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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My older sister is trying to ruin my life. She was engaged to this one guy who was a pretty nice guy I thought but he caught her cheating on him. He actually caught them in a sex act. Not intending to be so graphic but my sister is a real b-i-t-c-h. She was giving the guy a blow job and she told her fiance that he would have to wait til they got married. Real nice huh? She was engaged before and she was getting all the attention but since all this happened my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes! Now she is very jealous and I found out that she told my fiance that I have a very promiscuous past. That's a big fat lie. I have only been with him. I also told him that he should have come to me and asked me about instead of asking one of my friends. Very angry with him over that but it's a minor thing. I had asked my sister to be my maid on honor but now there is no way. I don't care that she's my sister either. I don't even want her there. The problem is my dad. He isn't going to pay for the wedding if I don't at least invite her. She has been going around behind my back and spreading rumors about me and when I confronted her she lied but I have several reliable people that have told me that I cheated with her ex-fiance. There is a picture of me kissing him ON THE CHEEK when I found out they were engaged. I told him welcome to the family. I just thought he was a nice guy. Nothing ever happened between us. I am so upset now and the wedding is in one month. I am thinking about running away to get married. It looks like either way she wins. I never knew it was a contest. I want my family there. I want my grandparents there but she is ruining everything. So I want to know what I should do. Should I tell my dad I'm getting married one way or another and that there is no way jealous sister is coming? She will find some way to ruin it or should we run away to get married. I HATE MY SISTER
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): Tisha1 I read what you said and it helped calm me down a bit. I did talk to my dad and I let him know just how upset I have been. He promised me that he would make sure my sister is on her best behaviour. So I'm going to invite her after all. I think she has just been making me upset on purpose which is something she has gotten very good at over the years. I don't expect everything to be perfect but I do believe it will be so close to perfect that it won't matter because I have found my soulmate to share that day with. I refuse to allow anything or anyone to ruin my wedding. So thinks and I am somewhat calmer but still a little nervous.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Okay, thanks for the follow up. I'm going to give you a little reality check, I want to point out that your expectations as a bride might be unrealistic.
"I just wanted everything to be perfect." I know every bride wants a perfect day. I expect most of them are disappointed in some way, something almost always goes wrong. I want to see that you have some flexibility and understanding that stuff happens. Florist uses the wrong color rose. The caterer locks the cake in their van (happened to me). The waitstaff drops an entire case of beer in the middle of the reception room (happened to me). The cake doesn't show up (happened to a friend of mine). The cleaning staff at the hall starts going around the room before the end of the reception with huge black plastic bags, sweeping stuff off the tables while the guests are still sitting there (happened to a friend of mine).
My point is that the wedding is not going to be perfect. What's important is not the events themselves, but the spirit of the day, the purpose of the day, which is..... drumroll please....... the MARRIAGE. Celebrating the union. It's a celebration, let those of goodwill and love support you and lift you up; push off to the side those that are jealous or poisonous to the spirit of the wedding.
You are getting caught up in her nonsense and you sound like you might be feeding it a bit. She's not getting married, you are, she may be deeply jealous and this is how she acts when she is feeling so left out.
She probably perceives that you are getting all the attention and is looking for some herself, albeit all in the wrong way.
It IS normal to be freaked out, it IS a hugely stressful time. We have all these expectations of the day and I think it's healthier to have a more realistic view of things.
I doubt this is the first time your sister has behaved this way, and I'll wager it won't be the last. What do you expect, that she'll somehow get a personality transplant? You know that's not going to happen. So you have to manage her involvement. Give her something that could be considered very important to do and is okay if it doesn't happen. I don't know, something like a favor for the guests to take home, a little book of poetry or something. Maybe she can plan the hen night, with you having a back up plan just in case. No one will know if she doesn't get it done, and it might keep her occupied for a while. Make her feel as though you do feel close to her and want to rely on her. Give her a RESPONSIBILITY, if you want her to act responsible. Be delighted and appreciative if she comes through. Ignore it if she doesn't, because ultimately, it doesn't matter. The point is that you are getting married to this man. THAT is what you should be focused on, not the color of the bridesmaids shoes. Those details matter so little in the grand scheme of things.
I think a heart-to-heart with your sister is in order. And with your Dad.
I hope this helps settle you down just a bit. Calm, girl, calm. The wedding ceremony will take place. The rest is just details! Don't get sucked into the wedding hype, you will be disappointed, okay? Be realistic, be kind, be firm.
I expect to hear how it went. Let us know! You may have to PM me, as your follow up didn't show as a follow up for me, I just happened to look back at the old questions.
Hugs, congratulations, calmmmmmmmmmnessssssssss to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): Yes it does hurt. It hurts very very bad. I used to look up to her and I always wanted to be like her. Now I see who she really is. I'm wondering if I'm also hormonal now on top of everything else I'm late. It's just stress cause I'm not pregnant. we decided stop having sex a few months ago. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I have talked with my fiance and if it comes down to it his parents are willing to pay for the wedding. I don't want to hurt my dad's feelings but I know he wouldn't let someone else pay for it. I just want my sister to act normal. Is this normal to be so freaked out before you get married? I guess I'm going to have to invite her but I am so scared she is going to do something. As I said before I hate her. I was so happy for her when she was engaged. Why can't she be happy for me? This is not fair.
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A
female
reader, merlyn846 +, writes (27 April 2010):
 So sorry your sister is this way that's too bad =( but I do agree with TISHA-1 try the meeting and if this doesn't work Run away in the end its only u and your fiance that counts nobody else matters as long as you love and have eachother life goes on.... as for your sister some people just don't change so don't count on her for anything ... I know this must hurt when your own blood relative and more a sister does sometthing like this its just not right so sorry =( Good luck with the Wedding
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2010):
She sounds dreadful. The thing I would suggest you do is call her on it, in front of your family. Call a family conference to discuss the wedding. Make it very official and formal, with a file folder in front of you and notepads and pens in front of everyone at the dining room table. Kind of a corporate meeting.
Start by saying you're working on the wedding but that some issues need resolving. Then tell her, as calmly and plainly as you can, that you've heard some rumors being spread about you, that you've heard she's the source and that you would like her to tell people that you and her ex never had anything but a proper and upfront relationship.
This has been causing you distress and you don't wish for bad feelings and rumors to ruin your wedding. You called the family meeting to get all the ugliness out and into the open and you would like to resolve it then and there. Say that you are willing to forgive and forget as long as you have her word that she will never discuss you or your fiance with anyone.
Tell your father that you love him but that you've been contemplating eloping because this has hurt you so deeply. You want nothing better than to have a wedding with all your family and friends there to support you as you embark on your new life. You're feeling devastated and unhappy that you feel as though this may not happen.
Your alternative is to talk to your dad and mother privately about this betrayal by your sister. You do not bring up her cheating or her being a beeyatch. You talk solely about the rumors that she spread and that you know the source was her. You talk about the pain and heartbreak of not being able to trust her, your anger for her badmouthing you.
There may be someone else spreading rumors about you, and that's why she believes you went after her ex.
You have to lower the anger factor and get yourself calmed down. You are sounding hysterical, and most people don't hear what a hysterical person is saying, they only see the emotion displayed. Practice calming breathing and try to focus on getting the information across as clearly and dispassionately as possible. Ooooommmmmmmm. Yoga serenity, okay?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): im so sorry to hear that you dont get along with your sister. but you cant let her get to you. this is your wedding one way or another. its your special day. YOU are the one getting married so YOU are the one who gets to decide who is going. if you feel that your sister will ruin it then dont invite her. tell your dad how you feel. hope this helped! good luck! (:
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