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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a very pure and innocent person and am celibate (restrain from sexual relations). Having just promised to celibacy recently my very close boyfriend of a year and a half and I have been disagreeing on things. The vulgar media today really bothers me and i do my best to not be around it or listen to it, however, when the time arises when we are watching a movie with some friends or something and some racy scene comes on i prefer to look away/leave and think it would be respectful of my boyfriend to do the same or even suggest getting popcorn with me or something. he says i am forcing my opinions of him, but i figure he should do it out of courtesy or respect because he knows how much it means to me. is this wrong and/or who is right?
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (23 August 2006):
 Typo! Yet again, that should say "uneQually" not the neologismn I spelt! Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2006): You seem to have a very commendable set of beliefs and values that I believe more people could do with.
I wonder though if perhaps you are not with someone who shares those beliefs.
I do think you are unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to avoid racy scenes as he probably sees nothing wrong with them. I cam think of perhaps a similar parallel, imagine if one partner were vegetarian, and the other not. There are certain things the later partner can do to "respect" to beliefs of the vegetarian, but at the same time you can't expect them to never eat meat in their partners company again. There is a compromise to be made, isn't there?
Similarly with you and your partner, you either need to come to that compromise or decide that you are incompatible. You have to accept that what isn't acceptable to you, may always be to him.
Maybe I am wrong here - but I'm wondering if there is an issue with you knowing he has access to less than pure and innocent women in the media? e.g. you arn't available sexually to him, but he can always find that from the media? Do you think you are perhaps insecure? If not now, perhaps it could be in the future if you know he is happy to view this aspect of the media?
In answer to your last question; I don't think it's a matter of who is right and who is wrong, relationship problems rarely are. As a couple you have to reach a compromise where you are both happy.
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): no offence but it is unfair to change a person for your own personal reasons! they were made the way they are and you have no right to enforce anything apon them. Why are you making him believe in what you want? why cant you believe in what he wants? im sorry but its kinda pathetic, just leave him alone to get on with his own beliefs and if you are offended by todays movies etc durh dont go to see them!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): Forcing your beliefs on others is a form of terrorism:-O
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 August 2006):
 Morality... the beliefs we have that we feel other people should have too, even if they happen to disagree.
The bit that stuck out for me was this:
"The vulgar media today really bothers me"
Now it's 100% fine that you have issues with the media. I too have big problems with the portrayal of sex, sexual roles, consumerism, and so on. I think TV is playing surrogate parent to too many children, and filling their minds with corporate values, not healthy ones.
But, and here is the but, that it bothers you like it does is not a good thing.
You can hold an opinion on something without having to get up and walk out. You can see something without approving of it, yet not have it cause you discomfort. You can hold your beliefs and opinions without being caused pain by them.
You are going to have a very tough life in this (unfortunately flawed) world if you react the way you do. You need to find a way to hold your values without having to insulate yourself from experience.
Whilst your beliefs are fine (I share many I suspect), your behaviour is unhealthy.
You need to look inside yourself and find out why sex causes you so much discomfort. Somewhere inside you perhaps fear sex, or resent sexuality (perhaps you feel sexually unattractive or inferior?), or did you experience some bad rejection in a previous relationship?
Find the source of your pain here and solve that. Don't look to your boyfriend to duck and cover whenever popular culture throws another bomb at you. It won't get you anywhere. Remember, sex is itself a wonderful thing, and has been with us as long as humanity has existed. Learn to separate your feelings about sex from your feelings about the media, it is a mistake to throw blame on the images you see in front of you. The discomfort you are experiencing is something coming from within you, not from outside, and is based on emotions and humanity ten thousand times older than TV and movies.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (19 August 2006):
My dear its a simple case of being "unewually yoked". You and your boyfriend are very different and its not up to you to change him. For example, I am a Christian but I do not force what I belive on others. I may respect another person for having another faith, but that has no bearing on me, I believe what I believe is the truth and thats all that matters. Perhaps you need to consider your relationship because you cant expect someone who is not like you to morph into you, its not fair to him. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): I think you've mistaken courtesy and respect for something else. This is a belief that you abide to personally. That is like saying if you are Christian, then your companion must be Christian as well. If you are vegan, then your companion must be vegan as well. If you only bike to work, then your companion must bike to work too.
Respect is when he accepts your own ways of doing things (up to reason). Courtesy is if you're all out at the rental store, and your bf knows you're against racy movies, then he would suggest something that is more to your liking with everyone else.
Respect and courtesy is NOT pushing your beliefs onto someone else and making him do the things you want. In fact, that is counter-respect. In other words, your bf doesn't mind and accepts that sort of media. If you and him cannot compromise on a common ground, then it's possible that you and him are not compatible as lovers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): i don't mean to be disagreeable, but if you want an honest opinion, i don't think he should have to leave a movie (etc) during the parts you find racy. because whether you want him to or not, he doesn't share the same view as you on these things - and that's okay. he doesn't have to. just the same as he respects you and your point of view, you need to respect his. and if he wants to watch it, he should be allowed to. and it doesn't mean he's being disrespectful. it just means he lives his life in a way that's different from yours. and if you two can agree on a solution than that's great. but if his lifestyle and beliefs are something that you don't think you can get past, maybe you need to find someone else. but i think you are forcing your opinions on him and that's not fair. think about it: what if he got mad at you because you didn't watch a sex scene he thought you should watch? what if he thought you should keep your eyes open during it and got mad if you didn't? that's kind of how you're making him feel. just try to compromise.
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