A
female
age
41-50,
*atieBird
writes:My mother is very controlling, and is emotionally damaging to me. A little background info on her: divorced my father when I was 6 yrs (famiy rumor is that my hardworking father didn't make enough money to keep her happy), around the same time my mother cut off all ties with her own mother (rumor has it that my grandmother was very controlling- see a pattern?). Both my parents are remarried- my mom remarried a lawyer (so she got what she wanted) and my dad remarried a wonderful woman who has really been a second mother to me. She has always been there to do the things with me that a mother should do, but mine will not. I am the oldest of 5 children- my mom thinks the other 2 oldest children are screw-ups...the 2 youngest are too young to tell at this point. I own a condo, have a good job, work hard, have a college education, and am engaged to be married in less than a year. My brothers are not screw ups at all- one is in college, lazy, but gets his work done, the other brother is in school also studing to be an audiologist. I have no idea what her basis is for us being "screw ups". I have been facing all sorts of problems with her my enitre life...examples: her following me on dates in high school, listening in on my phone conversations, laying down very harsh punishments for silly mistakes, etc. My current problem is my wedding planning. I feel, once again, that she is trying to control everything. It is her way or no way. She feels my ideas are stupid, guests on my list of invites shouldn't be included, and is ordering my fiance and me to take these pre-marital quizzes and courses through local Catholic churches. I say ordering because it has turned into: If you do not take those classes, don't count on me assisting you with your wedding costs. I calmly explained how I feel about her trying to force me into doing things I don't want to do (where to have the reception, who to invite, etc.) and once again she dangles the money factor over my head saying: You go ahead Katie and make all the mistakes you can possibly make (she always plays the older wiser role) but don't expect me to be there to fund those mistakes. I wish I could take the time to explain all of the things she says and does to make me feel so low. I cry almost everytime I get off the phone with her. She does not offer up advice and make suggestions, my mother spits out orders. I don't understand why she behaves this way. When she talks to me there is always a hint of anger or sarcasm in her voice. When we went over to show my mother my engagement ring my fiance said: Well, did I do a good job? To which she replied: I don't know, I didn't see the reciept. I don't understand why she can never just say something positive. My grandmother and I do have a good relationship even though my mom doesn't speak to her, and she has told me that my mom is just evil. She makes enemies with everyone and is never happy. I have actually pondered the idea that my mom is trying to make planning and paying for the wedding as difficult for me as possible so that I will just say: that's it, I'm not having a wedding! I believe this because she would, for the first time in 18 years, have to face and be stuck in a room with every one of her worst enemies. Her mother, her siste, my dad's family, and family friends that she has destroyed relationships with all in the same room with her...I don't know if she can take that. I am so lucky to have my fiance (who handles all of this quite well), my dad and step-mom who do provide the happiness and support parents are supposed to, and my fiances parents- they are wonderful people. Everyone in my life is thrilled for me, everyone except for my mom. I just can't help but think that we'll eventually turn out like her and her mother- but not by my hand. No matter what she does to me- I just couldn't dream of actually ending our relationship. I am looking for suggestions on how to handle this. Should I recommend counciling, or seek it out on my own? Should I write her a letter so that she can't interupt and put me down? Talk with her? Tell her she is not welcome to help me plan my wedding? The money thing is unfair- it is a condition, not a gift. If she would like to give me a gift, it must come without conditions, if it cannot be that way, then I don't want her money. I'm desperate because she is the one person in my life that I wish could be happy and behave as any other mother would when her oldest daughter is getting married. I fear she is really laying down the controlling behavior because she will not be able to have any control over me at all once I am married. It has also been suggested by family members that she is very jealous of me- and I think that is sad. Mothers should not be jealous of their daughters ever.
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divorce, engaged, fiance, grandmother, jealous, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): what must i do my mom doesnt want to understand i want to go to a art school thats where i belong i dont want to go to a normal school i want to follow my dreams and talents what must i do?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Mother relationships are so difficult because they play emotional cards all the time and because we always want to please our mums, and they know it, they will enforce feelings upon us. If I knew then what I know now I would not have done many of the things I did - which were often to please her. My mum had the knack of influencing my thinking through guilt and all kinds of things - now I'm 35 the effects are still there!! Break free - you have to keep in touch with what feels right for you. It is so hard to do but you are NOT responsible for your Mother. You have a new life ahead - grab it with both hands and you will never regret it. There are lots of useful books on this subject such as "Families and how to survive them" and stuff like that. Only an idea but it often helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Wow sounds like my mother but she is more controlling than that she won't let me do anything by myself and she is jealous of me cause of my relationship with my fiance. She won't let me move out till I get married though I am 18 but when my fiance comes down here and after he gets a apt ill go move up there with him but I'm not gonna tell my mom cause she would flip out and say absolutly not. So I'm gonna break free I can't stand living here anymore she's driving me crazy
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A
female
reader, KatieBird +, writes (20 November 2007):
KatieBird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind thoughts. I need all the advice I can get on this one!
I should clarify though, my fiance and I have no problem paying for the wedding ourselves. I guess I focused a little too much on the money factor, but it really bothers me that my mother insists on holding it over our heads. I feel like she either believes we will meet her requests because we'd do anything to have her help fund the wedding (and trust me, she could pay for me to have 3 or 4 weddings), or that she believes that because we will not want to meet her requests that we will call off the wedding and elope or something. If we were to call off the wedding, then she wouldn't have to face her enemies. Maybe I am reading into it too much. I don't care about the money, in fact I think it would be worse if she said: unless you meet my requests, I will not come. That would be worse in my opinion. I don't want to include her in any part of the planning, and this deeply saddens me. I wish more than anything that I could take her dress shopping, pick out flowers, etc, but I feel she will instead miss out on all of that. Maybe her regret will end up being her own punishment- she'll never admitt she feels it though.
Thanks again everyone!
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A
female
reader, Pea  +, writes (20 November 2007):
God you poor thing, your mother has become so unbelievably embittered over the years that she is just a big ball of venom. This is not your fault and I commend you for being so level-headed and not turning out like her and continuing the pattern. You definitely do not need her in your life in the state she is in now. Something, or many things have obviously happened to her to affect her in this way and she has apparent control issues, is obsessed with money and achievement and is displaying that classic "can't ever be made happy" attitude that bitter older women sometimes fall into.
A letter would be a good idea, but a better idea would be to write out a few points to jog your memory and just go and talk to her as openly and as kindly as you can. Ask her, PROBE her to see what is was that has made her like this, if you are open and expressive enough in an assertive and confident way (don't plead with or nag her, she will see this as weakness) she will probably break down. She has herself under a lot of stress keeping herself that way and is probably unwell from putting herself through such stress and tension all the time. Try to relate to her, she is a victim in this aswell, along with your siblings, dad, fiance and yourself. Explain to her how you feel about the money and the wedding, put your hand on her, look at her and tell her everything's alright. I know it sounds totally cheesy but it often just takes a bit of genuine kindness to take the hard, crusty shell off people.
If she doesn't respond to this method, give her a written letter of examples of her despicable behaviour so she can see them and judge them for herself. It can be harder to delude yourself when the truth is in solid form on a page in front of you! You can also talk to her new husband and see what he makes of her attitude.
If worst comes to worst and it doesn't make a tap of a difference, get her out of your life and move on but make sure to look out for your siblings. Good luck and have a wonderful wedding, with or without your mother.
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A
female
reader, dear deedee  +, writes (20 November 2007):
if you love the man you intend to spend the rest of your life with go for a smaller wedding were as you could may be pay for it all yourself then your mum would have nothing to hold over yourself or your husband to be. Show her that you dont need money or proof of how much your partner paid for your ring and that all you need in life is love not matterial things (unlike your mother). And remember your mum is on her second marraige, you should not let her or anyone tell you to have your wedding its your big day (and hopfully your only one) so do it the way you want it or your only regret it in the long run,and your never get the chance to get the moments back. i hope you and your husband to be are very happy together, dont let anyone tell you how to live your life it will only bring heartache.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): Dang. I think my mom has been jealous of me before too. You have to put your foot down. I would suggest you get counseling on ways to deal with her, and like you said, you could write her a letter. Write in your diary too, or get one. Draw pictures, write things, everything you feel about her. Go all out in this diary. That's what I did concerning my mom. When I say put your foot down, I mean say, "I don't need your money. If I have to, I will marry this guy for $50 bucks in a courtroom/I have other relatives who could help me with this wedding." I personally think that you should move to another state once this wedding is over with. You can still see your mom, just not have to deal with her as often. When on the phone, tell her when she is hurting your feelings. If she doesn't seem to give a care... *click* that's what the hang up button is for. Disconnect the line if she tries to call back after that. You need some you time, without someone being overbearing on you.
My mom used to tell me how bad men were, and she'd act like I was some sort of slut when I asked her about my body. She always thought I did things that I didn't do, and made a big mess over them. She's now on drugs, but I will probably be moving when I get on my own two feet.
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