A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am finding that every time I have a telephone conversation or see my Mother I am left either slightly bewildered or depressed and down. This situation has gone on for years and I have tried lots of different approaches. She lives with my Dad nearly 3 hours away so not on the doorstep - which is actually beneficial at keeping the distance. However, she still manages to have this effect on me from afar. I have tried having it out with her (which has resulted in even worse tension)to trying to be nice to overcome it (which makes me feel worse on the inside later)and trying to keep her at arms length and the contact to a minimum (which is what I am doing at the moment). She seems to have a knack of making comments that somehow undermine me or put me in my place or make me fearful "You shouldn't...." "You musn't...." etc are her favourite sentences. She also retains information about my life and comes back with her take on it later - as if she has had to think long and hard about a way to pick something negative out about it. She will have an opinion on little things about my decisions / choices in life. Her and my father are often negative about others - their appearance, religion or race which I find shameful. My mother interfered in my marriage - using so many tactics to keep us together even emotionally blackmailing me to stay in it despite my obvious unhappiness. I am now divorced and she was in bits over it saying that it affected her terribly - she denies she knew what was going on - this is to keep up appearances with her friends. My parents were unable to support me emotionally through my divorce because it was just too much for them to bear so I had to shoulder it all myself. I have a poor relationship with my sister and my mother has always told me the spiteful remarks my sister has made about me behind my back and has been very divisive between us - to the extent I can hardly bring myself to speak with my sister now. Whenever I have brought up issues or 'fought back' my Dad lays into me and sticks up for my mother when I retaliate. He has always always put her first before me (and my sister) and because she was ill recently even more reason I cannot say anything which might upset her or maker her stressed out. When I have seen her face to face I am often having to lift her spirits and she says how much I help her which keeps me in 'duty' mode. I have no idea why I come off the phone feeling so down sometimes its only when I reflect on the conversation that I realise the subtle yet undermining comments. Even when I ask her to not say certain things she will comply for a couple of months and then she is unable to and it all starts again. Mum said once that having children is not the most amazing thing in the world and that given her time again she is not sure she would do it. She also told me that Dad wasn't that bothered about having children. I am in my 40s and just don't know how to handle it all - I dread speaking to them. My friends have said they would have walked away from it. The thing is I am not like that but I am finding it is affecting my ability to establish a relationship with a man because I cannot see what I have to offer and dread the opinion of my parents stopping me being happy. I find myself envious of friends that get on so well with their parents and yet I dread Christmas from one year to the next. Any advice from someone who has experienced similar and maybe has a strategy would be so much appreciated. Thank you for reading this post.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 I would start making the weekly (or monthly) phone conversation short and sweet, do NOT let her LEAD the conversation, choose topics that are NOT about YOUR life - in a sense do not give her ammo for next conversation.
DO NOT let her opinion RULE your life. ACCEPT that THIS is who she is. My guess is NO ONE is "perfect" in her eyes, that she feels she needs to "correct" everyone, but mostly you... BECAUSE you allow it.
My grandmother was like that with my mom. My mom would at times be on the verge of tears over what my grandmother would say to her. I would then spend time cheering my mom up and let her laugh at it. Over time my mom and I would actually have this ongoing "joke" that was my grandmother's rants (not especially nice of us) but I DO know that the last few years of my grandmothers life my mom resigned herself to accept that my grandmother was a condescending witch (with a B). And she learned how to change the subject and make for more cheerful conversations. She took my grandmother to flower-shows (one of my grandmother's great passions) and THAT became a big topic something my grandmother really couldn't talk smack about. My mom SIMPLY refused to listen to crap.
It took my mom a long time to get there, but they had weekly chats that didn't bring my mom down.
I used to visit my grandmother too, once a week/fortnight and she was never negative with me (or my brother) just my mom, til my mom put her foot down in her own way.
And like Mystiquek mentioned, MAKE the phone calls SHORT and sweet.
Chin up.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 June 2014):
 I forgot to mention...I live 2000 miles away from her so I don't see her that often our conversations are mostly on the phone so I understand what you mean. Distance can be a good thing. I never talk to my mother longer than 10-15 minutes at a time because I know the conversation will start to turn bad. I call frequently but for very short periods of time. If she starts steering the conversation in a way I don't want it to go, I either change the subject or tell her I have another call so things don't turn into an argument. She can bring me to tears in less than a minute if I allow her to do so. I truly do understand what you are going through. You love them, but you don't always like them. Hang in there!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 June 2014):
I have a "love/hate" relationship with my mother. I am 52, she is 78. I tried for years to understand her but have realized that I never will. We are as different as night and day. I respect and love her because she is my mother. I don't like her as a person. She is just not the type of person I'd want as a mother but she is mine. I have learned to let whatever she says go in one ear and out the other. She just can never be happy for anything I do or anything that happens. If she gives a compliment, its a back handed one. My father was the buffer between us but he passed away 6 months ago and I have just learned to keep conversations very short and never say anything personal. Yes she can still upset me deeply if I let her so I don't let her. My sister has the same problem. You have to learn to just let go and accept that your mom is the way that she is, and isn't going to change. A wise friend told me this and I have never forgotten it..."you can pick your friends and your mate, but your family you get what you get. You dont pick them and you don't always like them but thats what you have". It might help you to remember that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 June 2014):
 The behaviour and interactions between you and your Mother are "textbook." I'm sure that oodles of Daughters (and Sons, too) could have written this...
My assessment is that you Mother is older (than you, of course) and isn't likely to change, any time soon (probably; not at all). So you have to reconcile that (that she's NEVER going to be "nice" to you).... and it then becomes incumbent upon YOU to determine how YOU will react to "who she is."
My advice is to let her barbs, jibes and all other unpleasant offerings "run off you back" (Like the proverbial "water off a duck's back"). YOU never let yourself believe that you can match her.... unpleasantness for unpleasantness.... since that does nothing to advance the communications between you and her... and doesn't do a darn thing to advance the human condition...
With some practice (Lord, knows, it isn't easy to do as I've suggested).... you will find that what she says, how she behaves... will ultimately have just about NO effect on you... and you can proceed with YOUR pleasant life, whilest SHE wallows in her nastiness and vitriole....
By an interesting coincidence, my SO is going through just about exactly what you are.....
Good luck.....
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