A
male
age
30-35,
*uitarcoffeecigarettes
writes:So, my girlfriend and i have been together for about 2 years, because of her age and my age we never told our family the truth...that and we live a thousand miles a part and have only gotten to see each other twice.Well a month ago my girlfriend mentioned how she is still young and never got to do things she's always wanted and she talked about sleeping with a girl i told her that i'd never want her to do that without me or with someone she didn't know was clean well the next day said she was going to go to bed *not on skype* she seemed distant.we normally sleep together on skype but i trust her so i go to sleep, i wake up the next morning and she tells me she slept with a girl *a friend of the family* my girlfriend started to cry and i asked her what happened and she said *they were both drunk she wasn't very drunk but the other girl was pretty drunk* and she let this girl finger her *sorry for my language* well she told me she couldn't get wet she tried thinking of me and nothing worked and this girl bit her and left marks on her arm and neck...My girlfriend began crying and said she was sorry she said she ruined our relationship and that things would never be the same so she was going to kill herself, the only thing that kept her from doing it was the fact i told her to look at me on camera i begged her.. i asked her why she did it and she said she doesn't know and i could never understand why she would do that but she told me she didn't know i brought it up a couple of times and she cried not long ago and said she knew it'd never be fixed and that it hurts her everyday because of what she did and she cried heart broken she honestly seemed heart broken. i just need some clarity or someone to talk to i have no one to talk to about this.
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cheated on me, drunk Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Cheating is not something you do by mistake. It is something you do by choice. If you want to accept that then that is also your choice. But for me it would be a deal breaker. What age is this girl? Have you met her before?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Sure, people make mistakes. She is young and will probably make more mistakes down the road. And you might make some too.
For me, though, cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice. Regardless of age. And for me, it's a total deal-breaker.
Being drunk isn't an excuse. While it IS true that most people make bad choices while drunk, I have yet to see someone thinking cheating is suddenly not a big deal because they are drunk.
It might be different for you. You might be able to forgive and put it in the past, and you may find in 6 months time that you can't.
You are both young and it seems to me that you want to "rescue" her from her life. Her upbringing is quite possible why she isn't the best at making choices that CAN affect her long term.
No one here has a crystal ball and can tell you it will all be fine OR not. Time will tell.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Of course it's possible it was a mistake, but whether it was or not she still cheated on you.
If you're okay with that then fair enough.
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A
male
reader, guitarcoffeecigarettes +, writes (22 November 2016):
guitarcoffeecigarettes is verified as being by the original poster of the question*sorry if this get's posted twice i didn't know i wasn't logged in.*
We ended up telling our family about each other and they all took it really well, i'm going up there in January to spend time with her, i think that the distance and her being younger made her do it but she honestly tells me everything, we don't lie to each other. do you think that it's possible what she did was a mistake and she won't do it again or am i playing with fire? I get these feelings sometimes where i question it but other times where i feel completely fine i honestly love her and i know she loves me too. she told me that the girl *because she lives in the house* pretends nothing happens and that she brings a guy over who she says is "just a friend" and the girl moves away when the guy is over but tries to get close to her when he's gone, she told me that she moved away from the girl *being childish she said* and that she want's nothing to do with that girl because she loves me I know she wouldn't be able to keep secrets like that from me without showing guilt and she always seems happy with me, i mean she gets sad at times because of her dad is a drunk and her mom is a druggy and i want nothing for the best for this girl what do you think? i mean in the end i'm staying with her because i trust her but i get these moments where my mind and chest feel off.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (22 November 2016):
I don't think what she did was right at all by sleeping with this friend of the family at all even when you told her nor to do it without you. She was only acting incredibly immature when she did it when she and the friend were pretty drunk at 5he time. And the while drama of wanting to kill herself so you would let her off the hook so you won't be angry at her. Like what honeypie said. The girl nerds to do some serious growing up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2016):
I agree with Denizen
Let her go, she has a LOT of maturing and growing to do. You KNEW she wanted to be with a girl and well, she did it REGARDLESS of having this online "relationship" with you. Why did she do it? Because she WANTED to and she had the opportunity.
Now all those tears might be because it didn't turn out as she has fantasized it would more than because she hurt you. The guilt came after. Had it been a positive experience she might not have told you at all.
2 years and 1,000 miles away + it's a "secret relationship" it all adds up to not going to last. Eventually, either of you wanted something more - something physical. And it was her who went for it first.
While it FEELS like you two have GREAT emotions etc. IT IS NOT at all like a relationship where you can spend a lot of time together in person. Sleeping together on Skype, well it sounds cute and all but it REALLY doesn't compare to the reality of having the person you like/love right next to you.
And then you have this immature girl who after having cheated on you... uses emotional blackmail so you will feel SORRY for her instead of angry with her. The whole drama-llama "I will kill myself" is ridiculous. She isn't Juliet and you are not Romeo. It just shows how young and immature SHE is.
Sounds to me that she "mentioned," this whole "trying to be with a girl" a month ago to gauge how you felt. IT DIDN'T STOP her when you told her not to do it. Did it?
An LDR with no end in sight - that being an LDR turning into a Relationship two people being TOGETHER in the SAME physical location, realistically PLANS to be together - they fizzle out eventually. Because what you have is a glorified pen-pal ship, that FEELS real but is missing the MAJOR component of physical touch and just being FACE to FACE. I get that an LDR/online relationship can feel safer than one in person, it can FEEL real, but it IS more of a fantasy. Think about it. HOW often have the words - "I wish" or "wouldn't it be awesome if..." A WHOLE lot of "roleplay or fantasies" shared.
She needs to grow up. And you? You need to let her. Find someone closer to your own age, someone you can spend time with IN person, someone you don't have to "hide" from family and friends. Someone who's hand you can hold, eyes you can REALLY look into and NOT through a screen.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
Dude, if this is an online relationship I'm assuming you've never been in person with this girl? Never hugged her or kissed her? So to me this is more like a friendship. You can't have a relationship without a physical side.
Think over the course of the past 2 years how many potential gfs you can actually spend time with that you've overlooked to message someone online.
You need to find someone local to you that you can experience a real relationship with, not an online chat with someone. How could that possibly compete with being able to hug, kiss and have sex. Not even just that, the fact you can see their mannerisms and personality first hand.
Keep the online stuff as friendships only.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (21 November 2016):
 It is a shock when people don't turn out to be who you thought they were. She told you she wanted to experiment with another girl and you tried to forbid her. It's tough.
But you know what you want? You want a girlfriend you can hold and talk to face to face; someone you can kiss and share experiences.
Your friend on line was just that - a friend - on line. When you are with a person, not online, a hormone is released called oxytocin. It is called the love hormone. It promotes trust and empathy. You don't get that from a VDU.
Find a real life girl in your area and stop pretending. Get a real girl in real time and keep your friend as that - a friend.
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