A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mother is a compulsive hoarder. She has been for as long as I can possibly remember, and once my father left it took over everything. I remember rushing to clean my house on my tenth birthday, so the friends I had invited over wouldn't see how much of a mess the house really was. Since then I've never had any friends over, it's absolutely humiliating to have to make up excuses when they ask why I don't invite them. I feel terrible for not being able to reciprocate.Even as a child, my mother would continually tell me she needed my help to clean up, and that it would be so nice to let people in the house. I'm now 22, and nothing has changed. It had gotten so bad that for a while she slept on the couch, because her bed was covered with junk. After the living room became blocked off she began sleeping in my room, when I was around 15. I rarely get a full night's sleep as she tends to wake me up in the middle of the night, and still chooses to ignore the fact that this was the major reason I was always too tired to go to school or work.I now feel like I'm at a breaking point. I want to break down and cry every time I attempt to clean and get discouraged by how disgusting it is. We have several leaks in the ceiling upstairs, and there's now severe damage that can't be fixed until everything is cleared out of the way. I don't know what to do any more, part of me wants to just leave. Sometimes I feel like I can't bear this any more, because it's entirely my mother's problem and my mother's fault, yet she continually blames me for it. Even the car is packed with useless things, and I somehow get the blame for that as well. Unfortunately, without me things will get worse. They're already bad as it is, she tends to buy a lot of food and then forgets about it and loses it in the clutter unless I find it or remind her about it. At one point I even found cobwebs on the stove, literally *on* the stove. But, now things have gotten really complicated. I have a boyfriend, and would love to invite him over, but can't. It pains me to know he can never come in, that we can never do anything here rather than always going to his place. He's even asked to come over on days I've been sick, so I would at least have company and be taken care of.My question is this; what should I do? Staying here makes me terribly depressed, but leaving would make my mother's state worse. Just mentioning moving out sends her into a panic, and even with me here she does things that are incredibly negligent, such as leaving dishes in the sink. My boyfriend and I have already spoken about moving in together, and he would gladly let me stay with him as soon as tomorrow if I so much as asked. The only reason I haven't is because I feel it's too early in our relationship for such a big step, as we've been together now for six months. So, it's not an easy situation in the least. Should I stay here and be depressed but have peace of mind about my mother, or leave, be happy, but worry all the time?
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female
reader, newco +, writes (3 December 2009):
Oh, how I feel for you. I know it all too well. My mother and three siblings are hoarders. One is an extreme hoarder who needs REAL help. It has even carried over to animal hoarding. When it's brought up, it's joked about it as if it's all in good fun, that way, the problem isn't "real."
It's sick. The car, the house and everything is filled with trash and junk. In the car, there is only a small space for the driver. Ahhhh...some would say it's not my problem. (My parents, to be exact). It's hard on me. My only defense is to keep cleaning and throw away stuff so I never become one of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): I sure feel for you. In my case, this "hoarding" didn't get out of hand until all of us were adults and moved out of the house. We always had clutter, but only in certain rooms. My mother can't throw away anything; everything seems to have value. It's sickening. Hoarders don't realize that they use space for junk instead of for people. We have a large family, so it's hard. In addition, I see this sickness has spread to 3 siblings. In one case, it's extreme. I mean, EXTREME. What does one do? How do you call the Health Dept on your own sibling? You don't. You hope nobody ever finds out. Everytime I get caught up with these emotions, I clean and throw stuff out. I will NEVER be a hoarder!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replies. To eyeswideopen, she definitely needs therapy, hoarding is far from her only issue. Unfortunately she refuses to seek out any help, she even avoids seeing a doctor when she's sick. It's ridiculous. When I was younger I used to beg my closer relatives for help, at ten and eleven years old. They didn't want to get involved, they're all (including my mother) the 'if I ignore the problem it doesn't exist' type.Tigerlily, unfortunately I've attempted this a couple of times already. I've tried talking with her about it and my concerns just fall on deaf ears, it's as though she doesn't realize how big of an issue this really is. I recently gathered some of her things that I knew weren't necessary like old magazines and newspapers, clothes that are ripped or ruined in some other way, and she gets extremely angry at me for it and starts a fight. It makes no sense, one minute she'll tell me I should be cleaning up while she's off at work, the next she says I don't do anything right and shouldn't be moving her things. I try my best to curb her spending, usually I can only do this when we're out and able to remind her that we don't have room for anything new. One weekend she bought a large piece of furniture without even telling me, it's now sitting in the middle of the living room. I've considered calling the DOH to have an emergency cleanup done and support in convincing my mother she really needs to seek help, but I'm torn, because it would definitely make her feel betrayed. I'd never hear the end of it.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (20 November 2009):
I think you need to sit down with your mom and say "mom. I love you. You have a problem that is really impacting our lives and our relationship. We need to tackle this.". Then outline a 3 step process.
1. you need to work together to clean up your house and get rid of the junk. Start by doing the dishes, throwing out the garbage. Next sort the "junk" into piles. Clothes you don't wear go to good will. NO but when I lose weight, when I repair it, etc. If you haven't worn it in the past 6 months it goes. Next get the magazines/papers together. She can keep the current issue. All the others go. Put all bills/receipt papers in a box. You can sort through those later. Books get donated to the library. They can "store" them for her and she can get a library card to check them out whenever she wants. Household items not in use go out to the garage to get sold in a tag sale or donated to a charity.
Step 2. She has to go to therapy.
Step 3. She is not allowed to buy anything (besides groceries) without your approval. If she needs things, you sit down together a set time each week, makes a list and you approve it. If she brings home anything you didn't approve, then you make her take it back or you get to throw it out. Write this down as an agreement and make her sign it.
Step 4. Make a list of all the benefits of doing this. Focus on all the good things that will come of it. you will be happier. you can have friends over. You will stay in the house. YOu will be helping needy people by donating your stuff. When you've got the whole house cleaned up, you two are going to throw a party and invite your friends and family over.
Tell her you cannot continue to live this way and if she does not agree, then you will have to move out for your own well being.
Good luck sweetie and I wish you happiness.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2009):
 Your mother needs to have therapy, is she getting any counseling at all? You also need to get on with your own life so I would try to arrange both. Are there any other family members who can help you deal with your mother?
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