A
female
age
30-35,
*osaa
writes:Dear agony aunts,First of all, I’d like to say that I am not a native English speaker so please, forgive my spelling mistakes!Sooo, here is the story. I am 24 and I live at my mother’s place with my younger sister (16 years old) – and no father - after spending 6 years abroad by myself.First of all my mother is very often in a bad mood, shouting at times, insulting us when she is very mad. I try to calm her down but it never really works and I always try to suck it in even when she tells me to get lost or that I’m a bad bitch.Then, she is very strict and protective. She works at a place where she sees crazy stuff everyday and thinks that it is what will happen to me or my sis. I can’t meet new people neither go out with my colleagues. She likes going out though and wants us to go everywhere with her otherwise, another crisis comes and we are selfish bitches. When we are out with her and she meets up friends, we are bored by ourselves and she doesn’t even care.You would say, just leave girl! But here is the problem: she’s very sick. That is why I try to do what she asks me. When she says no, I agree so that she won’t get angry and her health won’t be at stake. As a single mother, she made many sacrifices and I try to understand her. Moreover, I don’t want to leave my sister who isn’t 18 yet. What shall I do? I have tried to talk, to cry, to get my father to talk to her. I thought about going abroad again but I’ll miss my sis and grandparents so much. Plus, now I have made some friends so I don’t want to leave again. I thought about moving out but my job doesn’t pay well and I have a loan to pay back. I feel stuck. When I don’t work, I am at home and see the sadness of the situation through my sister’s eyes everyday….Please help. I know she likes us but I feel like I can’t anymore. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Rosaa +, writes (6 December 2014):
Rosaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,Thank you to both of u for ur answers!I have checked the definition of "narcissistic parent" and it seems like it is my case...all those years I have tried beeing the person she wanted however, I lack affection for her... that's so terrible to say, though...To answer your questions:- My sis was looking after my mother while I was abroad and she might leave next year for her studies.- My mother used to have a tumor and she had a surgery a while ago. Since that time, she has periodic fainting, diabete, high colesterine,hypertension, sleeping trouble. 70% of the time she's ok but thank god my sis or me were close to her when she fainted otherwise it might have been really dangerous for her.-When I just talk to her about going out with friends she's getting so angry already. She's shouting then she's sitting as if not feeling well. I don't want her to be sick because of me.- I do believe she loves us though, otherwise she wouldnt have paid for my studies and she wouldnt have tried to educate us by herself. Just, sometimes I wonder, I think I had better not been born. She might have had a better life and maybe no disorder at all.Shall I then try convincing her to consult a psychologist? Shall I just pack my things and go, whatever she says even when my sis might have a hard time coping with her in the future? I feel lostThanks so much!!
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (3 December 2014):
You say that you can't move out for two reasons, one being that your mother is sick?What care do you provide for her that requires you to live with her? You say that she works and goes out socialising with friends so I assume that you don't have to physically feed her and dress her and help her use the toilet? Most other physical aspects of care can usually be provided by someone who lives elsewhere but visits regularly.Is she receiving treatment and complying with a treatment regimen? If so, I suggest you speak to her doctors (and other adult family members) and state that you are unable to cope with the demands of caring for your mother and see what they suggest. Who looked after your mother whilst you lived abroad?I get the impression that her sickness is a psychological one. And I have a feeling that the first poster is right - your mother may have a personality disorder. Read up on the "narcisisstic parent" and "enmeshment" to see if these terms apply. If they do, I'm afraid there's little you can say or do to get your mother to change her views on life. It's more about learning to cope with them.At your age, you can choose to live independantly. Is there any reason that you can't move out but remain nearby at least until your sister is 18 and old enough to legally leave home too?What would your mother actually do if you said "Mum, I'm an adult and I'm allowed to go out with my friends" and then just went ahead and did it? (Or what do you think she'd do if you've never tried)If she responds with physical violence, then you need to report this to the police and your younger sister's school. No-one should have to live under the threat of physical violence.If it's just shouting and insults, you may just have to let them slide off your back and ignore them and understand it's just the way your mother is. Hard as that may be - it's nothing to do with you - it's all to do with your mother's insecurities.If her usual response is to have a massive crisis which can only be resolved by your immediate presence, then I think that your mother probably falls squarely into the "narcissistic parent" category.Most people have to deal with this type of parent by withdrawing from their parents (at least slightly) and being very firm about what they will and will not do for their parent. Some people may need therapy or counselling to help them achieve this as they experience a lot of guilt because they worry how their parent will cope without them catering to their every need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): Read about "narcissistic parents". Your mother sounds very much like it.
One thing that you are doing wrong is try to reason with her. She will never understand what she is. I am not see she loves you both. I don't think she does. She only loves herself. Unfortunately you will need at one point to break from her, thereis no other way. You will never change her, but you can't be living like this for much longer.
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