A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got married 2 months ago and I noticed that on my wedding day my mother was very cold towards me. Just to give you a brief outline- my mother is a control freak and at times can be toxic. As a child I suffered greatly with her being both physically and mentally abusive, so our relationship isn't the best.I did however expect her to atleast be a bit nicer to me on my wedding day as she had been looking forward to it all year!I was really anxious on the day and she did nothing to help my nerves and just bluntly said "pull yourself together for goodness sake". As she was putting me in my wedding dress she was really yanking the corset tightly- I asked her to stop as I was having difficulty breathing due to a panic attack looming but she just carried on muttering we'd be late (I was ahead of schedule). Fortunately my best friend who was my MOH stepped in and got her to stop.Throughout the day she barely spoke to me- and what upset me was in church, after we did the vows, I looked behind me, at her smiling and she just glared at me and sat there looking miserable.I have my pictures back and she looks miserable in 90% of them. Even her friends commented on how miserable she looked and she argued that she wasn't and that she was just tired....I can't understand why she behaved the way she did - she adores my husband (more so than me), she'd been on at us for ages to get married, we had a beautiful wedding and we live 10 minutes from her so it's not as though we are uprooting ourselves away.I noticed a few times on the wedding day that's she'd avoid me- she was on the dance floor with some of my family and when j went to join them she walked away - this happened twice.She didn't speak to me all day apart from dragging me away rudely whilst taking to my new in laws, so I could have a picture taken with some relativesWhen it was time to cut the cake she was nowhere to be found that the dj had to announce her name over the microphone to call her - but nothing- she was then tracked down 20 minutes later - with her friends at the hotel bar.She didn't even tell me I looked nice and just grunted at me to "walk straight" so I didn't look like an old lady!Looking back I realised she actually upset me on what supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Anyone experienced something similar or have any idea why?
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (14 December 2015):
She lost control of you on that day. It marked the end of her ability to be physically and verbally abusive to you. And she is probably very envious that you are happy and that she isn't. Perhaps her being especially nasty to you on your wedding day was one last attempt to control you thru your emotions. Don't let her poison your life any more. And have a great marriage!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 Yes and yes. Not when I married but at other events. I had some of the same issues with my mother growing up and she became this all powerful being whose facial expression could make or break the day. I tried 'the talk' more than once over the years hoping to clear the air, but it always ended in a screaming, profanity laced, vile name calling disaster (both of us giving and receiving) after which we didn't speak for weeks then eventually months. The wall got higher with each argument and because I had long since moved out on my own I didn't have to see her every day. Tempers would eventually cool but we spoke less and less often. It was a gradual thing so we got on well most of them time but the distance gave me time and space to grow into my own person.I guess you're still intimidated by your mother and still want her approval, which is why she has this power over you. That's normal, but save yourself the grief and don't bother trying to have 'the talk' with her. She'll see it as weak and deny what you say. She either denies or dismisses the past, I'm guessing, so I imagine you can't relax and be your true self with this huge elephant in the room. The thing is, you can and without any discussion of the past.I'll leave it at that for now and you can tell me if I'm on the right track with you. There's no point in my blathering on if I'm way off.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2015):
 Accept that this is who she is. And accept that you can not change HER or her behavior from 2 months ago.
You need to accept that you CAN NOT rely on her to behave like you think a mom should behave. She just don't seem to care what yo might need/want from her.
Personally, I would have cut the cake with or without here there. I would NOT have made her a center piece or important part of the wedding if she acts like she rather not be there.
Maybe you had a bit unrealistic expectations of her. Maybe she just isn't capable of being what you need/want. And there is nothing you can do to change that.
Remember you are NOT responsible for her behavior and you can not change it.
Now personally, I might sit her down and let her have an earful of how she made you feel ON your wedding day. And then let it go. There is no need to hang onto those negative feeling about something you will never be able to redo or change.
It's up to you if you want to keep her in your life or not. Whether you can accept that THIS is who she is. And stop her from having any control OVER you.
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