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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupids,I am having trouble with my mother and have done for some time. A lot of the time she really gets me down. I have lived away before but circumstances have brought me back home for now. She is always pressuring me to get with a guy and settle down as she says I am now getting on and should be thinking about marriage. I am only just 26! This makes me worried tho that maybe I won't ever settle down with anyone. Also I was diagnosed with endometriosis a year and a 1/2 ago which turned out not to be serious and it was removed but I always worry I may not be able to get pregnant if I leave it later as it can come back.I came out of a 4 year relationship in August with somonone who did want to settle down with me but it didn't feel right so I split with him. I then met someone else quite soon and he seemed like a breath of fresh air and I had high hopes but then he finished with me for no particular reason and it seemed like he was not as nice as I originally thought, this hurt me quite a bit. I always seem to meet guys quite quickly as I would say I am attractive and there are many who approach me. I have met someone else now too, but my mother's comments are hurtful and I find her very hard to live with. I am thinking of moving overseas to live and work and she has become even worse since I have told her about this. Not just yet tho as I have to think carefully about it. Thanks for your advice. xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 I thought I would also pass along this link to another person who had a similar problem. This girl's mother also tells her that she needs to settle down. It also might help you to read what other aunts had to say about her situation:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-mum-told-me--that-if-i.html
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (10 January 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
For some reason, it seems like whatever you do is not good enough. Have you tried talking to her about it? Like having a long discussion when neither of you are in an argument and things are relatively normal? Maybe she's just being too motherly when it's time for her to let you live your own life. Or maybe she's worried about other's opinions of you? (Not saying the others have a negative view of you, but if your mother doesn't like what you're doing, maybe she thinks others would feel the same way - so I guess what I really mean is she might be too "protective.") There are a lot of reasons why she might make hurtful comments.
I think the best thing to do - whether or not you have the discussion - is to not tell her so many personal things. My mother is a lot like yours, and I stopped telling her personal things a while back. My grandmother is the same way and my aunt said she deals with it by focusing the conversation on my grandmother instead - talking about what she's done, how she's feeling, etc. It's not the best, most fulfilling relationship, but at least they have an "amicable" one.
Have you considered going to counseling together (not sure how bad her comments have been and how long they've been going on)? You might want to try this to see if you two can figure out the root of the problem. You might even find that her remarks don't even have anything to do with you, but that they stem from something else going on in your mother's life - past or present. It's not fair that she's taking her troubles out on you, so maybe through conseling she can resolve her own issues and you two can work toward having a healthier relationship.
Have you tried talking with another family memeber about the relationship you and your mother have? Maybe they would be able to help you. Especially a sister or brother of your mother's. They would have probably grown up with her, so they might know something you do not - whether it be something that may have happened to her which resulted in this "attitude" of hers, or just how to deal with her personality in general.
As far as your relationships go, try not to let your mother's comments bother you. They are *your* relationships, not hers. And if you are or aren't dating someone, it's really none of her business. As long as you are happy then that's all that matters. Some people are happy never marrying. Everyone's lifestyle is different, and just because your mom wants you to settle doesn't mean that's what is best for you.
So in short, I suggest trying to have a discussion with her about her hurtful comments, stop telling her personal business, perhaps suggest counseling, maybe talk with a family member, and don't let her remarks about your relationship status (or anything else, really) affect you. (I'm sure you probably don't give her "tips" or "advice" on her's.)
Take care.
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