A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Both my parents were teens when they had me (mom was a month from 18, dad had just turned 19 five days before). My dad was the one who wanted to keep me and my mom was very reluctant. She had big plans for college and a career and she had to give all of that up because my dad basically forced her. Adoption was out of the question because my dad refused to sign any papers, and my mom didn't even know she was pregnant until it was too late for an abortion.22 years later, they've been married for 21 years and then had my two younger sisters proceeding me. I'm a recent college graduate and my middle sister has been in the USAF for two years (she's going career). My youngest sister JUST started her freshman year of college.The dilemma? My mom has been emotionally numb since my youngest sister was born. Yeah, I guess as a mother, she's happy her kids are making good decisions and making something of themselves but she's never truly THERE. She didn't cry when any of us started driving or graduated high school or our move-in days for college or my middle sister's graduation from Basic.And to be quite honest, I'm the one who basically mothered my sisters. I was there to listen to my youngest sister bitch and cry about her first love cheating on her and breaking up with her a day later. I was the one my middle sister first went to when she decided she wanted to join the USAF and asked for my support. She didn't even have to ask: I can not believe how proud I am of her!My dad has been dealing with my mom's emotional unavailability since the week they got married. I don't know how he does it but he's the glue that keeps us together. In fact, I think it'd be best if they divorced. I mean, all of us kids are very well old enough to take care of ourselves and I'm actually in my own apartment with my live-in boyfriend of three years (a guy my mom didn't even care to meet). I wish my parents would just leave it all behind and start being happy elsewhere.I don't know if it's the fact that my mom missed out on all the stuff she wanted to do prior to pregnancy or if she has a serious mental issue that will soon become hard to bear or hard to handle. All I know is that I want her to get better but nothing is working for her.Now, I'm not one to cry and be all mopey about a parent being inattentive; believe me, I'm quite used to it. But now that things are looking up and there are no more fights (that us kids are forced to listen to), I wish I start helping amend the issue. My mom has attempted suicide no less than four times and has tried every anti-depressant known to America so far and nothing works. At first my boyfriend was all for me helping my mother because she's my mother but we've been together long enough for him to realize there may not be any turning back for her. It sucks to admit that but it may be true.I just want to help her... she's my mother. What can I do?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 It is a difficult situation. I am in a bit of a similar situation myself actually, so if it helps you are not alone. I will not direct this at your mother, but at both of your parents.
What Im thinking is that your parents are responsible for themselves. They have to take care of themselves, and they are certainly old enough to take responsibility for themselves. The trouble here, as far as I can see, is that them not taking very great care of themselves has an effect on you. The effect is that you are becoming unable to care for yourself, because for one you have to be bothered by your parents, but second is that by growing up with an emotionally detached mom you might have learned from her how to behave. I am not sure how your father was at raising you, but you do learn from your mother whether you want to or not.
This means you could also be like your mother to some extent, even without realizing. The problem then becomes that you don't know how to handle certain situations, because you simply weren't raised with the knowledge. Then again, you do sound like you have made it through fine. But thats just based on the little you have written.
So here is my conclusion. You can not help your mother more than you can, if that makes sense. You are doing what you can do. And in the end, it is up to her to work on herself, and up to you to work on your own life, and not be brought down by your parents or family. In the case that she does attempt suicide, there are clinics. There is professional help. But it sounds like she is already getting that, with the anti-depressants you talked about.
What someone told me is that you can ask a suicidal person if they have thought about how to kill themselves. And if they have, you can ask how, and if it is for example by shooting themselves, you can ask if you can take the gun with you when you leave. Remove the object. Also, you can talk to the person directly about suicide, and tell them that you would miss them a lot of they left, and that they are wanted here.
Have you been to a therapist to talk about any of this? It is very tough to live with someone who is suicidal, and you should not over-estimate yourself. It would help to talk to someone to process what is happening.
It puts a lot of strain on you to live with this. And you need to be able to handle it correctly, otherwise you could very well sink into depression yourself. So you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and possibly talk to a professional.
As a last comment, don't try to put the blame on yourself. It was your mothers choice to have sex, and that is how she got pregnant. It is not your fault. And even young mothers can have educations, her choices were made by her, and if she made the wrong decision, it is her fault, not yours. Has she ever told you she blames you? Or is this only what you imagine happened? Either way, try and look away from this. Your mothers depression is likely NOT your fault. Even if she was older and got an education she could still very well end up numb. If it is a mental issue, then it is more than likely inherited. Which is also a reason for you to look after yourself.
Pregnancies can often lead to depression as well. Which again points to the fact that your mother could have been older and educated and still become who she is today. Speculating in the past wont do no good. I hope that helped.
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