A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need a second opinion. My husband and I married almost 3 yrs ago. He is from a foreign country. Because we married, he received his green card. We lived with my mother, but moved across the street because he didn't want us to have children and not have our own place. He has a son in his native country. The first year he threatened to beat me to get money to send to his relatives and to visit his native country. He claimed that he'd pay me back for the thousands of dollars that I gave him, but the next year he still didn't pay and told me to consider it a gift because he never will. Every time we go to the store together he begs me to buy him things. He said that it is a joke, but I don't find it funny. I work days and he switched his hours to work a grave night shift so I rarely see him. After begging to date, he has finally agreed. I agreed to pay for the date the one month and he's pay the next month whenever he is off from his two jobs and it is a weekend. He intentionally pays less than me on the dates. He gets upset that I spend money eating organic food, but I try to eat healthy because I have issues with endometriosis and fibroids. He eats 2 times a day and I eat more. He only gives me $450 a month for bills and when I ask for me he tells me to turn off whatever service it was that increased. I am finding it harder and harder to support myself because of my husband. Every year he leaves for a month to visit his native country and doesn't help me with the bills for a couple of months. When I love, I give it my all. My mother has been telling me that my husband is using me. I keep holding out hope that it will get better. Am I being used?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): If the guy is from south Asia.....he would already have a wife in his native country..... and he not sharing bills with you because he is sending his income to his family and sibling in his native country. Trust me i am a south Asian and i know alot of guys who are using there foreigner GF/wife for their own advantage.
So dear, yes he is using you with out any shame and he will discard you soon when you wont provide him any financial assistant
A
male
reader, lifesgreat  +, writes (2 December 2014):
Put it blunt... he sounds an absolute wanker!
Threatening to beat you to send money back to his family is terrible.
Also he is not showing any care towards your needs , he should be supportive!
Just get rid of him and find a man who will look after you.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 December 2014):
 Yes, you're "being used."
It's amazing how some people (women do this, too!) will take advantage of a person (like you) whose motives are noble.... whilest their's (motives) are strictly self-serving....
Find out how to conclude your marriage..... then start down that road... IF it means that he ends up outside this country... then, that is simply too bad for him. We don't need any more connivers in the USofA America....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): I want to thank you all for the advice. In retrospect, I thought my husband was different from the rest because we eagerly shared with me about himself and wanted to settle down. I attract users and would avoid guys when I knew that they wanted to take advantage of me. On the few times that I didn't pay attention to the warning signs (that the guy was another user )the relationship would only last for a month. Throughout the marriage, I have struggled because I want my husband to spend more time with me and I don't know how to do nice things for myself and pay the bills. I enjoy being with my husband, but he acts mean to me when he wants money to go to Gambia, his native country. I'll have another bill to pay next year so I am going to talk to an attorney. He threatened to use my credit card to buy his ticket.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 November 2014):
 After typing all that even you must see that he's using you, because it appears everyone else certainly does.
It's actually a blessing that he goes away for a month so I suggest you come up with an exit strategy and make the most of his absence.
Speak to an attorney to find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are. Knowing your options is empowering and liberating.
Consider getting a safe deposit box that he can't access (preferably one he doesn't even know about).
Scan and digitally store family photos and important documents etc.
You don't have to walk out the door this minute, but you should be prepared so that you can leave any time.
If your mum can be trusted to be discreet then keep her apprised of your plans and progress, along with any close, trusted friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): I'm concerned with this sentence you wrote "The first year he threatened to beat me to get money to send to his relatives and to visit his native country." Is that what you really mean? If so, get the heck out of that marriage. As soon as possible!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 November 2014):
 I would say yes, he is using you. But I think you already knew that. I don't think it came as a shock when you mom spelled it out to you.
Like Auntie Bim Bim asked, WHAT do you get out of this marriage? It sounds like he doesn't respect you, doesn't really help take CARE of the household OR you. That his family back home are more important than you, so really WHAT do you get out of this?
You HOPE it will get better? That is like HOPING we will have World Peace. UNLESS EVERY darn nation work together to MAKE that happen, it's NOT going to happen. That goes for your marriage too, if you BOTH aren't IN the marriage for each other and to make YOUR life together BETTER.
I'm sorry, I think you not being realistic about him OR your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 November 2014):
 What are you getting out of this marriage?
From your question it appears there are threats of violence but no declaration of love from your husband.
It also appears there is an imbalance with regard to how much financial support you are both putting into the marriage .... why are you still with this man. What is it about him that you find to love so much..... what are his redeeming qualities?
From your letter yes, your mother would appear to be right, and you haven't given us any information to lead us to believe any different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): imo, he is using you for sure, and he is a horrible person. I'm just wondering why you even need to ask this question? There is no love in your relationship so why do want to be with him? He used you to get a green card, he is abusive and he's taking all your money. Please listen to your mother she is 100% right about this one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): I wonder if there are any events in your life that actually sound like marriage, you know, things like romance, love making, friendship, plans for the future, commitment ... If there are any such then perhaps this is a real marriage but even absent that though, I am still wondering what real husband leaves his wife home for a month while he roams some country for a month. Are you being used? You already have been used for a green card, and all other stuff, like short changing you on cash on every occasion is just his way of preserving cash for few more years when he can legally divorce you but keep the green card. That extra cash he never contributed now will come in handy for him later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): Yes, it does seem that he's using you. He's like a child of whom you need to take care of and not a partner to help you.
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A
female
reader, Queenofthegreen27 +, writes (30 November 2014):
I am not sure I can offer you proper advice as to what to do in this situation I am only 22, and I have never been married or close to it. Also, I don't have any children with a man, but I know if I did it would be very difficult not to want things to work out between me and the father. I know you want your kids to have their parents together, but you are in no way selfish to do what is best for you, and also what may be best for your children.As I previously stated, I do not believe I have the wisdom to give you the right advice, but from what you wrote in your post, I definitely agree that he is using you. Even if you took that term or thought away, and forgot about what your mother said (he is using you), stop and ask yourself with a clear mind: are you happy in this marriage? are your needs and your children's needs being met? I think you know the answer to that question. I don't know you, but wish I could hug you, because from this post I can sense your pain and desperation. I am here if you ever want to talk. No human ever deserves the threat of being "beaten." If he threatens to beat his wife, will he also beat his children? I'm sure you've thought about this all before. My heart just really goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck, whatever the outcome of your situation may be.
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