A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:O.K. this is kind of childish I know. I live with my parents cause I'm jobless and have a lot of debt. My mother told me a friend of hers ask her if I know how to cook and my mother told her I knew how to but my food was always 'tasteless'. I'm trying to translate from a spanish word that basically means the food lacks saltiness, and "tasteless" is the only word I can come up with. The thing is I basically never cook and she knows it. I only make things for me sometimes. My mother always does the cooking and sometimes I find her cooking on the salty side. I used to cook when I was growing up and she was my teacher. I once made a salty rice and decided then I should use less salt and flavorings because you can fix an unsalty food but you cannot fix a salty food. I also used to cook when I was in College and I lived with a roomate. I sometimes shared and received many unsolicited compliments. I know my food is not tasteless.I basically never cook anything other than frying things here and there and fixing sandwiches and making quick stuff like a lot of singles do. If my cooking is not as salty as hers Why doesn't she understand I cook for MY tastebuds and not for anyone else's. She has complimented my cooking before Why she says that now? I'm kind of pissed. My question is Should I be offended by what she said or is it normal 'mother who thinks she can cook better than anyone' stuff? Isn't that like disrespectful coming from your own mother? Even more when she is telling it to someone who's who's not even a close friend?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 mmmmmm..... you sound so much like me, it's very funny.
Read back this post, your moods keep changing like the wind.
1. First your hurt and sensetitive over small things
2. Then your abrupt and to the point
3. Then you get angry and explain your position very well
4. Today went well and your happy and bubbly
With depression you don't always just feel down, your emotions and moods are up and down. They make you exhausted, and people find it hard to be with you. They never know what mood you will be in.
Please, please think about seeing a doctor. Not all tablets make you feel sleepy. They will give you different tablets until they find one that suits you.
And yes, now you mention your mother's childhood difficulties, I can well believe that she's been abusive in very many ways. My mother is like that as well.
I'm glad your happy today... but I want you to go to the doctor and let them help to stabilize your moods. Untreated depression can get worse, and as my doctor says "aren't you tired and exhausted by all this stuff"
Otherwise, your lifestyle has to change. You need to eat well and exercise. Food and exercise will help pump out the happy chemicals and will also help to regulate your emotions. Eating badly is contributing to the way you feel.
lol.. you had a good day today, remember that when things get overwhelming... :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thanks to everyone. I just got home from a class. I'm trying to keep busy. It's funny because my majors are in psychology. I guess that's why I haven't done anything stupid. I also try to keep focused in my church and that helps too. My family is not Christian and I'm trying to keep a 'somewhat' good testimony before them. That's why I have to keep up with a lot of their stuff. Also because as a psychologist (organizational psychologist not clinical) I should know better and as a Christian too. The problem is I have no real friends so everything gets bottled up. I have not gone to the doctor yet but I'm going to. I just don't want those pills that make me go sleepy all day but I could try something. I've been optimistic but sometimes I totally lose it. My mother hasn't healed many wounds of her childhood so she doesn't have the emotional stability to handle the sadness of what I'm going through. I try to give her hints but I think deep inside she is trying to avoid the subject. She always interrupt me and tries to say positive things but that doesn't help. Empathy does help. It's good you all listened (read). You have made me feel a litle better. Thanks Miamine, Mariedlady and the others. Sorry for being rude. Guess we all woke up today on the emotional side.(lol) OK english is not my first language so sorry if I've mispelled something or written incoherent things.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 April 2010):
Got to admit it's the aunts and uncles here at dear cupid who pulled me out of my hole and taught me how to laugh again...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): way to go miamine. i knew that wonderful heart of yours would go out to this girl. you can relate to her and i cant. i can listen, hug, cry, laugh, but not like you can. you've been there girlfriend. out here on walton mountain, well you know how it is. i can mother this gal and i will if given the chance but you and vintage...you can relate. hugs mia. im proud of ya woman.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Sigh.. sorry babes, you've been in my thoughts for most of the day.... I wish I had the nice words like Mal, to make you feel special and beautiful and tell you everything will be alright... Your mother dosen't have any idea how your suffering, if she knew she would give you the world..
Sigh.... damn... Talk to Mal, or one of the other aunts, they are nice people who know how to say nice words.. and I think you need them badly, as well as a big hug.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
About mothers who don't have time to realise how badly your suffering.. my family were like that... what I did was scream, shout and break down. I stopped being polite, I stopped trying,, I threw away the pride and said, "people damn it, I bloody need help... now, not after I'm dead and buried, when you'll all say, I wish I had known, I would have helped." (of course, a couple of dramatic incidents also helped)
You did it here, do it with them.. it's hard to ask for help, usually we got to much pride to shout so they can hear us..
If your having problems telling your mother that you need her more than ever, take a short cut. Print out this post and show it to her.
Good luck, your not dead yet and neither am I.. we just got to keep living and fighting until the day we die.
PS: What do you have qualifications in... cooking perhaps.. :) (bad joke)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Ah.. bingo.. thanks for your update, now I can understand why you sounded so abrupt and to the point.. (rude)
Yep, know the feeling, my life got destroyed by sickness too. Not going to tell you to be cheerful, dosen't work with depression we got to be realistic... your sick, your in pain, and all your goals, your dreams, every damn thing you've worked for has just melted away...
So what do we do... me and you...I'm perfectly fine, just sitting here waiting until dying time...
But your younger than me... sigh... and a whole lot brainier, sickness messed up my studies..
Clinically depressed, yep I got that.. are you on tablets, mine sure help my mood a lot. Go to the doctors and get some tablets if you can, they helped me, they might help you.
Have you tried counselling, they really help at helping you see what you can do, instead of what you can't.. They put things in perspective..
I've a feeling you've tried this and more... how about you shout and scream at me and see if it helps a little..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): poster if you need someone to talk to, please pm one of us. there are more than a few kind people on this site who will do their best to help you. feel free to send us a message and we will try to help in any way we can. the thing about life is that so much of the time we cannot change our circustances. or we cannot change them much, and we cannot change the people around us. we can only change ourselves. so many of the people on here have some really hard things to deal with in life. some harder and some not as hard as yours...we help one another. please reach out to someone and let them be a friend to you. miamine has shook the bars of your cage a little but she is a grand person to have as a friend...she will do to lean on. vintage64 is a wonderful caring person who would love to help you, and im sure the others would too. the choice is yours to pull out of the place of despondency that you are in. depression is treatable and loneliness is a choice to an extent. we are here to help. mal
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
lol.. Mal, your a hell of a lot nicer than "narrow minded me"...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI recently discovered I have fybromialgia plus other conditions, I've been unemployed for years even when I have two university titles and debt because of those university titles. I have professional licenses, and almost a professional certification, I have tried my absolutely best (being optimistic, listening to others, inviting people to go out, planning parties, smiling a lot) and I have no friends. I changed religions, churches, and graduated college and lost friends in the process. Don't judge my social skills because I even got a Friendship Award years ago when I graduated from modeling academy. I also lead a Club and a Fan Club when younger. Everyone is busy with their own lives and everyone wants to hear only happy things. People in my church don't listen. My mother is just interested in her friend's problems and doesn't realize I need someone to be empathetic. My sister is just a copy of my mother. I'm dying of loneliness. I don't need more rejection. I just cannot take it. I'm clinically depressed. Do not expect me to be happy and emotionally stable because I can't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): okay poster i take back part of what i said. if your mother is regularly abusive and negative, that is one thing...but if your only complaint is that she said your food is tastless that seems petty. i have a son that puts hot sauce on everything. if someone asked me thats what i would say. another daughter puts fajita seasoning on everything. even her mashed potatoes...i dont care for it and if i were asked i would say. however i dont say it just to put them down. they are both very good cooks in their own right.
the issue seems to be about more than just food. if that is the case then you are within your rights to ask for respect. in turn you should be respectful. i am a firm believer that even a child should be treated with respect. i think i jumped the gun on this one and i apologize. mal
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Yep, knew you'd respond just like that....
As I said before, you appear to be rude and insulting, as well as childish and immature.... Your the one who is disrespectful and you need to take a good look in the mirror.
I have a feeling, that your fed up living at home with no money and feeling that life is passing you by. Of course you'll never admit it, instead your a grown 30year old woman who is crying because your mother says that your food needs more salt...
Why don't you just go and talk to her about what the real problems are. We have tons of people here who know exactly what abuse is. I don't have much patience for a woman who gets "pissed off" cause her mother criticizes her food.
You don't take advice or criticisms very easily do you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): then next time you post you should make sure you clarify....opposing views not welcome...i am not looking for answers or help, i only want nice and kind hugs. please do not answer if you are not going to say my mother is rude. and that means you miamine...and mal. woohoo. shoulda warned us up front. i think you need an attitude adjustment my dear. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVintage64 I think that's the problem. She has been regularly verbally abusive. Things changed for the better when I confronted her years ago. I read about disfunctional families and toxic parents and identified myself with that. She started and argument and I responded with so many truths she realized she was the one with the problems and started respecting me more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine I didn't post a question here to be judged by you. Clearly you have a narrow mind and your contribution here is of no help.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
To bad you didn't want proper advice at all...
First, your follow up was very abrupt, almost to the point of rudeness...
Secondly, your living in her house, your unemployed, so why aren't you interested in helping out... "The thing is I basically never cook and she knows it. I only make things for me sometimes."
Your kind of "pissed off" about what she said... well your 30years old, unemployed and you can't be bothered to cook for anyone but yourself... your mum is normal, better than normal, a lot of mothers would show you the door because of your attitude.
If you speak to your mother, the way you've spoken to us, I'd say that probably your the disrespectful one... No one is too big to learn, and when your living in your parents house, their wishes and desires matter most, not yours.
Yep, your post and your attitude is childish, you sound more like 16 than a grown woman in her 30's.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 April 2010):
 What you have here is two mature women living in the same house. There is going to be competition, jealousy, arguing, bent feelings, even fights. I think this is the saddest thing that happens between mothers and daughters, but it is biological to the point of almost being an instinct. Watch your feelings on this, she probably meant no offense towards you. And, only a fool would take offense when none was intended. You need to keep things on an even keel around the house, because you need to live there for some time. Remember that you love your Mom and that she is doing a lot to help you.
Now a note about aging. As people get older their taste buds wear out. They tend to want spicier and spicier foods. What tastes good to young people will taste bland to older people. Also saltiness varies quite a bit between people. I have a coworker who, due to a chemical imbalance uses enough to gag you.
Too bad you didn't want cooking advice I could go on for hours. The main thing is to realize that your feelings are coming from a natural instinct to compete. When you think about it that way, you will realize that you really don't care if you are a better cook than Mom. Look for approval from her in other areas. Do your best to get out from under that burden of debt. That is going to be the most impressive to her.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): Does she make negative remarks about other things, or it is just the cooking?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): My mom is an excellent cook and baker, I have to admit, and she'll ask how everything tastes when she cooks something, but gets REALLY offended if anyone constructively criticizes anything. You can say it in the most subtle way, and she'll get quiet and start arguing haha. Yet she will cut up anything anyone else ever cooks.. I think mothers are just like that, because they always want to believe their cooking is better, no matter what. So don't let it bother you one bit.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
No she's not offensive, she's just giving her opinion, and yes most mothers are like that...
Hope this answers your question.
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (15 April 2010):
 you should be offended if its not positive its negative your mother should not be making little negative comments about you bottom line put your foot down.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 I would not get worked up over this, ... so what if you can't cook, and so what if you can and your mother put's it down.
Mothers do that, think they can do everything better than their daughters lol. My mum does this to me, and yes she is a good cook, but I too happen to be a very good cook by umm everyones standards. People often say my food is better than going to a restaurant, ..but nope, ask my mum and I am doing it all wrong lol.
I let it go in one ear and out the other. blah, blah, blah, yep right mum lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has hardly ever tasted anything from me. And if I cook I do it for myself and nobody should care. I'm hard to please with food. I'm very skinny. Thanks but I'm not looking for cooking advice since I just want to please myself when I cook and I do. The question is if it's offensive what she said or mothers are like that.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Either your food is great or it's not...... I used to be the worst cook in the world, but I got tired of people laughing at me, so I bought myself a book and studied it as hard as I could...
Now I'm not the worst cook in the world.... probably I'm the second worst, and that's a big improvement for me... :)
What do you want your mother to do? Lie? Improve your cooking, go and get some lessons from her, and then you'll cook better than her and she'll get jealous and she'll hate it.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 If what she says is true,then try to improve your cooking.
If it is untrue, just ignore those remarks. Don't take it too hard.
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