Have I lost him for good?

A female age 36-40, *rokenheartedagain writes:

First I'm new to this site. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. Well would be two years in twelve days. Everything was perfect. he has a child with another women before we met. His daughter is two. In the first two months of our relationship his baby mama had contacted me I'm various ways. Myspace, phone calls and text messages. Told me that he's been cheating on me and that I was a home wrecker I broke her family apart and caused her daughters heartache by taking her daddy. Now I knew about his relationship. She is nine years older then him. They way the relationship seemed from many peoples opinions was that she was usuing him till her other baby daddy came home from jail. They were together for six years. She has five children mind you and he was under the age if eighteen. Which is a crime in NY. All an all by the time I found all this out we already had rushed the releattionship. He moved in a month later after we met. So we were already in love. Our families were conected as well. I dealt with the cheating and public embarrasment for the next year. He denied it all even though he was literally caught several times. he still lies about it. Now this woman put me through hell. Called me and harrased me at all hours and days. It did not matter to her. I did not know he was still with her in re beginning. Anyway in January we worked out our issues and he knew I was not playing anymore. I packed him up in November he came back home in January. Throughtout the time he was not living here we still spoke everyday and was still sleeping with eachother. He even spent the night alot. There were instances in that year where I expected he cheated with other women. He was emotionally connected to another person but he swears it never got physical. Who knows. Like I said in January we worked out ourbissued so I thought. We got engaged in April. Everything was amazing. I knew the cheating stopped. His baby mama moved on to her other baby daddy and the other chick stop communicating as well. We were happily planning our wedding. He was helping as well. He asked my mom and everything. We bought a ring and I was now introduced as his fiancé . Everyone was either told or heard. Except his baby mama. We didn't tell her because she's spiteful. Sure enough June comes and he gets a warrent for his arrest and served an order of protection saying he beat her and age fears her life and safety of her children. She gets his daughter taken away. She won't let him or his family see her or anything. Three weeks later all the drama starts again. He went right back and cheated. I was having a hard time at work and had gotten really sick for about a month. He was with her for most of that month. All an all he stopped messing with her again. I found out about slot of the cheating because I investagated. I'd look through his phone email whatever. I paid fir 99% of our expenses anyway. We were doing a bit better. Then one night he started acting shady. I couldn't find anything. He started hanging out in parts of the house he never did before. Always on the phone. He stopped talking when I walk in the room. Or talk shit to me so I would fight with his. Now the relationship has started getting physical and very verbally and emotionally and mentally abusive. He then showed me nine respect. I figured it was because he lost his daughter and had no job. So I wrote it off. Then I find that passwords were changed and security lock was put on his phone. I found out the password to hisnphone and seen that he has been talking and texting a mutual friends friend. Also having sexual conversations with another woman. Now at this point I was fed up. I gave him a million chances. He would be seeing this friends friend whom I call MooMoo cow. He starts being distant and just stopped coming home alltogether. I then gave him a month to find a place. He started to get physical again. Now I'm 5'2 about 150lbs. He's 6'4 and about 300lbs. So no matter If I hold my own he's twice my size! By this time his family won't really speak to him and slot of his friends have cut ties because if who he has become. He moved out in the middle of august after we got into a fist fight and went crazy on him. He didn't even take his stuff I packed it and brought it to my mother in laws house where he was staying. We tried talking after this and I found out he was in a relationship with MooMoo cow!!!! Not even a week later. He said he loved me and was sorry wants to change and needed help. So on and so forth.we were still sleeping with eachother. Same as last time. Everything. We fought alot and then just stopped talking completly for two weeks. Which was a first . I started doing more instead if crying everyday. I couldn't eat sleep nothing and I had just lost my job so then I had too much time on my hands to fret over everything. I was scared to close my eyes because everytime I did I saw him and all these women. Then I states regreting my choices and we spoke about getting back together. In this time I met another man and was talking to him for a week we never went out never did anything. He knew my situation and knew that there was a chance my ex and I might get back together. We sent eachother explicit pics back and forth. A week later my ex and I got back together. He moved back in October 8th. He found out about the other guy and flipped. I have never cheated or lies to my ex. So he felt betrayed. It took alot of tears and work from both of us to build that trust again. We both agreed that certain things needed to change so I deleted all my social networking sites my emails as well as I changed my numbers. He was supposed to do the same. He said he broke up with moomoo cow and I belived him because he got his stuff back. He changed his number. All was fine we spent soo much time together. Everythig was perfect that I even stopped checking his phone and emails. He refused to delete his social networking sites. Which moomoo cow was on. I started to get skeptical again. Then the last two weeks we started fighting again. I accused him of cheating again. I felt he was up to something but wasn't sure. He then turned around and said all he does is go to work and come home. Which was true. He works nights 12 hour shifts from 7pm to 7am. So thenbi thought maybe I was crazy. He sleeps all day with me. He was supporting me while I looked for jobs. So I was convinced I was overacting. Ten this weekend I found out he hung out with moomoo cow!! Mind you he didn't speak to me really this whole weekend. When I confronted him about it he said yes he did hang with her just to piss me off. I spazzed. I called this girl and she states they've been together this whole time. I ask her if she's stupid and don't question where he is all day and on the weekend? She says no. When I tell you we were ALWAYS with eachiter I mean it. Even when he was at work we were always on the phone with eachother. So I just didn't understand it. I was heartbroken. He says he was not with her he didn't cheat he just hung out with her because I've been accusing him so he did it to piss me off. Which is no excuse so I packed his things and went on a revenge kick. I hacked his facebook and bashed him. None of it was lies. His own friends said that I was crazy an that I didn't exist. That they only knew him with moomoo cow and that I was just a jealous ex!! Mind you moomoo cow knew me and knew we were engaged. He still Denys any wrong doing even though I seen some things that say other wise. More on her end though. He came got his things and it was very hard for both of us. Deep down I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to fight with me tell me he loved me and he wanted to make things work. He did none of that. As a matter of fact he didn't say two words to me he just cried and left. Now I have no phone no job no money. We still talk and he still denies it. It didn't feel right. So I dig a little deeper. I give him 12 days to decide what it is that he wants. He don't like talking about anything his answer to everything is always " whatever". It drives me nuts. Yesterday was his birthday and he was here that morning. I asked him If we can talk about things he said when he's ready and we ended up sleeping with eachother. Last night he was supposed to come back so we can talk and he never did. So I text him and told him he might as well stay with his girl and he ignored me the whole night. I know they went out for his birthday. He said no. So tonight I spoke to moomoo cows friend who's also a friend of my ex and I. So she said that they were NOT together the whole time. That they would still talk but they were not together. He admired that but denied any sexual wrong doing. So now I feel like an idiot. The friend said they got back together two weeks ago which us when I started accusing him again so now I feel like I pushed him to do this. It's killing me becasue now I apologized and want him home so we can work on things and he says now that he don't know. He says he didn't go out with her for his birtday and stand me up for her but our friend says otherwise. I'm sorry for the long post. I'm very depressed and feel a mixture of emotions such as humilation, decit, pain, just everything. This is worse then all the othertimes. Idk what to do anymore. I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life and now I have no idea what to do. It doesn't seem like my life isn't with it anymore. I know it's wrong to say and no I'm not going to off myself it's just what I'm feeling and I don't have friends and my family is too close to the situation to give sound advice. Idk I just want my baby home but I think I lost him fir good as he's back with her. Any advice I'd thoughts will be greatly appreciated!! Again sorry for the rambling. Thank you in advance.

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A female reader, Brokenheartedagain  +, writes (20 November 2009):

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