yes, my boyfriend left because of this. After 8years he couldn't take it anymore. I lost my job, I lost the man who I loved. He still loves me, he paid all my bills for a year after he left. He loved me, but after 18 years he left, because he couldn't cope, I was making him as sick as me. He now lives with someone else, but we stay in touch. I wouldn't like this to happen to you.
If you continue like this your boyfriend will start to avoid you and seek other people to be with and have fun with. You need to see a counsellor. Stop putting yourself down, stop clinging to people. You are perfect just the way you are, learn to love and accept yourself. Stop bothering you boyfriend and start working on you. http://www.womensselfesteem.com/self_esteem_information.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): You need to see a counsellor. You feel bad about yourself, and your dumping these feelings on your boyfriend. You hate yourself, so you think he must too.
Yes, my boyfriend left because of this. After 8years he couldn't take it anymore. I lost my job, I lost the man who I loved. He still loves me, he paid all my bills for a year after he left. He loved me, but after 18 years he left, because he couldn't cope, I was making him as sick as me. He now lives with someone else, but we stay in touch. I wouldn't like this to happen to you.
If you continue like this your boyfriend will start to avoid you and seek other people to be with and have fun with. You need to see a counsellor. Stop putting yourself down, stop clinging to people. You are perfect just the way you are, learn to love and accept yourself. Stop bothering you boyfriend and start working on you. http://www.womensselfesteem.com/self_esteem_information.html
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female
reader, cb841214 +, writes (19 May 2008):
cb841214 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks ever so for that.
i think your right i am trying to hard?
you mention your ex is now your ex? was that due to how you were?
me and my bf had a huge agruement on friday, he said to me his never going to get out and he was so argue how i never believe him and ihe got to go over and over the same bits with me.
i know he loves me, but i think im dragging him down.
i dont believe a word now.i hate it, because i use to look forward to seeing my bf and now i get scared because of how im going to be.
it has just said to me that he going to his mates to watch footie on wed, and you know what......i dont believe him....i think he meeting someone to start up sank at his work. i get worried that he staying with me because his feeling guilt for leaving me. one minute his like you cant change and then the next his like i know you can do it. i just hope he dont give me false hope and i end up changing a bit and then he leaves me and i would have put all that effort in for nothing
im so hurting, i hate feeling like this. i was thinking of seeing a threapist. i wonder if it a case of ocd?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): Part two....
You should find that you can't forget about Santa Claus no matter how hard you try. You keep seeing him in the bloody red hat and boots.
That's the secret. Your trying to hard. The more you try to have confidence in yourself and your partner the more doubts keep croping up, filling your mind and taking over.
Unfortunately that's how the mind works. http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_worrying_thoughts.html
You've been through a lot lately, your boyfriend left, your frightened he may leave again. Although you love and trust him, you remember the last time and your worried it might happen again. Then you tell yourself it will happen again, because you can't stop worrying and that makes your partner unhappy, so he will leave you... Rinse, cycle and repeat over and over again. The more you try to stop the worse it gets.
Right. Now this time we're gonna think about your guy, but we're not gonna think about him leaving. We're gonna imagine him on his wedding day. He sure looks fine in his new suit, so handsome. And look he's happy (a bit nervous) but he's smiling. Hell he can't stop smiling. I can see him, he's almost dancing. He's getting married.
But who's the bride.. yep, I can see her... Hey she's pretty, she kinda looks like you. But somethings different.. Ah, she's smiling, I think she dancing, she's got a twinkle in her eye.
I hope you understand..Don't try to stop thinking about the bad things (it makes things worse) replace bad thoughts with something you really like. Your first kiss, how he smells in the morning, whatever turns you on....
Bad thoughts happen, your worried, things went bad before, we know that and we accept that. But good things also happen.. So those are the things we prefer to think about.
Your self confidence is shot to pieces (like me) I'm going to a counsellor for help to keep your thoughts under control. I think you should too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): You gotta get this sorted out right now. I did the same with my ex.. Get it, he's now my ex. I wouldn't like this to happen to you. I know your trying, your boyfriend knows your trying, but as you say, you can't control the negativity that's taking over your life. I understand, I really do, seen the film, bought the t-shirt, struggle with the same feelngs every day.
I know these feelings are freaking you out, and I'm gonna try to show you what's going on. Can you do something for me....
TAKE A DEEP BREATH IN..... THEN LET IT OUT........
I want you to imagine Santa Claus in a red suit and hat. I want you to imagine him very clearly, riding through the snow, in his red hat and boots.... Can you see him.
NOW: I want you to forget about Santa Claus. I don't want you to think about Santa Claus. I want you to think about anything but Santa Claus for five minutes.......
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