A
female
age
51-59,
*ery
writes:My mother in law is not speaking to me again. We had some words. She is not entirely upset with just me. She is got a lot going on. House guest who came to visit and never left, quit smoking, possible job change etc. We live next door to each other and that is been very nice. But every once in a while she gets her feelings all bunched up and her only way of dealing is to shut everyone off and not speak to them. Even her own husband. I find it childish. But for me it has a deeper hurt. When I was younger I told my family about another family member sexually abusing me. I lost half of my family, some still do not believe me, my own mother. I associate me speaking up against her and her retalliation to be the same kind of hurt. I want to write her a note, telling her I am sad that she can not speak to me like an adult. 364 days a year she is my good friend. I dont know what to do. Family keep reassuring me that it is not just me. The last time this happend she just got better-out of the blue and we all just went back to normal but I swore I would never allow her to hurt me like this again. And Today I am hurting. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 April 2008):
 I have to agree with the words and advice that Tisha-1 has given you I must admit.
Your mother-in-law is treating everyone the same but right now you are feeling the guilt as you had words previously and so you are blaming yourself.
You are close to your mother-in-law the rest of the time and her shutting you and the rest of the family has hit you harder due to your awful past, I am so sorry that you suffered that at such an early age, I know it is unforgiveable at any age but for your own mother and other family members to have disbelief and cut you out of their lives is just not right and you should feel hurt and anger at the way you were treated.
Just out of interest did you ever go to any counsellor at any point to discuss this awful time in your life?
Your mother-in-law has been a replacement mother for you and your pain is tripled due to the fact that these words you had you have transferred onto why she has gone into her shell.
If this is an annual event for her then it could be that she suffers with SAD syndrome i.e. when the weather is awful and basically she gets depressed once a year and needs her own space. The ultimate way of helping someone with this is for them to sit in front of a light box every day for a short period of time during the Winter months and it eases the symptons.
Is your mother-in-law worried about anything right now to your knowledge, is she unwell or worried about another family member at all?
I think writing the letter and holding onto it until you know whether you want her to have it is a good idea as we always write a letter and vent our feelings which is not always correct but when we re-read them in a few days we think ooh I have been a bit too harsh there and maybe re-draft it.
If you want her to know that you miss her and you love her then just put that in a note and tell her that although you had words you think of her as your own mum and wish that she would talk to you as you are there for her and if you can help in any way you would like to as you miss the closeness you share and if anything is worrying her there is an ear and a cuppa just waiting next door for her whenever she feels like she wants to pop in. It is then open ended and maybe she might take you up on your invitation.
I wouldn't suggest to her what you think could be wrong but if she does take you up on your offer just let her talk and just be there to listen. We often find that even though we are hurting ourselves it is sometimes good to let others open up to us and our own pain or hurt seems that little bit less painful and if we can help someone we help heal ourselves in some small way.
We are all here to help at any time so never be afraid to come back and chat to any of us OK.
BFN
Country Woman
P.S. Keep smiling sweetheart and do some nice things for you even if that is a manicure or allowing you some ME time, read a book or have a nice long soak in the bath. Family life can sometimes be so hectic that we forget that WE need some ME time. Try to look forward to something as well even if that is a meal out with your immediate family or maybe a holiday or going to see friends, anything that makes you feel good OK.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 Hi Mery, I'm so sorry to hear about your awful history with your family; that is truly shocking and must be very painful for you.
Your feelings of feeling abandoned and hurt by your mother-in-law are natural and understandable. I don't know of any way to help you resolve them, so I suggest you allow yourself to feel them, feel truly sad and hurt, allow yourself the mourning that it brings with it. But you are really mourning the loss of your own mother in this family split, less so the hurt caused by your mother-in-law. I'm sure that intellectually you know this, as she is doing this to everyone.
Maybe if you think about it a little bit more, and understand that sometimes people need time to themselves, withdrawing into a little cave if you will, and it doesn't have anything to do with others, especially you. She does it once a year, right? Then give her that space to deal with life in the only way she knows how.
Go ahead and write the note, then put in an envelope and keep it for a while. Take it out in a couple of days and reread it, and then decide if you really want to give it to your mother-in-law. It may be enough just to get your feelings down on paper.
She doesn't love you any less just because she needs this one day to herself. You don't matter any less just because she needs to become a cave woman! Your feelings are natural and understandable, as I said earlier, but I think you wouldn't want to misassign your hurt feelings onto her, when it's really your family who deserve the blame for them.
So I'm sending you a cyberhug, and advise you to reach out to your husband and those family members and friends who do love you and care for you to ask for some comfort too.
Take care of yourself and those close to you, and try to forgive the unintentional transgressions of your mother-in-law, okay?
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