A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone, i just wanted to ask a question. my mother is just getting over breast cancer. she got chemo and is doin ok now. but this happening to her has really struck a cord with me. its like it brought to light how easily she cud be taken from me. im 30. i have an older brother and my dad is around too but i absolutely could not imagine livin a life without my mother! i dont even think i wud want to live. how does somebody actually go on without their mother?? its just wen i look at her now i see a vulnerable side. i have a constant fear that the cancer will come back. and if it does...how do we deal wit it? what do we do then? i dont want a life dat my mother isnt in! id be devastated if anything happened to her! i cant begin to imagine the pain you wud go through when you lose your mother! i dont even know what my question is really..... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 I lost my mom to cancer at age 35. It sucks. there is nothing to make it hurt less. I thought I was going to be ok... after all I was 35, I had two children, I was divorced owing my own home etc... but after 18 years of my mom being gone I still cry every time I talk about it.... EIGHTEEN YEARS and I STILL CRY....
I will NOT sugar coat this... losing a mother is the WORST thing a woman can go through... even my 60+ year old friends who still have their moms suffer greatly when MOM dies.
My gay brother who was even closer to my mom than I was (and yes I said gay for a reason as it suits the stereotype enough to get my point across) misses her but NOT like I do.
My dad misses her but NOT like I do. the relationship of a MOTHER to an adult daughter is unlike any other relationship a person will have. I do not for a second believe men can understand this.
I'm glad your mom is in recovery. We never had that luxury. Mom was diagnosed and died 10 months later. We lived every second together we could at that time although she was in a different state... I flew down to see her EVERY OTHER WEEKEND during this time and when the end came I took a leave of absence from work and I was with her 24/7 till the end. I think that this helped me cope more than anything. I held her hand while she took her last breath.
You cannot and should not live worrying about if the cancer will return... just live and love the best you can
and YES when mom goes you will mourn even if you have 30 more years with her which I hope you do.
If you want to know how women cope there is a great book called "motherless Daughters"
http://www.amazon.com/Motherless-Daughters-Legacy-Second-Edition/dp/0738210269
there are support groups and web sites.. I belong to a motherless daughters group on facebook... sometimes their pain kills me and my guilt over losing my mother at 35 and whining about it gets to me.
I think about these girls who lose their mothers in childbirth (I have a friend who is raising a grandchild because of this.. this girl will NEVER know her mother) or girls who lose a mom to cancer before puberty and then have NO ONE to go to... I thought menopause without my mom sucked... puberty has to be ten times worse.
I'm not saying your wrong to fear losing your mom... but you must look at how long you have had her... and be grateful for all that time.
Don't worry about it till you have to... you are taking away from what should be a joyous time.. SHE BEAT CANCER... enjoy your time with her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013):
My mother and I had the relationship where we were both good friends and she was also my mum .. I would say to my friends the umblicial cord hadn't been cut, it had just stretched ..
I lost my mother in 2002 very quickly , it did not help the poor hospital care but that is another story .. I can't remember the first year after my mother passed I went about on auto pilot, I am married and we had out son at that time .. ( we now have two more) I do however remember my mothers words. She knew within herself she was getting called home so she tried to make it as easy as she could .. She would say things like ' every strand if hair on your head is counted ' and ' you won't go before your time'
She also said ' it is not me. Who is there when I die. Don't cry, it's just my shell. I'm all ready gone '. Of course I cried I still do daily, Sometimes with happiness. Or times with hurt and sadness and needing my mother .. As even at reaching 40 I still need my mother ..
I wanted to reach out and give you something concrete of my experience and everyone is diffirent .
What I totally agree with is C grant. - and the point of not dwelling on what will be at some point .. But loving and living your life with your mother while you both have and love each other ..
My mother would say : everyday is a miracle .. And by gee she was right ..
Take care sweetie and please post as much as you need to..
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 It's natural to have these questions run through your mind when a parent has a serious illness. We don't know what the future will bring. Your mother could have decades more. I'll bet that if you talk to her about this she'll tell you that she doesn't want you to waste your energy on unproductive worry. I'll further bet that she would hate to hear you say you don't want to live in a world without her -- surely she has raised you to be an independent adult who can stand on her own two feet. We don't honour out parents by cratering when they do eventually go, we honour them by carrying on and passing the best of them along to our children.
It will happen one day -- it does to all of us. When the time comes we all figure out a way to cope, even if it seems impossible. I can tell you that the pain of it actually happening isn't diminished by anticipating it. Your time and energy are used far more productively by enjoying your mother's company while you can, and conducting the relationship in such a way that you'll have no regrets of things left unsaid after she's gone.
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