A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't understand why she doesn't love me but i know she doesn't. As a child growing up she would hit ONLY me, she once hit me with a sweeping brush over my knees. I have older brothers and she never hit them. She always said she wanted a daughter after having 3 sons then i was born. I'm her only daughter but she treats me so bad. Even tho im 21 now i still try in get her to love me but all she ever does is hurt me. She breaks promises all the time, lies and doesn't care. When my brothers left home she would stay at her boyfriends and leave me in the house with no food or gas and electric for sometimes a week at a time, i was only 13 when she started doing that. I once was so hungry i looked for food in peoples bins, im so ashamed of that. I was sexually abused as a child by some1 else, no one knows. I left home at 15 to live with my grandmother who im very close to, but she's in her 80's now and i couldn't look after her anymore so she is in a nursing home. I'm on my own again, i feel so lonely. I hardly went to school because i had to care for my nana and when i did go i just got bullied. I left school without doing my exams. I'm now trying to find a job but its so hard, no one will give me a chance. I go to interviews and i always get the same letter back that i didn't get the job. Its awful, im not stupid i have brains, i want to learn again but i have no confidence to get help. I'm so shy.I don't have any friends because they all give up on me when i couldn't go out because i had to care for my grandmother. I've never even been clubbing, i want to work with old people because i have experience from looking after my nana but when i was 15 me and my brother had a fight and things got broken in the living room, my mum rang the police only on me even tho we were both in the wrong, i was given a caution now thats going to affect me working with old people. I don't drink or do drugs unlike my brothers but yet my mum hates me. I want her out my life but i cant seem to keep her away its like i go back after every time she's let me down or hurt me for more punishment. How do i move on from her? I just want my mum to love me even after everything she has done i know thats never gonna happen, its like she has some hold on me.
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 I grew up in a similar situation, so I understand your pain. I never understood why my mother didn't love me the way she did my siblings. I still don't, but as an adult I have come to understand that my mother is simply a broken human who was raised by broken humans. She couldn't give me anything that wasn't given to her growing up. The only thing I can control is that I don't become a broken human and that I don't do anything to make my children broken humans. You are not your mother; unlike her, you are incapable of cruelty and despite all she's done, you still have the capacity to love. This shows how wonderful you really are and the beauty of your soul. Don't feel as though there is something wrong with you because there isn't; your mother is the one with the problem,not you.
Instead of seeking her love, you have to learn to set boundaries. Until you are stronger and get your life in order, you may need to limit your contact with your mum. I know it's hard, but you need to surround yourself with people who are supportive and your mum is not that person. Use the same strength that got you through your childhood and start to build a life for yourself.
Dr. Psych gave you some excellent suggestions on ways you can get some independence from your mother. Please PM me if you want to chat more.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 June 2010):
 You cannot control how your mother responds to you. I understand that you have had a terrible childhood and adolescence. You now have two choices - you let what has happened victimise you forever or you can set out a plan to change your life drastically. Having a caution as a juvenile does not necessarily ban you from care-work. If you live in England or Wales, you have to disclose 'spent convictions' (including cautions) when you do the enhanced disclosure check for working with vulnerable people. It is best to be honest when you apply for jobs and write to the police citing the Data Protection Act to get a copy of your record with them. It will show the exact date and reason for your caution. Agencies are desperate for care workers so they may well take you on in a junior supervised role.
You should approach the NSPCC as what you have experienced is both physical abuse, neglect and sexual abuse. Their helpline can put you in touch with local psychological services to help you come to terms with what has happened. You should also seek help from the local council with regards to housing. I left home at 18 and the sense of independence is very important to some people. I didn't have the best relationship with my mother growing up (although it was nothing on your situation) but it did improve with the imposed distance of me moving out.
Connexions (google them) can advise you on career and education. There is no reason why you cannot go back part-time and do some qualifications, or go down the NVQ care route. They can tell you what is available locally and if you are from a low income household then you can get an education maintenance allowance on top of other benefits to keep you afloat until you get qualified.
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