A
male
age
41-50,
*opper9112002
writes:Ok... So here goes.... Five years ago my ex-wife and I got divorced. From that marriage I have two wonderful boys aged 8 and 10 that mean the world to me. They live with their mother and because of my schedule I only get to see them every other Monday and Tuesday and since most of that time is spent with them in school, I dont get a lot of personal time with them. So about 2 years ago I got involved with a girl who had never been married and did not have children. Before we got serious I made it very clear to her that my boys were part of me and to accept me in a relationship meant that she would have to accept them too. And that in my mind meant to love them and treat them as her own. She agreed and in the beginning acted as though this would not be an issue for her. So after about a year we moved in together and things began to change. She scheduled herself to work on the days I had my boys and never spends time with me when they're around. She never talks to them and plays with them and it saddens me. To add to the story, we now have a daughter together. She's 6 months old and is the most beautiful little girl I have ever layed my eyes on. Today, I spoke with her about taking a vacation. A "family" vacation. She was all about it and even made certain the plans I made were plans that would not interfere with us having a baby since we would obviously be taking her with us. Everything was fine until I mentioned wanting to take my boys. Then she wanted nothing to do with it. My opinion is that I only have so much time to be a dad. I will always be their father, but I want to be a dad. I missed out on so much growing up I dont want the same for them. My question is at what point do I give up and do what I feel is the best thing for my boys. Do I stay and deal with it? What about my daughter? Is this healthy for them, or me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): firstly congrats on wanting to be a dad to your boys. a lot of fathers when they divorce their wives also divorce their kids as well.
your new wife is very selfish and is creating a "them" and "us" situation. she is making your boys to be outsiders and not part of the immediate family.
my best friend is like your wife. my BFF also met a divorced guy , 2 kids , knew the score about them beforehand, got married, had a daughter and well to cut a very long story short : my BFF wants almost nothing to do with those boys. this is causing endless problems and the only ones suffering the consequences are these 2 boys and their "sister" . seems like your situation is almost identical. all i can tell you that if you do not remind your new wife that she knew that your boys mean the world to you. tell her that you love the 3 kids equally and tell her that she needs to understand and commit to being a mother to your boys as well. seems like she has moved the goal post after getting maried.
don't be a fool and short change your boys or daughter. your wifes selfishness has to stop and she needs to know that her behaviour is unhealthy for all 3 kids. she is going to seperate them and she will divide them. her behaviour has to stop, and it needs to stop now. be firm and do not allow her to cut off your boys from your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): It is unfair on her part to do this... she is a mother and the boys are not that old that a woman cannot bond with them if she chooses to. Instead she chooses to be the wicked stepmom!
Okay, here are some practical solutions:
Why not schedule some kiddie days where you leave her at home but take the daughter with you?
Go on a holiday with her and leave your daughter behind and then go on a weekend trip with all the kids.
Treat all three alike when they are there. She is morally obliged to do the same. You need to be tough on the little daughter so your wife understands...
Once she is open to any kind of communication on this, meet her halfway...It makes no sense to leave a marriage and create another single parent family. But it is tough one.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 February 2010):
She's the mother of your daughter, not your sons. And that's the problem. She will always put her daughter first. It's worth staying with you girlfriend for the sake of daughter, and also because I'm sure you still love her. But you need to be clear that she's not interested in your sons because she now had her own daughter. You also need to make it clear to her that your sons WILL meet and spend time with their sister, and that you WILL take them on holiday together, whether she likes it or not. Be there for your kids, no matter what.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Oh my goodness I so relate to this post but sadly on the side of your partner. My husband has 3 children who stay over every other weekend. I too schedule my work so that I am never there when they come. I don't want to play with them or spend time with them either. I know it sounds terrible but I only want their Dad not them. My reason is that I cannot bear to think that my husband had a life before me especially since the mother of the children is so awful. The mother of the kids also harasses me for money and rings me all the time which again just puts me off. I look at my husband sometimes and although it is not spoken I know he is so disappointed in the way things have turned out. He wanted us to be a big family where we all got along and helped each other.
With regard to your post your partner obviously didn't realise what it was going to be like when she got with you, she did not think about the time that would be taken away from her with you dealing with your children, the financial aspects , the problems with the exes the list goes on. She seems to be unable to deal with anything before her time and seeks to cut this out at all costs. I understand how she feels about the holiday, i don't agree with her view but understands why she just wants it with her own little family with you. Has she had bad experiences with your ex wife or with the children at all or has it all started when she had your Baby?
My advice is to get the hell out as quickly as possible. She will given the choice cut you off from your sons and they are your children. Your post has made me realise that i am going to say this to my own husband tonight. It is not fair on your boys and you want to dedicate as much time as you can to them while they are growing up. If you had a similar exp when you were growing up then you will know that it is right to put them first. I would give her an ultimatum on this one. Often women will play the game of sweetness and light until their get their hooks in and then they change overnight. Your kids are your flesh and blood and need you. They should not be pushed off as second best into the distance. please tell her that she has to accept this or else the relationship is over, this is not what you signed up for.
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