A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am a 13 year old girl. I am quite mature for my age; however I really don’t feel ready to handle what is happening to me right now.My mother died a few months ago, after her 2nd struggle with cancer. My dad was obviously incredibly upset when it happened, but he had to stay strong for his children. Recently he has started seeing this woman, who none of us really like. We feel she is changing him and he seems to be forgetting mum and pretending she didn’t exist. He gets angry if we mention her. I guess he is just upset about what happened, but I really don’t like how he is dealing with it. He denies that he has changed, but he keeps going out.My little sister (who is 5) has been teased at school by a large group of girls. I don’t think it has turned into bullying, and they don’t seem to have physically hurt her. But they have been saying upsetting things to her, mostly telling her she looks horrible and is ugly. I know that she isn’t and they are only saying this because they are 5, but it’s really getting my sister down. She won’t tell my dad because he’s changed so much and I think it's scared her. My eldest sister who is 23 has gone away at the moment so she can’t tell her. My other sister is 16, has taken mums death badly, and is mostly out with her friends. When she is home she is there for my sister, but she doesn't want to tell her about whats going on because she isn't around enough.I’m the only one who knows, but her school don’t listen to me because I’m too young.Some nights I find her still up, and not even in her pyjamas at 10 at night, and I have to put her to bed, and she gets upset because she doesn’t want to go to school the next day. She also says she is unhappy with how she looks.My eldest sister is coming back in a few days, and she said she will tell her then. But until then she’s really unhappy and I wan to do something to make her happier. I know that my dad will probably be fine soon, and he’s just upset, but it’s hard to see him like this.How can I make my sister feel happier? And sort everything out? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 February 2012):
 You poor, poor child. You know, I am sure your mother would be so proud of you, and how you are trying to sort everything out, and how you are looking after your little sister.
Sometimes, after someone dies, other people (eg, your dad) just seem to go completely off the planet for a while - it is almost like they've gone mad. They do things you could never imagine. And it can take years for them to start making normal decisions again. My dad died when he was 52, and my brother was 16, sister 23 and I was 30. We recently thought about it and said it had taken EIGHT years for us to start thinking normally again. But we are all ok now.
What I am trying to say is that your dad at the moment isn't himself. You've understood that, I know, but the main thing is that someone really really needs to take proper care of your little sister, and you, because you also aren't very old, and your other sister, 16, sounds like she also needs a lot of care at this time. And your biggest sister - yes, she is perhaps the one to talk to about all of this. Now that your mum isn't here to talk with in the same way, you need to sit down - I would say you and your two older sisters - and go through everything that is happening. Is there anybody else in the family who could help? An aunt? Grandparents? Someone you trust and who loves you. Because you guys need some help. And someone - an adult - needs to talk very very seriously to your dad. Although he is really grieving and showing it through almost his denial about your mum, he needs counselling and he needs support and to understand that you guys MUST come first, and especially your baby sister. I have a daughter who is nearly four years old, and it is every mother's fear - what will happen to my babies if I am not here? The answer should be that the family will take extra special care of them. Your dad sounds like he isn't capable of doing this at the moment, so the family really needs to pull together to sort things out. And your sister shouldn't be up at 10pm, as you know - she needs to keep to her routine as you had it with your mum.
You need to, then:
1. Talk to your bigger sisters.
2. All talk to someone else in the family about everything, and your dad.
3. An adult or adults talk to your dad.
4. Probably the family and you also talk together to your dad.
Please let us know how things are going. I feel like coming and looking after you!! : (
You are being so strong, and thinking about everyone else's feelings. Your mum would be so proud of you. But let's see if we can help you sort this out, and get some proper adult support. Because that is what you need.
Please keep us posted and let us know.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Oh honeypie, so much problems on your shoulder, your trying to be mum but you have no power, no money and your probably too short. The job you have is very hard, even if you was older it would still be very hard. Your trying to fix everybody and make them happy, but you is unhappy too. Yes you are very grown for your age and your mum would be so proud of you.
Let's tackle dad first. You know adults have sex and need adult love. Well, when your mum died, your father still needed this. His bed is so big without the woman he loves, and she always filled a certain hole in his heart, and he doesn't want to live without that. Without your mum your father is lost, and so if this woman can help, he will run to her. Yes you lost your mummy too, but you didn't lie in bed with her at night, breathing her air and feeling her heartbeats. Adults in love have a closeness that is different from mother and child. He is frightened to be alone, frightened the empty hole will come back, so he needs a woman. Maybe she's not as good as your mum, but without a woman he won't be able to sleep. So try to understand and try to be nice to the new woman (if she is decent) so she won't run away and leave your dad sad and alone. It's different for you, you have sisters, you have dad, you miss mum, but your heart isn't breaking like his is. No he hasn't forgot your mum, but for him to continue living he really does need something.
About sister... sorry babes she is having a bad time. You as a sister listen to her problems, watch her cry, make her know that she is loved and she has support. But again a problem, you is too young, you is too short, you have no power. She really needs an adult to fix this, and so you must tell dad to listen and go and tell the school. There is nothing that you or sister can do to make the bullying stop, you are just children, you can't make appointments with the headmaster, you can't go and get a lawyer, only dad can do that.
Try give him less problems over the new woman, so hopefully he will relax and not worry so much. But try to get him to listen about sister, tell him how unhappy she is, tell him she is being bullied and is frightened of school. Try to make him listen and he will go and fix it for you.
I know right now he has changed, he isn't listening, he isn't giving attention to you kids. But he is fighting so hard not to lay down and die. He wants to be with your mother with all his heart, only you and your sisters are keeping him alive. This new woman he got to try to help, to try to remember there is life without your mum by his side. She isn't what he wants, but she will do, and maybe in time he won't hurt anymore.
Go give him a big hug and kiss, and then say "daddy I got a problem, I can't fix it, and I really need your help". Solving the worlds problems are difficult when your alone and 13.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Dear sweet motherless daughter...
My heart truly bleeds for your entire family. I lost my mom when I was already a mother myself and it was 16 years ago and yet I feel your loss as deeply at this moment as if I was doing it all again today.
PLEASE private message me if you would like to talk more.
Are you and the family doing any kind of grief counseling? You should both as a family and alone as needed.
It's hard to watch your dad go out with a different woman. I was 35 when my dad started dating right after my mom died and it was like a knife in my heart... but I took comfort in the fact that it is a sociological fact that men who LOVED THEIR WIVES DEEPLY start dating sooner than men that were not as in love with their wives.
Your dad going out quickly is a testament to the love he felt for your mom. I know it does not feel that way or look that way but it's true.
My dad also appears to have forgotten my mom... but it's not true. even to this day... he slips up and calls his girlfriend by my mom's nickname... he calls me on her birthday and the anniversary of her death... AND he only sees me when I insist (we live in different states) because as I have aged I look EXACTLY like my mom and it's too hard for him to look at me and think about what he's lost...
so just because it SEEMS like dad is forgetting mom... he's not. he sees her every time he looks at you and your sisters.... and he misses her and was so lonely he is trying to fill a hole....
but you need to say "daddy we want you happy but we need you a bit too"
Will your 23 yr old sister be staying at home or is this just a visit.
It took me a long time to figure out how to talk to my dad.... my mom had always done it for me....
I wish you such good thoughts....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Its not your job, its your Dads, he should be made aware of whats going on, told how unhappy your sister is.
I know you want to make things better, your all trying to get over losing Mum , its far from an easy time for any of you.
Is there an Aunt or maybe Gran, an older female relative who you could talk to and share this with? Somebody needs to intervene before it gets worse and they can talk to your Dad. Your sister will be extra sensitive because she is still grieving and only little.
I hope somebody in the family does help you, remember they don't know whats going on until you tell them x
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