A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello All, Please can you advise me on the following. I have recently met a new guy. He has alot going for him. He;s kind, thoughtful, generous, attentive, and can offer me the stabiltiy I am looking for. We have been on four dates, and all is going well. I feel exceptionally comfortable and relaxed around him, and am very happy to have met him.. but there is an issue which I need to decide on before getting involved any futher. He told me has smokes cannabis. He said it was his only problem, and that he is worried about it. I didn't quite take it on board, but have now seen it in action, and it's excssive. I mentioned that maybe he should try and cut down. visit his GP etc. He said he is very concerned about his habit. I do not want to take that problem on board, as I have dated an alchoholic in the past, and know what addictions are like, and how you cannot channge someone, and tell them to stop, as they have to want to do it for themselves. I am unsure as of how to proceed now, as I do not wnat to start worrying about him and it, and feel that if I get too emotionally involved with him, his problem will become mine, but at the same time, I do not want to cut him out of my life because of it, as he has all these wonderful qualities. I aprreciated he was upfront about it, but now don;t know what to do? Please advise. Thanks :o) x
View related questions:
smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, thak you all so much for taking the time to answer me. I have found all your answers inspiring and helpful. he is a lovely man. I confronted him about it by email - I got a rather evaisve answer statinhg that he knows he has a problem, and needs to get off it gradually. I did not answer. he has now teted me this morning. if he thinks he can just sweep it under the carpet. he has another thing coming. I am not going to get emotionally involved and will remain detached whilst looking for someone more suitble. it;s a real morale dilemma, but I do not wnat to be with a guy that is high all the time. it;'s very dissapointing. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): You've only been out with this guy four times and already he is "saddling" you with his addiction problem. You've been out with an addict (alcoholic) before, you don't want that again.
You and he acknowledge his problem is excessive. You are not responsible for this guy.
He knows what he needs to do. So do you ... walk away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI Caring Guy. Thank you for your honest answer. I have had my reservations, and am sad that I will need to cut this off. I sent him a text saying that I did not realise how excsessive his smoking is, and that I cannot be around it when I am with him, and that I was a bit concenred, and that he needs to cut down or give up, and it';s up to him. I also told him I am not having a go at him, and that it is for his own benifit as well as mine. I bet I won;t hear from him again, but that's ok, as I wil have saved myself what could have been months of heartache. He even smokes first thing in the morning, tnen again before he leaves home, then throughout the day. He said he is sick of it, and that he could save £30 per day if he did not have this problem. He was the one who brought it up on our first date, as if he wanted to get it out of the way and tell me. I saw it fullon yesterday , and it is not attractive!! I am a bit sad, as I thought I had met someone I could be with after getting out of a quite badly abusive relastionship recently. I kow in my heart I cannot take his problem on. He knows that too now. xx
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 March 2011):
Please think very carefully, and go back to the time you were dating the alcoholic. You KNOW very well what an addiction does, and you know that even if someone has all those qualities, the addiction can take them over, and worse still take you over. This man may have a hundred qualities, but if he has a cannabis problem that's costing money, time, effort and such then you will get dragged straight into it and as sure as the sun shines brightly, you'll end up miserable. All those good qualities will disappear, and you'll just see a man who spends his time high on drugs. Yes, he was open about his usage. But did you notice how when you said maybe he should cut down, he suddenly said "He was very concerned". That is classic addict behaviour. All words, yet no action whatsoever. If he was that concerned, he would have started to make changes. He hasn't. All he's done is agree with you to lull you into a false sense of security. He hasn't done anything to stop it. You know from your past experience where this WILL lead. It's not a matter of might, and it doesn't matter that this man has other qualities. Heroin addicts, alcoholics, crack addicts, food addicts etc etc also have qualities, but they are truly outweighed by their addiction and it's the people around them that usually end up in a worse position emotionally. You've been through this before. Don't put yourself through it again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Just simply me  +, writes (13 March 2011):
I do understand where u r coming from on this matter and this subject very well. I have always been against anyone doing drugs and even smoking cigarets for that matter. Myself.., I have never even put a cigaret in my mouth. So being with someone who did.., well.., was totally just out of the question! Until.., I met someone like u as well! That was so wonderful in every way . Then also .., like u I had to make a decision weather to learn to deal with it.., or let him go. He like ur guy.., is a really great guy! Made me laugh., so incredible in every way! And the way he was with my kids!! Was unbelievable ! Him smoking cigarets and some pot . Wasn't worth loosing what I had just found! After many years of searching! So.., I married him! ;) he still smokes. But.., he's a wonderful father and a wonderful husband! All and all.., I'm happy with my decision ! It made me also realize that not all people who have their own small habits that we sometimes pass judgement on them or their situations before actually getting to know them or understand their points of views . Things we often believe to be true and or right may be! For us and our points of views! But.., that's y we r all different ! So.., as for u.., u just have to also decide if he makes u happy enough to overlook his flaw. And if it would be worth it to u. I wish u nothing but the best! And hope my story and situation helps u in some way;)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Is drug addiction a deal breaker for you or not? you should have a very good idea what your standards are by now and to each their own. If it is then you cut it off and if it isn't then you can't really gripe about his habits anymore. If its a deal breaker but you stay with him out of fear and loneliness, you'll just be 10 years older and single again because it won't work. You'll be back to where you are now but with lower self esteem and more baggage and even less men to choose from. Maybe this is life's way of giving you a test to see if you will choose yet another bad relationship that takes you farther away from your dreams.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): idk if this will help but when i met my most amazing bf on the 2nd date i found out that he smoked weed. when i was growing up i always told myself that i would never date someone or do it myself... so i put it in the back of my head told him that it was his life he can do whatever with it as he pleases. so he asked me how i felt i told him straight forward iv never done it nor will i and i dont really care for it to much but im not telling you what to do or not to... ots been 6 months since weve been together and for the last 4 he has been weed free. and cig free :) maybe if u not let it bother u so much and try to help him quit without trying to seem like your trying to change him he may catch on. Good luck though!!
...............................
|
