A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was married to a man for about 6 years and we have two daughters together (one 8, one 6). We got divorced a couple of years ago (we weren't getting along, and the divorce was pretty messy). Now, I take care of the kids most of the time, but he has them every other weekend.I'm currently engaged to and living with a new man, and he and I have a child together. (She's 5 months old).My exhusband comes from a very religious family, and I am nonreligious (atheist). While we were together he never went to church or pushed his religion on me, or ever even talked about it at all. He didn't seem to be especially religious and never talked to our children about god or any of that stuff. However a few weeks ago he took our daughters on a trip with his dad (their grand father). They were gone for three weeks.When my daughters came back, they told me that my exhusband (their father) and his dad (their grand father) told them that Me and my current boyfriend are going to hell because we don't believe in god. They have become judgmental and religious over a period of just a few weeks exposure to him, probably because they are at such impressionable ages. But for the past few days they have been hard to control, everything they say is about god, and they look down on me and their soon-to-be stepfather with contempt because we are nonreligious. It is impossible to raise children who don't respect you.I am furious at my exhusband for filling their heads with such nonsense. I have no problem with them being religious, but to encourage them to look down on their own mother?! It's ridiculous. I talked to him about it briefly over the phone and he said he just told them the truth and that if I want to win them over again I should probably find god and then they will listen to me. I asked him why he's suddenly starting this stuff up, as for our whole marriage he never mentioned god once and suddenly he's a religious nut? I think he's doing it as vengeance or something.So...Are there any legal avenues I can take to stop my exhusband from sabotaging my relationship with my children?And what is a delicate way to approach the topic with my children? I don't want to discourage their belief, per say, because I have always believed in religious freedom. But I worry that if they start talking like this at school, they will become rather unpopular. And if they don't get off their high horse, they'll never be able to respect me!Help please!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Hi
Ive always had this theory about atheists ,although i do believe in a god myself.
Maybe you could come in at this angle and explain that athieststs are actually good people because they do not expect any reward for their good behaivour.If they help someone they are not doing it because they hope they will go to heaven etc. Such as myself i hope if i do good i will, so that is not UNCONDITIONAL where as an atheist would be unconditional. ( just a theory) You could maybe do something special like this, to show your children that just because you do not believe does not make you bad. As for your x he's a complete tosser planting seeds like this in the children's minds. Yes you will have to undo the damage and possibly think weather you should allow your children to explore for themselves there own beliefs, but not as him as their teacher and guide. Maybe read them a children's bible but treat it just as a story, it lets them have an awareness and at least they can question. In honesty as much as your x is wrong, you should also be careful that you do not totally deny them knowledge. As they grow they will decide themselves if they want to be an atheist or into religion it is about getting a healthy balance.
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Maybe explain to the kids that religion is all about beliefs and their daddy has his and you have yours. Just because he believes in something doesnt mean it is true. You should maybe ask him to stop filling their head with such nonsense too as it is upsetting them. Regardless of religion its not fair for either parent to say nasty things to their children about the other parent as it causes a lot of heartache and the children become unsure how to act. Reassure them that you love them and you love your partner and that is all that matters x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 July 2008):
I think you have to give them a bit of time and they will come back. They've just been let into this secret club that tells them they are better than everyone else.
But as you say it won't make them any friends at school, and I think that will be the real test. Send them out to play with their friends for a few days. When they come back having discovered that all the neighbourhood kids won't speak to them because the girls told them they were heathens, then they might think again about their faith.
They'll soon be back to Barbie and lipgloss once good old peer pressure has its way.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): You could perhaps tell them you've already been to hell, and that was when their father and you lived together, but now you're in heaven on earth.
I doubt that there's any legal routes to go down, freedom of speech and all that.
Looking at it from my stance, I can tell you that the children will in time make their own minds up whether there's a god or not, or whether there's a real place called hell and if ever any of you are likely to end up there. It might take a few years, but everyone has the right to 'believe' or not. I don't, but that's just me.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (30 July 2008):
 I can't possibly advise on legal issues as I'm sure the law is different in Canada to here. I can suggest talking to a lawyer though - it shouldn't cost much to get a proper answer to your question and the trouble with religious families is they won't stop pushing their ideas on your children so it would be worth the time spent checking.I know that you're an atheist but that doesn't stop you teaching your children about religion - all religions and views on it - and in doing so you will teach them tolerance, and undermine efforts to "brain wash" them by your ex.Let them see that what their father believes is just one set of beliefs out of 1000's out there, and that many people believe many different things. Let them know it's ok that their father believes what he believes, but it's also ok to believe different things. It's ok to be a fundamental christian, or a "normal" christian, or a roman catholic, or a jew, or sikh, or muslim, or wiccan, or atheist, or agnostic etc etc etc.Teach them tolerance, understanding and the difference between "belief" and "fact". And then they will have the tools to make up their own minds as they grow up, and whatever they decide that they believe they will always respect the person that gave them the ability to accept all people regardless of religion.
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