A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently started dating a really great 49 year old woman who has been divorced a long time. Things have been going so well that I spend a lot of nights at her house.She has a 19 year old (almost 20) daughter who goes to college and lives at home.My girlfriend has a very open relationship with her daughter - maybe more open than it should be in my opinion. However, she said that her parents never talked about anything and so she wants to be the opposite. She talks to her daughter about sex, her personal grooming habits, and lots of stuff I would never talk to my mom about. For instance they had a conversation about if there was a way to make their, uh, fluids test better. Anyway, I like her daughter as she is very much like my girlfriend in appearance and personality. The problem is that her daughter flirts with me. It makes me uncomfortable and I also feel like it would upset my girlfriend if she knew - like I am a pedophile or a cheat or both. Last night I had sex with my girlfriend until about 3am. We weren't overly loud or anything but like I said my girlfriend is very open with her daughter so we didn't try to hide what we were doing even though we were behind closed doors. I got up to use the bathroom (her house has only one bathroom) to find the daughter smirking at me in the hall. What happened next totally shocked me. I am in shock now. She said: "I'd fuck you." I pretended not to hear her and closed the door behind me. She was gone when I was done.I don't know WHAT to make of that comment. Should I mention it to my girlfriend? Should I pretend it never happened? Do I take it up with the daughter? A little innocent flirting made me feel uncomfortable but I feel that comment crossed a line.
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (20 March 2015):
Firstly you're not not a paedophile. Far from it. This girl is of legal age. You're obviously not attracted to her and she makes you uncomfortable. It's good for a mother and daughter to have a close r/ship but you have to draw a line somewhere. These two have crossed that line.
My advice...tell your g.friend's daughter to stop! Make it clear her behvaiour is unacceptable. If she continues you'll have to tell her mother. If things work out between you and your girlfriend, this girl will be your stepdaughter! If she does'nt respect you now...she'll be a nightmare as a stepchild. Put your footdown.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (14 March 2015):
Frankly if I were you I'd have a very firm discussion with the daughter and tell her in no uncertain terms that her comments are inappropriate and that if it doesn't stop immediately you'll tell her mother.
And shame on you, too. Why didn't you immediately put a stop to her flirting? Because you enjoyed the attention, that's why. A much younger version of your girlfriend flirting with you? You're flattered and that's why you haven't put your foot down.
Don't tell your gf just yet, no need to create more drama. But grow up and put this young woman in her place immediately.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 March 2015):
 If they are both so open with each other then telling her about this would not be so shocking. She understands her daughter better. It's possible that comment meant "you are hot, lucky you," or she would want sex if you were not taken. At first you can talk to her and explain that you are not used to that kind of frankness. Normally people talk with filters. The two of them are used to talk about anything without any awkwardness. They feel like sex is a normal, healthy function and have no shame about it. This is a good thing but since you are an outsider trying to fit into this family the dynamics have to be changed.
I would not hesitate to talk to your girlfriend about this. I would not say it in a way to judge her parenting abilities. Most single mothers deserve a medal for raising children on their own. But rather, where is this relationship going, where do you fit in in this family, can you assume the father role with her, etc. You can also tell the daughter that you are uncomfortable with her comment. You will worry that things get weirder and weirder but remember she is just a child trying so hard to be adult. You have the power to influence her in a good way, more than you think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): It's the age old problem of old men lusting after young girls. The allure of the forbidden.I will bet you DO find your girlfriend's daughter attractive and you DO want to have sex with her and you DO find her comment an ego boost. What typical, red blooded (in your case, older) male wouldn't? If you weren't attracted to this girl even in the teensiest bit, you would not have come to DC for opinions.Your relationship is still new so you likely have not developed a strong enough emotional bond to your girlfriend which would stop you from sleeping with someone else and you clearly are not committed to her. You are getting the cow and the milk for free and are now looking at the younger cow on the same pasture.Seriously? Stop playing the martyr. That is laughable really. I am 44, look young, am in top shape, and I'm "beautiful" and the whole package. My BF is 17 years older and yet still looks at young girls. Doesn't mean he will f#ck them but still looks. And I think I am better than all of them.It makes us women feel like sh#t as we get older and yet still take care of ourselves because guys will always look at and/or fantasize about other women, and especially girls. We "total package" women deserve a good man who isn't an oinker. But so sadly all men are oinkers at heart. Acting on it or not doesn't matter. They sure do think it.And you are no exception.What do I suggest?Stop putting yourself in a position to do something you will regret. This situation is a bomb waiting to explode. How to deal with it? Remove yourself from it. Don't have sex with the daughter around. Keep your contact with her minimal. You are not her father nor is it your responsibility to ever be her father. Not even a father figure. You are right now just a guy her mother is banging. Sorry to be blunt but this is the truth. You have a nice little set up. One woman in the bag and maybe another on tap. Men do think this way. So get your mind out of the gutter. Change your behaviour. Or ideally get out of this relationship. I mean leave it. Done. It is still new so it should not be so difficult.I can tell you that you are playing with fire. If this kid decides to step it up and actively pursue you and seduce you... there is a right moment... a right time and a right place... will you be strong enough to turn her down? WOULD YOU? Be HONEST with yourself. If the answer is NO, then you have a problem.I actively pursued my boyfriend. I was not taking NO for an answer and he caved to me. She can definitely do the same thing. We women have a power to seduce if we choose to use it. Men unfortunately are weak when it comes to turning down free sex. WEAK. WEAK. WEAK.Another viewpoint? How about she is just teasing you, using YOU are an ego boost? She may have no intention or desire to sleep with you but is toying with you? I have done that before when I was 20. Led on old men and then laughed at them when they started salivating at the mouth. Told my girlfriends about the "old guy" and we all had a good laugh. I do think your GF made a mistake in being more of a friend to her daughter. This is going to cause your GF a lot of problems with her daughter's behaviour in future relationships. I think the daughter needs some form of therapy. She is likely to have some troubled relationships herself.REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS. IT IS A SERIOUS MATTER.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): Sorry but my bs radar is going off here... You say that you like the daughter because she is like the mother in appearance and personality . Throat sounds a lot like a veiled way of saying that you are attracted to her.
If you are then you owe it to your gf to tell her do she knows , and that means telling her what the daughter said AND that you have an attraction to her daughter
Ughhhhh what a nightmare for you girlfriend. I feel sorry for her
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 March 2015):
Dear OP,
Yes, that comment did cross a line and no, you shouldn't just shut up about this anymore. This is the kind of situation that will get weirder and weirder if you don't address it.
If I may give you one advice, it would be to first let your emotions cool down a little, to the point where you feel relaxed. And try to understand all parties involved.
You're not guilty of this, you're not a pervert or a pedophile. And your girlfriends' daughter is probably not a promiscuous lolita, just she's a young and probably confused woman.
I think that because your gf is divorced for a long time, the relationship between her and her daughter developed into some sort of a friendship, where both support each other. With a new man in the house, it may oddly arise some competitive spirit for your attention. They shared so much, been through so much, that the boundaries aren't clear enough what is NOT to share.
Also, maybe your gf's daughter missed a lot of fatherly affection. You're somehow like a father figure, and maybe she would like for you to care about her, but instead of doing this in a functional way, she's trying to seduce you with sex.
Ok, so much for psychology.. my practical suggestions:
1) Talk to your girlfriend, but not in an apologetic way. What happened is not your fault, it's irritating you and you would like for it to change.
2) More privacy! I think it IS important to somehow hide more that you both are having sex. It's totally weird for the daughter to hear that and to see you walk to the bathroom in a post-coital mood. Have sex at your place, at a hotel, when the daughter is sleeping over somewhere else. But don't make her witness her mother getting laid. It increases the feeling of everyone being too close and intimate.
3) More boundaries! Make it clear, and SAY it to the daughter, that you like her, but that you see her - as a daughter. It's difficult to address the flirting maybe. But you can address what she said to you and say this crossed a line for you. Doesn't mean you don't like her anymore, no need to get angry or accusatory. Just define the relationship. You're a potential parent, not a potential partner. I think your gf's daughter would even appreciate those boundaries. The mother is clearly not setting enough of them, so you can be a good example. A sane fatherly person.
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