A
female
age
41-50,
*atieBird
writes:I need help again. Please refer to my last question (about my controlling mother) for more in-depth background information. Really quickly- planning a wedding, mom and her own mother (my grandmother) do not speak. Mom has said she isn't allowed to be invited. (I don't yet know at this point if there is any "or else" attached to that.) I have a good relationship with my grandmother, I would like her to be invited. It is my wedding, I believe it should be my way. I don't think I am being selfish, in fact I think my mother is being selfish. Every idea I put on the table, she comments on. I don't want a wedding cake, I don't want a veil...she will tell me why I'm nuts, or look at me in shock when I tell her these things. I am actually quite laid-back about the whole process, and I like it that way. I think that whatever issues my mom and grandma have is between them, and should not be put onto my shoulders at all. Because they literally do not speak (haven't in almost 20 yrs) I would have to be the one to tell my grandma (who has been dreaming of my wedding since before I was old enough to date!) that she isn't invited. I am not a strong enough person to do such a terrible thing. She would be crushed. I feel that I am supposed to be happy and excited about this wonderful time, and my mom is taking that from me. Instead I am sick to my stomache and can't sleep. Fiance has been great during this awfulness. Thanks everyone.
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female
reader, Crisy  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 You should sit down and explain to your mum that its your wedding and you would feel happy without your Grandma there. I hope you have a lovley 'big day' x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Good point Laura - this may possibly be the day they kiss and make up. Lets hope so. There's too much war in the world these days without having it on your own doorstep!
Phil
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 You should invite your mother and gran.You insist that she must come to your wedding.Whether she wants to go is up to her. She may initially reject your invitations but last minute ,she will go.
This time , it is different because you will be marrying and leaving her for your own family.You are now considered an adult ,no more a child.You have grown up and matured enough to make your own decisions.
I don't know why she cannot make up with her mother. One day it may come around in circle .History may repeat itself.
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A
female
reader, KatieBird +, writes (8 January 2008):
KatieBird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhil- you're right. I think that is all I can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Ok then - put another way - you tell your mother that both she and your grandmother are being invited whether she likes it or not. It's up to her if she decides to stay at home that day.
Phil
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A
female
reader, KatieBird +, writes (8 January 2008):
KatieBird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the kind words. I have stood up to my mother before, many many times. The problem is that she doesn't listen. When I tell her my feelings or "my way" of doing things, she believes I am wrong, inexperienced, and that she is always right. Instead of agreeing to disagree...she just disagrees. She is my mother though. I am not sure that I can be so bold as to tell her she isn't invited.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Hi Katie.
You mustn't give your mother any space to attempt to ruin your wedding day, which sounds like what she'd like to do. For what sounds like the first time in your life, you have to stand up to her and tell her that you and your future husband will be inviting the guests, that she has no part in the process and it's nothing to do with her who comes and who doesn't.
When my son got married his mother, who I've been divorced from for the best part of 20 years, declared that if I was going to his wedding with my new wife, then she wouldn't be going with her new fella. Having declared her intentions she didn't get an invitation and the day passed beautifully without any arguments or any other kind of hassle or bad atmosphere. It was a day to remember - just as any wedding day should be. And she wasn't missed in the least.
Your mother is not the one to decide who is 'allowed' an invite, or what you should wear, or anything else connected to YOUR wedding. Who the hell does she think she is? She needs taking down a peg or two and you need to tell her what's what - the sooner the better. Once she's realised that you've put your foot down and won't tolerate any of her interference she should back off, and you'll be able to sleep at night. If she doesn't then leave her off the list. Don't even send her an invite.
However, if she relents and keeps her nose out you could keep back an invitation card for her if she promises to behave herself nearer the day. She needs to know her place in all this, and you and your future husband need to put on a united front, and together you tell her in no uncertain terms where her place is. Tell her you'd welcome her suggestions if she has any, but if you choose to ignore them that's your prerogative - as is your guest list.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (8 January 2008):
 I have problems like this in my family too. So I understand where you are coming from.
What I would do is...Tell your mother that you love her very much. But you also love your grandmother. Tell her that your Wedding is a special day that you would like to share with BOTH of them. Tell her that it would make you happy if she would please do this favor for you, and accept being around your grandmother for a few hours. If not, then tell her that you are going to invite your grandmother... not out of respect for HER feelings... and that you will make sure that you will seat them FAR APART from one another. If she treatens to not show up because of this... tell her that it would hurt you deeply if she doesn't. (But still do what you feel in your heart is RIGHT. And, inviting your Grandmother is the right thing to do.)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 January 2008):
It is your wedding and not your mother's wedding.You don't have to obey every rules your mum set for your wedding. Go ahead and invite your granny.Tell her to stop treating you like a kid. You are now a matured person and can decide what is best for yourself. Be prepared for some 'strike' actions from her.She may not want to get involved with your wedding .
If your mum does not want to come , it is not your fault. She may tell you that if your gran goes, she will not attend your wedding , but on the real day , she may change her mind because it is your happy day and no mother would want to miss their daughter's wedding.
Your mum should think of the implications of her actions . What your relatives or friends would think of her actions.Maybe , you should let her know this if she is not aware of it.
Your wedding should be a good occasion to bury their hatchet.Let the past be bygones.Forgive and forget. We only live once and your gran is old. Too bad they cannot get along with each other.
Go ahead and invite both and leave the rest to fate.Don't let this problem upset you. It will be resolved sooner or later. Be optimistic and think in a positive way.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Ditto,
Your mother needs to know her place. Your Grandma is the one who is prepared to let bygones be bygones for the sake of her Granddaughter.
There is only one option, tell your mother that you love her but she is not going to receive an invite to the wedding. Be strong, she will relent and it might just help you to stand up to her in the future.
At the end of the day what can she do? Physically force you to stop your Grandmother from coming, no . She is just trying to bully you. Good grief show some spine and tell her that if she brings her attitude along she can forget about being in the wedding party. Let her scream and yell and threaten, it will give you some time to sort things out without her interference.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Your mother is using you and your marriage as a weapon against your gran.
I think you need to stand up to your mother and tell her that the difficulties they have together are not yours, and that your mother needs to stop thinking of herself and start thinking about you and your needs on YOUR wedding day.
On a day that is supposed to be about love and commitment, they don't have to talk to each other but should do only what's best for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): It's your day. Hopefully the best day of your life. If your mother can't accept your invitation list, then she is the one to be left out. Her choice. If she's left at home to sit the day out, that's entirely her problem.
You invite whoever you wish. Again - it's your day, not hers!
Phil
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