A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother is making things really difficult for me.I've been with my BF for almost 6 months...it's my first serious relationship. He's a great guy and treats me well. I also live with my parents as I bought a property with them last year.I slept over at his place 3 months after we started dating and my mother lost it and wouldn't talk to me for a week. I then got a huge lecture and it took her a long time to get over this. I stopped sleeping over because I just couldn't deal with the way she was treating me. I guess I gave her the control over me but I dare not imagine what would have happened if I continued.I brought him home to meet my parents a few weeks ago and although my dad was ok, I could see that my mother wasn't that accepting of him.Just tonight I told her that I won't be home for dinner tomorrow and she blew up again. She told me that since I've been with him I'm not spending time with the family, that I've become a different person, a stranger and so on. She thinks that I should not be eating at his house or hanging out there...she thinks that going out for a drink or an icecream is ok!!!She then told me to do what I want but that I will see what she's talking about when everything blows up in my face.I know she wants the best for me but I can't deal with this. I'm 26!!! I really can't move out as this would include selling the home we're in and creating even bigger problems.I told her that if I do what makes me happy, then she won't be happy...she has no answer to this...she stormed off to bed tonight and here I am unable to sleep.I really don't know what to do. I am scared that this will affect my relationship with my boyfriend. I can't stop seeing him because that will achieve nothing. I also can't find a happy medium.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Thanks to all of you for your input...it helps to get opinions on this. Yeah, I know she has control over me...but I just haven't found a way to stop that yet. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): She controls you because you allow her to.
Simple problem=simple answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): You mom is simply having a difficult time accepting that you are an adult who has a head of her own on her shoulders. You are living with your parents, but it is different when you have actually bought a house with them. Then you are not living at your parents, but sharing a house with them. There's a difference there! While growing up the kids hear this "as long as you love under my roof, what I say goes". You are not living under "their" roof anymore, you bought your own share of that roof, and so you are living under your own roof!
Explain that to your mother and let her throw her tantrums, but do NOT back off your principles. You have the right to see whomever you want, whenever you want. If your parents can't stand living with the adult you, then they need to find other arrangements, and you stay put. After a while, your mom should calm down and realize this isnt the end of the world.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Sit her down, make her a cup of tea, then talk to her. Tell her you are 26, and while you appreciate her concern its time she let the apron strings fray a little. Tell her she has raised you to be able to make decisions and think clearly so her present attitude is difficult to understand.
Ask her how old she was when she first started going out with dad. Ask her why the double standards.
Explain that her attitude towards your boyfriend is making you unhappy, almost unhappy enough to move out.
Tell her if she has a valid reason to be concerned about your relationship now is the time to tell you it.
If she does explain her concerns dont dismiss them out of hand, at least give them some consideration, although it sounds to me she is worried that if you find somebody and move out she and your father may be left in a difficult financial situation.
Take it easy but be FIRM
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 February 2010):
Just to add... I also had intimidating parents who have been known to throw a punch on occasion if I didn't tow the line. But the truth is their bark is worse than their bite. If you dont do as she says what really can she do to you at the end of the day? Once you realize that the power they have over you is intangible then you get the nerve to speak up for yourself. Just confront; if they are punch throwers like mine were just dodge out of the way. If you are paying the mortgage which is an adult responsibility then they should treat you like one. Or you tell them to buy you out of your contribution thus far and you threaten to move out to start a new life. They won't call your bluff, believe me. If they do then the 2 week absence will drive your point home.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (2 February 2010):
Just to add... I also had intimidating parents who have been known to throw a punch on occasion if I didn't tow the line. But the truth is their bark is worse than their bite. If you dont do as she says what really can she do to you at the end of the day? Once you realize that the power they have over you is intangible then you get the nerve to speak up for yourself. Just confront; if they are punch throwers line mine were just dodge out of the way. If you are paying the mortgage which is an adult responsibility then they should treat you like one. Or you tell them to buy you out of your contribution thus far and you threaten to move out to start a new life. They won't call your bluff, believe me. If they do then the 2 week absence will drive your point home.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (2 February 2010):
You are absolutely right to want your space and be able to do as you please. At 26 was she still single and living with her parents under lock and key? At the same time you have to see that she is acting this way because she is worried that you may fall pregnant and be abandoned out of wedlock. My thinking is that you should sit her down and tell her you can't take her behaviour any more and you are moving out for 2 weeks. Tell her that if after two weeks she can't accept your relationship then you would rather permanently stay out of their home. Ofcourse you have to speak calmly and politely but firmly. If she is anything like my mother its quite scary to confront her but it has to be done. Then move out and she will seriously think about her behaviour towards you. If you can't do it face to face then leave a note and go. That's how I woke mine up years ago. But never forget that she loves you, hence her panic, so just reassure her that you won't get pregnant or anything stupid (right??). Good luck
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