A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please give me some advice or help on this; In the past I have dated guys and girls, I believe in love has no gender, and as long as your happy why does it matter? unfortunately my mum does not think this. I have been in a relationship now for nearly 10 happy months, with my girlfriend. Even though I came out to my mum and dad 5years ago- even now my mum will not accept me , she makes it really difficult for me to see my girlfriend. I live at home and so I have to abide by their rules? but surely they want me to be happy? I have sat and talked with my parents , I feel like my mum will not listen to anything I say and im always doing the wrong thing in her eyes. Family is important to me. My gf's family accepts us, I just want my mum to support me and be happy for me. I even have to lie to my parents sometimes , just to 'keep the peace' but im finding it difficult to cope with and it stresses me that I cant be upfront with them, I feel like I tread on eggshells around my mum. My dad accepts me. I don't know what I can do for my mum to support me like a mother should. I feel like I cant talk to my mum- ive tried so many times. she is my mum so I cant ignore her, but its getting me down by the way she acts towards me, and who I am. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): Yes as long as you live in their house you abide by their rules.
OP I have no idea what your mother's problem is specifically but I do know the only way you can end the strife is by moving out.
Maybe it's not your sexuality that is the issue but your lifestyle in general, because yeah, some idiots think sexuality is a lifestyle choice maybe she does too. That would be made worse in your situation seeing as you're pansexual and technically can be with guys too so in her mind you still have the option of a "normal" relationship but chose to be with a woman instead.
It's very possible that when you move out, become and independent adult she'll have far more respect for your relationship because in her mind perhaps and under her roof she wants you to abide by her rules and maybe she thinks you ask for too much in terms of dating when in her house. You know it's well possible she'd be this restrictive of you even if you were dating a guy.
It's well possible she just doesn't want you dating the way you think you should be allowed to in her house and it's not the fact she's a woman but a disagreement on what you think you should be allowed to do as regards dating in general.
Time to fly the nest OP. I have to say when I was your age me and my mother had a tough enough relationship while I was living at home, I felt restricted and she felt I was trying to take liberties. That was all solved when I moved out, worked for a living became my own man and we could converse as two adults and not just like a teenage boy still living under his mother's rules.
You'd be surprized how many surface issues all boil down to that one little dynamic. You want to express your adulthood the way you feel is best, while you're living with her and she has a certain amount of control over you still she's still in mommy mode trying to enforce rules.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 First off, I want to start this by saying I'm terribly sorry that you're in this situation and I deeply sympathize with you. I'm also openly pansexual and have had family issues of my own when I came out.Unfortunately, you cannot force your mother to love you the way you need to be loved. Some people have draconian, outdated ideas about how other people "should" live their lives, and even when presented with facts, are so unwilling to alter their beliefs that they'd willingly alienate their own children just to cling to them. They love their belief systems more than they love their own kids. It's awful, and there's nothing anyone can say to you to soften that sort of blow. Again, I deeply sympathize with your plight and hope that eventually you can find self-acceptance beyond your mother's approval, and move on without needing her to be okay with your life.I think at this point in your journey, it would be best for you to start looking for a way to move out of your parent's home. There's no way you can get your mom to be okay with your sexuality and relationship, but you CAN seek freedom from her argumentative and confrontational nature by leaving the house. Even if you have to take a second part time job or get a roommate, I think it would be worth it to get away from the stress she's causing you. Consider the option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): One of my best friends is going through something very similar at the moment, and I think your best option is to save up to move out as soon as possible. My friend has also lied to her Mum several times, a few of which saying she was staying at my house, but her Mum saw me at the shops one of the times she was supposed to be with me and it made things much worse. You can't change how your Mum feels, but you can get yourself out of the situation where you have to lie or defend your actions. That will put just as much, if not more, strain on your relationship with her as her not accepting your relationship will.I'd also like to ask you one thing - whether your Mum only dislikes your girlfriend because she is female or is there something else? I only ask because my friend's girlfriend is very controlling, and is always shouting at her for having hobbies or meeting her friends instead of being with her 24/7. She has even applied for a job in my friend's place of work so she can keep an eye on who she is spending time with. I have lost count of the number of times my friend has called me crying because her girlfriend has shouted at her because she has done something 'wrong', but if anyone mentions their concerns she automatically assumes it's because they dont accept the fact she is gay.It certainly doesn't sound like this is your relationship, but I thought it was worth pointing out in case your Mum does have some legitimate concerns that are being overlooked because she is also prejudiced. All the best.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 I think your mum will never change. People who don't accept gays have old-fashioned beliefs and they don't change. That's just the way it is.
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