A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am recently married and I need some advice as to how to stor the rows that are happening in it. It's not so much the rows but the escallation of them. For example today my husband asked my opinion on a carton of milk that had been left in his bag for nearly 30 hours, although it was cold I didn't trust it, he made me taste it and asked "Is it sour?" because I didn't give him a yes or no answer and instead offered my opinion that whilst it wasn't sour it certainly wasn't to be trusted. He started getting angry, so much so that when I asked him to hurry up to come to the gym, he shouted at me that he would come when he was ready, so I said I would meet him there, to this he slammed to door and told me to "F**k off then". At the gym (i was sunbathing by the pool) he came over and we started talking about the row. He said that the fact that I hadn't given him a straight answer made him angry. I was told that I was to give a yes or no answer and not my opinion. We started rowing at the pool and for nothing better to do I moved my flip flops to the other side of my lounger. He asked my why i had done that, I ignored the question and carried on talking about the matter in hand, he asked me again about the flip flops and why i moved them and I said "I don't know".He now maintains that, that in fact didn't happen and that I am going crazy and don't know what I say during rows. He left after calling me a mentalist!! and I finished sunbathing. I went home and sttod by the living room door my words were " I didn't answer your direct question and I have said that in the past I wouldnt do that, I'm sorry." Then I walked upstairs, to which he shouted back at me that, that was no longer the problem and that the problem was me screaming at him by the pool. I admit there were raised voices on our part but I certainly wasn't screaming. Anyway, not wanting to get in his way and have another row i went down to the cellar and out the back door to sunbathe. I was called over by my neighbour so went and sat with the girls in the garden. She offered me the last of her wine and lemonade which I drank and had a good old natter, forgetting all my troubles. I popped over the fence to get a warm top and the remenants of a bottle of vodka (which was only sufficient for four drinks (and there were four of us there) My husband came home and because he didn't have his keys went over the back fence. Seeing me with my friends he got the hump once again and shouted me over to go and make his TEA!! I went and he was standing in the hallway and tried to start another row about me "sneaking out", not tidying the house even though it wasn't that messy and it's a German bank holiday, and told me to "fuck off back to my friend and to sleep in the spare room" I went back as it was preferable to staying in the house, and finished my drink, it came to 10pm and I went back home, my friend had poured me a rum and coke but I left it with her to finish. I went upstairs and got into the spare bed. He came up and said "you're sleeping in here then?" To which I replied " that's what you told me to do" he said "fine" and walked downstairs. I was woken at 12.35 by him laughing down the phone and went downstairs. He was still frosty, but I went upstairs and got into our bed. I couldn't sleep so I went down to offer him my hand and ask him to come to bed and he still did not want to make amends. Instead ensued a huge row where I was told I was Psycotic and all the men I have ever dated have left me because of this. That I only married him because he was the only one to ask and was really hurtful and spiteful toward me. The thing is I really can't see why he was making excuses to hate me today. Three times I tried to sort this out and three times was rebuffed. then to be called mental and shouted at. I am not saying I didn't shout or that my going out didn't make the situation worse, but I was only trying to avoid another pointless row. Any help advice or confirmation as to whether I am actually mental or not would be appreciated. Many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Dear Mrs F,
Thanks for the update. I am glad to see you have re-evaluated your situation and can now see why you choose to be with this man and love him. Of course it's not going to be easy, as you share different personalities, that cause trouble and arguements. But you have enough love to at least try to attempt to work this thing out.
I hope you can manage to discuss some of your change of heart with him, and get his support to work on making your new marriage a thing of beauty. Of course you wanted to rant, (like him) more than advice, and this is the best place to do it, even if you don't get the answers or advice that you wish, it dose help to get different opinions to help with forming your own. Anyway, good luck, I hope things work out for you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo everyone with supportive advice, thank you. I just re read my "tidy house post" and the humour that was supposed to be in it is not apparent, anyway Tisha and those who have offered HELPFUL and FRIENDLY advice I am appreciative. You are right, the reason we got married is because we love one another. I fell in love with him for his intellect and open personality ( I would rather that than a man who runs away and sulks instead of rows), much like he married me for my independance, spirit and intelligence (although he'd say it was because of something else ;) ) any way what I am trying to say is that when we are good which is 95% of the time we are really good, it's like we have our own language, but when we are bad the traits that we love in each other seem turned against us. As much as we're loving, when we're arguing we seem to be hating in equal measures.
I am one to mull over rows, turn them over and analyse them, that's why I came on the forum, to air and to get a feel for others opinions. Many of you are right, there are people with bigger problems although it's not to say that mine are not as important to me. I felt that this site was a better vent than phoning up and worrying my parents ( especially 6 months after they have spent so much on a wedding present for us!) Needless to say that those of you who have insulted me and my husband have been glossed over and the advice from seemingly genuine sources are very much appreciated.
Many thanks
Mrs_F
P.s will let you know what I think of the book. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 I hope that the book will help; it's just a tool to help you two learn to speak each other's language. You obviously have different styles of communicating, and maybe since the current way isn't working, it's time to think about the best ways to handle the problem.
And yet another thought from me...
Some of the big battles my husband and I fought are now running jokes between us. Seriously, we have found the humor in the situation and can appreciate each other's side well enough to laugh about it now. At the time, of course, it was deadly serious and NO, I'M RIGHT, and NO, YOU'RE WRONG was an issue.
Now I've accepted he's right about 70% of the time. Okay, maybe 60%. Well on a really good day, he's right 30% of the time. Well, that's something for another day...
Try to remember that you two married each other because there was love between you. That should be cherished and nourished, even if you are so ticked off at him, you need to remember that!
And Wizard of Waz is a wise wizard indeed, so don't forget to reread what he wrote as well; he's a good auntie, even if he has funny taste in gowns. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha I have ordered it online so hopefully that will arrive in the next week. Thank you for the tip.
XX
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2008):
Just one more thought from me. During a recent argument--actually more of a heated discussion--with my husband, he quoted Albert Einstein on the definition of insanity.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
So we changed tacks and tried to handle our disagreement in a different way. And I have to say, it works!
So that's our current mantra... maybe it'll help you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2008):
A homework assignment for both Mr. and Mrs. F. Read Deborah Tannen's book, 'You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.' Available new and used from booksellers online.
Extra credit will be given to the spouse who gives the first book review and applies it to the current situation.
My husband and I sometimes find ourselves caught in a cycle of asking/answering questions based on an interior monologue, without realizing that we are not communicating well with each other. When that happens, however, we tend to find a way to use humor to diffuse the tension and then we can unravel the miscommunication snarl through patience, love and the goal of mutually understanding each other.
Mrs. F, I too am responsible for the household, and sometimes I do a less-than-perfect job, but there's usually a reason for it, and if I can explain that in a logical way to my husband, he understands. He also knows that the house running is mostly my job, but that I need his help too. After all, he has time off work, and so should I.
Mr. F, when I am less than perfect in dealing with the house, shopping, laundry, bills, etc., it does indeed make my husband angry. But he has learned that his best approach is humor, patience, and listening to me, and sharing his feelings in a calm, loving way.
Don't know if this will help you, but it certainly works for us!
I hope to see the book report soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Waz, may I take this opportunity to just say that, although I do work part time, the entire share of the housework does fall on me. My husband is notoriously untidy to the point that I had to nag for months just to get him to throw his own disposable contact lens cases away when he used them, I even had to put a bin right next to the sink!! His dad and I have a running joke that you have to follow him around with a dustpan and brush in order to keep a house tidy.
This said on 98% of occasions the house is as tidy as it can be. When he is away on exercise it is spotless, he would be lying if he said that every time he came home it wasn't to an immaculate house.
Although when he does come home, dumps his bags in the lounge and leaves them there till I move them. Both his family and I say that on his gravestone would be written "I'll do it in a minute".
With this said there have been occasions that we have spent all weekend doing things or even doing nothing and the house has been a tip! To this I have always said it would be back to pristine on Monday, which without fail it is. I spend the entire day making sure it is cleaned polished, hoovered, bleached and washed to within and inch! This includes clothes, towels and bedding. The occasions that we do leave it to rack and ruin have never been a bone of contention with him, in fact the only time he ever mentions my role in the house is when we row. The reason for this is because when we row I point blank refuse to clean up after him. In most cases he threatens to kick me out of the house in anger so my point being, "If i'm leaving anyway I'm certainly not going to give your house a once over before I go".
Anyway I have interrupted the washing of windows to type this (seriously) all to say that my housekeeping is not in question and never should be. If my husband disagree's with me then he is either lying or should go to live with my Aunt who is borderline OCD about her cleaning regime.
The only reason he was pissed off is because we were arguing and it was ammunition.
Mrs_F
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate from Mrs_F. The husband has noe gone on ex, and I have read his post, to say that it's not quite accurate would be obvious. There is no way he called me "honey" when sitting down at the sun lounger, he was as irritaded and ready to fight as I was. As for pathalogical liar!! Well that is a label he gave to his ex also, how unlucky of him to land two of us. Anyway I digress. We had a BIG heart to hear on Saturday, after a night sleeping apart and me spending most of the morning / afternoon in the gym. I tried to explain that when he says that I am defending a position, the only reason he see's it as wrong is because he is not of the same opinion. We both have to realise that to every circumstance and everything in life there are vantage points, we all see something differently. Two people can look at a cloud and one can see the shape of Jesusn and the other see's the shape of a clown! Who is right? Well both of them are... the problem os not who is right in our relationship, it's who is more forceful in proving the other wrong. Yes I do blurt things out, no I don't form my arguments properly, but I don't know many women who do when pushed into a corner. Fortunately for my husband he has a finely tuned logical brain and the ability to argue a point to the death, as well as a bit of a firey temper. I on the other hand get frustrated, irrational and have a deep fear of backing down. He always says I'm too independant. I guess the crux of the matter id that I LOVE my husband dearly and I know he feels the same. I just want to get to the bottom of these viscious arguements. We are two extremely passionate people, passionate about our goals, about the projects we undertake and most of all passionate about one another. The obvious flip side of that is that we argue passionately too. I want a resolve to the ridiculous crescendo that our rows get to, but still maintain the passion in the rest of our lives. Is that possible or are we doomed to a life of screaming at one another every time we row?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Marriage is about love,sex, money and power.
You should always compromise your ideals and do not set too high an expectations from the other.
There is no way you can avoid those fights in a marriage as we all have our own idiosyncrasies.
The trick is how you handle those challenges that get thrown your way.
Minor problems can escalate into major problems if you do not nib the problems in the bud.
Quickly settle those problems before sun down and move on .
Give and take some .
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Well, we got ourselves a control freak of a husband and a woman who is letting him.
I think he wants a mommy more then a partner, the whole milk thing already sounds odd enough. If you think milk is spoiled then you just poor some out and SEE if it is. The look and smell make it clear enough. And if he is really army then they sure let standards slip because drinking milk that might be off a bit is NOTHING compared to what I had to endure during training.
He seems to want everything his way or no way and that is just not how relationships work.
Mind you, there is another side to this story, isn't there always, and that suggest to me that what we got here is a failure to communicate.
Both of you want something else out of this marriage and are failing miserable at telling each other this. It is not uncommon, lots of newly married couples have trouble getting used to the routine.
I think his army background may have something to do with this. I served and the discipline is hard to let go. It is very easy to get used to things going smoothly and as planned and dealing then with a civilian wife...
No, you are not going mental, but you might. Either you two split up because you are too different or start talking and find out what the other person wants. Both of you got issues you need to sort out or learn to life with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): No your not mental. Your husband has serious anger management problems. It could turn abusive and be weary of that.
I wouldn't know what to do in that situation as I am pretty young and couldn't really picture it in that sense, however it really is only you who could decide. Asking him to get treatment or whatever would be stupid because he'll get worse.
Even if you love him you don't deserve this. You live once and you should be happy. If it gets really, absoutley insanely out of hand, get out of there, and only come back when he's ready to be a human.
Don't listen to his insults - take it with a pinch of salt!!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (24 May 2008):
 Dear Mr F...... You really are a sad little man, who thinks nothing of humiliating your poor downtrodden wife over stupid things like sour milk and flip flops. If I was your poor wife I would have stuffed the flip flops right up YOUR NOSTRILS and the sour milk over YOUR HEAD.
I lived with a guy for eight years like you, in fact you sound exactly like him albeit he is not in the army, but I had the sense to leave him. ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE IN THE ARMY????........ I THOUGHT THE ARMY IS FOR REAL MEN NOT WIMPY LITTLE TWATS LIKE YOU.
Get a life you pathetic little jumped up HITLER and realise that there people in this world that lead very sad existances because of things like poverty, homelessness, their loved ones dying etc etc and think yourself lucky to have such a nice wife like yours. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ARSE AND TREAT HER WITH R-E-S-P-E-C-T....
If you carry on like this you will end up a VERY SAD AND LONELY MAN VEGETATING IN YOUR OWN SELF-IMPORTANCE.
Dear Mrs F... No you are NOT mental you are ME four years ago, A POOR WOMAN STRIPPED OF HER SELF ESTEEM...... My ex treated me exactly like your poor excuse of a husband, screaming and shouting making me look and feel like TOTAL AND UTTER WORTHLESS CRAP...... Four years on I have my own flat a great job great friends and family and last but not least a lovely boyfriend whom I love very much.
There is life at the end of the tunnel and do have courage to leave this TOTAL PRICK YOU CALL A HUSBAND..... I REALLY WISH YOU A GREAT AND HAPPY LIFE..... IT IS NOT TOO LATE MY LOVE......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Dash... Now we got the husband.... (mmm.....wonder why she left this on the PC for him to find?)
Well I promised that I would tell him the same thing. I just hoped that he'd be the mature one and be able to put a stop to this childish rubbish. However, it seems like he's in the same battle that the wife is in. "I'm perfect, I'm in the right, she's wrong, she's sick." I'm going to give the same advice, but I fear that he wont listen either because he's on the sharing the same battlefield as his wife. I fear you might be right WizardofWaz, not much compatability here and I fear there may be nothing left to save. Divorce may be the only solution.
Dear Husband......
You and your wife have a serious communication problem. Your recently married, you should be sharing good times, you should be loving and supporting of one another. If you think she's strange why did you marry her. "She's a pathologial liar", well didn't you see this before. What's she lie about, flip-flops and cups of tea... Mmmm... Yep, real dangerous woman that.
She's not your servant, if you got no food, or the house is a mess, clean it up. Stop shouting at her and putting her down, she's not ill, she's just made crazy by your behaviour. She's not a child, your not her father. Of course she goes to spend time with other people, she's a young woman, she needs to laugh and she can't seem to do that with you anymore.
What do you mean you asked for seperate beds. Do you snore, does she smell, dose she sleepwalk. I don't know what the army has to do with anything, excepting your treating her like one of you soliders (or a very bad dog) and expecting her to jump in line when you clap your hands. Why should she, she dosen't even get the reward of a dog buscuit when she dose well. She can't do anything to please you, no wonder she's unhappy and arguementive. All the army men I know sleep with their wives, cause they miss them when their away. What kind of army you join up with, one that hates women? Practices celebacy? I really don't understand.
Damn I thought she had a long story, but your post is as long as hers. Never known a man to talk so much, you don't like airing your business in public, but you got lots to tell us (a bunch of strangers) about flip flops, sour milk and a whole pile of other stuff that I got too bored to read.....
She speaks without thinking, well she dosen't need to think dose she, cause it seems like you think it's your job to do all the thinking for her.
You say "she will then defend that position to the absolute death even though we BOTH know it's wrong". Wrong for you maybe but not for her. Who died and made you God, Judge and Jury. Your not the enforcer, your supposed to be a loving husband. You don't look like an example of sweetness and light to me. I don't see you compromising over anything, I don't see you admitting when your wrong.
She can't even put her shoes where she wants without you jumping all over her. You keep rushing her and judging her and putting her into a panic. If she dosen't speak fast enough, your angry, if she disagrees, you get angry. You wont listen when she talks, you wont share her bed. You got her so scared that she dosen't even know why she dose things. "Why you move your flip-flops, I don't know is her answer." You may think your suffering physical abuse, but you don't mind dishing out a whole pile of mental abuse to her. If you want something to control, go get yourself a dog and teach it to sit up when you want. Stop picking on her, if you keep on your gonna make her mentally sick.
What's up with you, why you gotta be right all the time. The way I see it you think "it's my way or the highway", don't worry baby, I can see your doing everything in your power to get her to leave. She'll be gone soon, but don't think any other woman with self respect is gonna put up with you and your controlling ways. Seperate bedrooms indeed. If my man sleeps away I know he's either impotent, gay or celibate and not for me, I like sex in a marriage. So does she, why should she or any woman stay with a man that can't get it up.
If she's beating you, that's "spouse abuse", and you need her to get some counselling to deal with her anger management issues. No need to feel ashamed, no matter your a man or a solider, no woman or man has the right to be hit. That's not fair, especially since a good man can't hit back.
There are two solutions to your problem. If you want to stay married you both need marriage counselling to find out how to talk to each other properly and get your marriage to work. Read the recommended book. Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Relationships/dp/0007152590/ref. Learn to see her point of view, learn about what your behaviour does to her, learn to understand her when she talks, learn to change your ways. Help her, support her and try to make her laugh.
Otherwise get a divorce quickly before you both begin to seriously hate and hurt one another. Your unhappy, she's unhappy. Either learn and change or split up and go your seperate ways. You can both update us on your situation, but I for one refuse to be drawn into your childish games. She's right, your right, who cares. There are people on this board who have real problems, and your asking us about sour milk and flip-flops. Get serious, be a man and sort this problem out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Admittedly, a fun read all around. Very entertaining.
I've never seen a post where both people have posted their side of the story. I would love it if more people did this. I say this because before I read the "he" side I definitely thought it was an abusive relationship. Now I just think it's a relationship which could end at any given moment, because of both parties.
I would recommend counseling.
I agree with the male in this: public arguing and myself do not go together.
However I don't feel that her not cleaning the house should have been taken so terribly. You know, it's not really that big of a deal.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I think Waz's phrase "petty bitching" sums it up.
There's nothing, absolutely nothing, here that ought to be causing such major trouble. Both of you are quite simply making mountains out of molehills.
Someone ought to bang your silly heads together until you both see sense and start behaving like adults.
If one, or both of you, has problems dealing with anger, then get some counselling together. The army was mentioned - they have the most excellent facilities for sorting out marriage problems. Go see them.
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Wow, the other side has spoken....You were right Diovan, it's a totally different pic when you hear both sides! They need counseling or something along those lines so that they can really HEAR what the other's saying.
Thank You for posting Husband, it helps us all learn.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I posted my analysis after the husband posted his, so I didn't have the benefit of his riposte. My analysis of "passive resistance" therefore seems off the mark.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (23 May 2008):
I don't approve of his actions, but I can understand where he's coming from.
He's uptight because you didn't agree with him that the milk might be off. He felt infuriated that instead of just coming out and telling him that the milk is fine, or agreeing with him that the milk was off, you were somehow holding out against him. He felt that in your heart of hearts you felt the milk was fine, but avoided giving him a straight answer. I think he feels that you're putting up some kind of "passive resistance" and it infuriates him.
This led to an escalation of his behaviour. He interpreted the moving of your flip flops (are they thongs?) to the other side of the lounger as another unconscious attempt at "passive resistance". When you ignored his challenge, it only confirmed him in the opinion that you were passively resisting him.
After that he started to interpret any behaviour as somehow shutting him out. The thing with the neighbours, to which he wasn't invited... The challenge to you to sleep in another bed, which he didn't REALLY want you to take up... he was just looking for an excuse to accuse you of wanting to shut him out.
Your avoidance of pointless rows is not going to help. If you avoid direct confrontation he'll just regard this as further "passive resistance". In my own experience, passive resistance can be infuriating. It's easy to have an argument with someone who comes right back at you, but not with someone who "sabotages" the argument by ignoring you.
Again, I'm not excusing his behaviour, this is just my analysis of what is bugging him.
Since he's acting childish it's not going to be easy to get things back on an even keel. He'll seek any excuse to sabotage your attempts to defuse the situation. But you two are going to have to find a way of getting on together. That is, change the way you interact with each other. Otherwise it's going to lead to a lot of frustration.
Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have just come downstairs, clicked on the PC and found that wife has posted about me on the internet.Unfortunately her version of events have been doctored to show a completely different side of the story.Her version does not have previous arguments, it does not discuss the scars I have on my body from her abuse, it does not discuss the pathologicial lying she has done in the past.Either way I forgave her for everything and kept taking her back.But she has one big problem and maybe you all know someone similar. She speaks without thinking.....but then...after blurting something out, could be something ridiculous..she will then defend that position to the absolute death even though we both know it's wrong. She will swear blind she never said something when she clearly did.It's hard to describe.Yes I told her to sleep in the spare room. I work full time in the Army and Mrs F was given the option to work full time and we split the chores or work part time (2 days a week) and she is responsible for the house. It seemed fair, my job means I am often away on exercise or doing Army stuff.Yesterday was my day off, she decided to take a day off as well and went to the Health Club to sunbathe. We had the row abou the milk because it took 10 minutes to get an answer from her. I worked out at the club and then found her. She started staright away. I said honey - I don't want to do this in public. She continued. So we ended up arguing. I said things, she said things but I told her I am not doing this in public and walked away. But she continued to shout at me as I walked across the swimming area through strangers who were listening. She will argue anywhere.So I come home. She rolls into the house at 6pm and gives me a sarcastic apology. Although I am now more upset at her public outburst. Our neighbours are sitting in the garden drinking.Scene set..our kitchen looks like a bomb has hit it, the master bedroom curtains are not even open, the bed is not made etc.She takes a key, goes into the cellar and then opens the underground door to the back garden and makes her way to the neighbours. She didn't tell me.I go back to the gym that and shout (to an empty house) 'Mrs F, off to the gym.'Come back at 9.30 to a dark house. Ring doorbell over and over until eventually I hear laughing. I have to climb into my own back garden to find her drinking with a bunch of mates have a whale of a time.I walk into the house and it is still the same. A bombsite. And nothing has been made for dinner.So I call out to her. Knowing full well I am upset she decided she will just sit across the street with her mates and shouts back..'What?'. You see the public angle? She knows what I am about to say but to her friends it will sound unreasonable.She walks in.The house is not clean. 'I know.'Nothing is cooked. 'I know. You want me to cook?'No Mrs F. Forget it. 'Okay'.Have you been drinking. 'Yeh'Are you back over there 'Yeh'And that was it she scurried back over there until she was ready to come home. What man would not be angry to come home to a house he cannot get into cause his wife has snuck out drinking, it's filthy and no dinner at nearly 10pm.So yes I told her to sleep in the spare room. When she was finished with her buddies she calmly went upstairs without a word and went to sleep.By the way, the flip flop thing was not as she describes it. She was lying on a sun lounger and the argument had finished. She picked up a book to signify this but bizarrely also moved her flips flops from one location to the other. I asked 'why?'WITHOUT THINKING OR EVEN REGISTERING WHAT I HAD SAID she quick as a flash replied 'Because you said I was wrong'.I looked perplexed and asked 'what?' and finally she looked sheepish and said. 'I don't know why I moved them'.The moving of the flip flops is not mental. It's the fact that she blurts stuff out without thinking and then DEFENDS IT!!!
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
Right! Hopefully they can resolve it in the bedroom... I know that I personally connect with my man in a tantric way when we make love. It doesn't matter what he said or I said, it's all about the loving energy that we share. I honestly feel that we share our entire being when we make love...Forget the "sex" word, it's about the assimilation of two beings- minds, bodies and souls (energies). It's the definition of perfect if you're with the right one- you'll know if he's not the ONE.
If you can't share this, you have so much to see in life. You should settle for nothing less :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): I've just thought of another thing. Aren't these type of arguements supposed to end in bed with the best sex ever?... maybe we should let them get at it, start fighting and let nature take it's course. At least they'll be no more seperate bedrooms. (LOL)
But I know what you mean about the husband though... Wonder what's really eating him. Wonder what's really bothering her and what this fighting is really about.
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
YUP, You're right, it's silliness, but still kind of scary! My point was that she shouldn't apologize for something stupid like moving flip flops...I didn't see the bigger picture. They wouldn't be having this convo if things were cool to begin with. You're right- Say "I'm Sorry" and then talk about what they can BOTH do to improve. Obviously, what they're doing isn't working. Sadly, he may not want to hear it. For whatever reason, maybe lots of reasons, the marriage isn't duel sided. She's asking for advice, maybe even to justify her desire to leave, but HE'S not. Who knows, maybe he's asking about their relationship on some other site?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Looks like I'm my own on this.... Sorry KittiKat, but I'm not talking about one of those, "sorry for this honey, sorry for that honey, type of apologies." when women needed to learn assertiveness skills and how to stand their ground.
I'm talking about one of those "I'm sorry for my part in destroying our marriage" type apologies. I'm hoping this will cause this ladies husband to open up, take their marriage seriously and give his apologies too.
I mean look what their arguing about... cups of tea, flip flops.... and she so sure she's right. Did everything perfectly, even wrote it down so she could tell us, and get us all to agree how right she is. I want this lady happy, I don't care who moves first. If she gets her husband to write in then I will give him exactly the same advice. Had a friend that used to do the same thing, told me all her partner had done wrong, but minimized her own bad behaviour.
"All I did was tell him the milk was not to be trusted." Who the hell talks like that except me.... She's angry and he knows it.... "I admit there were raised voices but I wasn't screaming.." or this really good one "because I had nothing better to do, I moved my flip flops." This woman is spoiling for a fight and her husband is too..Oh come on....
Is he psyco is he mental - Look at the checklist to see if he fits the pattern http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
Reminds me of a friend who ended up in a divorce over an arguement about who got the biggest slice of pizza. Stupid, waste of time and energy. Sorry you all see things differently but this is my advice based on what's going on here.
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
Yes, IMS, it's funny I know! I thought it was a joke at first, but when I saw all of the studies and the serious effort put into them I let it become my 'excuse' for his bad behavior! Don't knock it dammit! Let me think my man has a hormonal problem :-)
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (23 May 2008):
 ...IMS... interesting -- that's a first for me... just a few comments. I have read "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus" and I recommend it to anyone, not just those that are interested in staying out of divorce court. Men and women have different communication patterns and this book definitely helps sort them out...
But still, your husband is scaring me. I'm worried that this really isn't a Mars/Venus thing. He just sounds like a complete hot-head... and, if anyone needs medical attention, it's him not you. My concern is escalation. I would recommend all of the advice here, but be on your toes -- I'm getting this vibe that his next stage after verbal abuse will become physical abuse. Please be on guard for that and if he does take a swing at you, don't think about it, just get your stuff and get out of the house... I'd almost recommend having a suitcase packed and at your neighbor's place just in case you need to leave the house in a flash (although I wouldn't recommend being so close to your own home hiding out).
How long have you been married? Was he like this in the lead-up to your wedding? Is this his usual character?
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
DiovanLestat? I agree with most of your post, but what should she apologize for? I've said "I'm sorry" so many times just to keep the peace and I'm telling you, most of the time I cringe when I say it. WHY? Why do we have to be the peacemakers? I know that women are usually the one's to smooth things over, but it just seems like shit sometimes. Yes, I get a sick satisfaction knowing that I've allowed my guy to think he's right, but it usually ends up biting me in the ass. Had I been as assertive in the beginning as I am now, I wouldn't even be having this conversation. Ughhh, this all makes me so confused. I say, don't ever be sorry for mistakes you haven't made. Be accountable for the things you could have done better- but it takes TWO! You can't take full responsibility for the demise of a relationship. No, not mental...FEMALE! :-)
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
It's weird, Lotusmamma has a point...when I was all jacked up about my man being moody to me, I did some research and found that men also have hormonal cycles and swings... It's not as prolific as us females, but it is a condition that has gained a lot of attention. Some medical researchers have actually put a name to it: Irritable Male Syndrome. Isn't that spectacular!? I may have PMS while he has IMS :-) Yes, that was sarcasm....Apparently, males have fluctuations in testosterone that make them behave irrationally. I've seen it, just happy to put a name to it :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Honey, be carefull, be very, very carefull, your building up a fire that will end in destruction and divorce... Is that what you want? You changed your mind and trying to get out? You made a mistake?
No! You want to stay married? Then you need to run down to the libary as fast as you can and pick up a copy of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Relationships/dp/0007152590/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211515560&sr=8-1
Do you want to stay married or do you wanna be RIGHT. This isn't a battlefield, your not at war, your not in competition. Your supposed to be loving and helping one another.
Your gonna end up hating one another and getting a divorce because of "sour milk", "flip flops" and "cups of tea"... You don't believe I'm serious, honey your already starting to sleep in seperate rooms when your supposed to still be on honeymoon. He's laughing with other people, but he aint laughing with you. Your psycotic, he's a control freak. Did you see all these characteristics before you got married? He hates you, you hate him. Remind me, why did you two get married?
Where's your head at, why did you get married, to fight and make one another unhappy and lonely. Your building a whole pile of bad memories in your marriage, instead of the laughs, kisses and fun you should be having.
Go and appologise to him, tell him you love him and want this thing to work. If it aint serious leave it alone, learn to give in sometimes. It dosen't matter if the flip flops go on the left or the right. Get your head straightened out or get a divorce, just stop this behaviour before things get worse.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (23 May 2008):
 He is acting like a child, starved of attention. He has an issue he isnt telling you about, and instead of discussing it with you, he's acting like a pompus ass. I had a partner like that. I threatend to leave him if he dosnt communicate (we all know that a majority of me have a difficult time doing that). Try not to take his childish jabbs personally. He's just got something on his mind, he needs to let go. It almost sounds like he is menstral!
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 May 2008):
I am from the US and don't really know what a "row" is, but from what you've said, I've assumed it's an argument. I don't know you, but if what you've put on here is true (It more than likely is-you wouldn't have come to this site to blast yourself!), I'd say he's the one with problems. It sounds like he's dealing with something. It may be work? He sounds very insecure and controlling. I know that the term "controlling" is used a lot, but what does that mean to you? I don't know if that's accepted in the UK, I'm pretty sure it's not since you girls are pretty much the same as us US girls...but, for him to say that he only wanted a "yes or no" answer? Eeeek! My man did this to me a few weeks back and it floored me. I said "you love me for my wonderful mind, my instinct and my sense of my surroundings, but you just want me to say 'yes or no'? We don't do that. Women. We think, we feel, we care. I totally understand your conversation about the milk, you were concerned. He's just got something under his skin. Who knows what it is!? He's not able to identify what's wrong, so why wouldn't you walk around wondering what the fuck's going on? Maybe he does know what's wrong, and in that case he needs to be a man and deal with it. No, not a man, a HUMAN. Not your problem if he can't talk to you about it. It sounds like he's taking his shit out on you-not cool at all. Young guys seem to just vent and throw things out at whoever's closest to them. I would suggest that you wait for a quiet time to talk to him about it...If he gets all pissed about it, you pretty much have your answer. He's too wrapped up in his own shit to logically and realistically to see what he's doing. No, you don't sound "mental". That's a term people use when they want to feel better than their partner! Be strong and demand more respect! If he can't give it, then move the hell on. Best of luck! Colleen :-)
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (23 May 2008):
 ok youre not mental and he has some serious issues whether hes insecure or not..you need to get this sorted out obviously their is something bothering him and instead of talking about it hes going off the handle and you dont need to be getting the brunt of it if you know what i mean..tell him this gets sorted now that your not going to take him giving you mental abuse and thats what hes doing hes trying to make you feel insecure and worthless, ask him what the problem is and that youre married youre ment to communicate and deal with things not get angry and take it out on each other..thats my opinion hope it helps aphex
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