A
female
age
41-50,
*uirkLady
writes:Hi all. I really need help here.I have a Facebook account, and I posted that I was interested in women and men for friendship and networking. I never thought deeply about it until a week ago when my mom sent me the following Facebook message. "I am extremely upset that you would post such a thing under preferences. That is not anyone's business and you should delete it. If you want to pursue such a disgusting lifestyle that is your choice (somebody turned you out) but you don't have to advertise it for all of your family to see. I am very disappointed."The thing is, when she refers to me being turned out, she's referring to the time I was raped by my friend.I was totally shattered by that message. I am already in the midst of a depressive episode and that just hurt me so much. It hurt to know that my mom would not love me if I wasn't straight. It hurt that my mom would take something that I'm not even over and only started being able to talk about in the last year or so and use it against me. I always thought my mom was a sweet, if a little eccentric woman and I don't have that image anymore. Instead I realized my mother is a cruel and insane bitch.I haven't been able to talk to her since. I want to send her an email (we would never be able to discuss this over the phone; it took her fifteen years and several conversations to admit that I was raped. Before she always told me to suck it up) and put a halt to our relationship. The problem is, I feel so guilty. She lives all alone several hundred miles away and she's told me often I'm her best friend. She does care about me and before this our relationship was going very well. We could talk about lots of things and make each other laugh. I thought she changed. Now I hate her so much and I don't know what to do. I don't understand any of this at all and I feel like I should.If anyone has any suggestions on how I should handle this situation, I would greatly appreciate them.
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female
reader, illbjustfine +, writes (10 September 2009):
Hi:
I am really sorry to hear about your issue. It must hurt much more when things are posted on facebook. That happened to my friend when someone posted a hurtful message for all to see. Again I am really sorry. I think that when a Mom hurts us, it is the most bad feeling. I think you might feel or that she let you down. I hope you find it in your heart not to feel that way. All people have issues, even parents (I was molested by my grandfather who I so trusted, as my father died at a very young age). the reason I mention it is after going through all of my hurt and guilt, once I forgave and understood that this person had problems, it was a great relief lifted from my shoulders.
You must believe in yourself and even though not all may agree with you, it does not mean you are wrong. Is it possible that if you don't like your mother's response on facebook you can make it more privatized or limit what she sees. It is up to you. But most of all be proud of who you are no matter what. Don't be the victim...be the victor! :)I hope that helps for now. Best of luck to you. Feel free to respond if I can help. Take care. It always works out...don't worry.
A
female
reader, kazzor  +, writes (10 September 2009):
Hya hun from a mums point of view maybe your mum didn't think before she sent you the message, i know that your mum was wrong in her words,but forgive her you only have one mum sit down and talk to her this can solve a lot keeping quite and not talking makes you more angry and hurt, give your mum a big hug and tell her you love her its not the end of the world and you have your chooses and opinions just like your mum hope i have helped xx
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 Dear QuirkLady,
I think you are upset because of the following (but forgive me if I am wrong):
1) It was disgusting and tacky to have your personal business aired by anyone, no less your own mother, on the internet. That's understandable. I hope you deleted her comment.
2) She did not give you the benefit of the doubt. This is also understandable.
3) She has not accepted your lifestyle choice. Again, understandable, and probably the core source of your hurt and frustration.
As a mother, I have asked myself what would I do if I found out my daughter was gay. I happen to know I love her too intensely to have that affect my love for her. I would want her to be happy and to know that I accept her no matter what.
But let's be real. Being gay is difficult. You know this.
There is the feeling of being alone until you are old enough understand your feelings and connect with people (outside of the judgemental atmosphere of school) who can accept you and who are "like you".
Personally, it hurts me to think of my baby girl going through this, whether it is because she is gay or considered "different" for any reason.
Add to this that your mother comes from another age... You will not (in her mind) get married and have children, at least not in the standard way she grew up was thinking appropriate and worth-while. Her child will (again - this is her possible mind-set, not mine) never know the wonders of sharing her life with someone in a meaningful way.
She comes from another generation.
She may never fully accept that aspect of your life.
She DOES love you.
This is a difficult thing for you and all of your feelings are valid and important.
I would start by letting her know you love her but that you were hurt by her behaviour. You can also let her know you believe it stems from a misconception that because of your lifestyle choice, you are likely to make depraved choices.
If you do, however, try hard to end the conversation before it becomes an argument. Just because you do not win "today's battle" does not mean you have lost the war.
Start by trying to plant a seed. Do not expect her to agree with you immediately and do not expect an apology.
She likely needs time for the "education" she was given in her early days to be undone.
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Then say to her "Youre not treating me right as a mother should treat a daughter" and wait until she contacts u. Maybe a month, a year. But as a wait she might relize how she hurt u and ur not gonna take crap from her no more. If she never contacts u, u'll just have that kind of relationship.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 September 2009):
QuirkLady is verified as being by the original poster of the question Perspicacious:
I explained to her what I meant, and all she said was "whew!" My mother never apologizes. Frankly I am offended that she considers such an act "being turned out" and being gay is not a disgusting lifestyle by any means.
KaleenaC:
Just because she's my mother doesn't give her the right to hurt me. I have had a lifetime of verbal abuse from her for not meeting her expectations. How is she trying her best by sending me that message?
Anonymous:
Our situations aren't similar at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): just like my now ex partner who was looking for women,relationship when he was with me,made me look a fool
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A
female
reader, KaleenaC +, writes (6 September 2009):
 Shes just like that b/c ur her best friend, her whole world, so if anything bad happens to u her a half of her life will be missing. She just wants best for you by wanting u to be this prefect angel. Shes trying her best but she still needs some guidence and that where u step in. Guid her...tell her that u haven't changed ur love towards her, u just want her to accept u for whatever u turn out to be. Aslo remember, shes still ur mother and she will always needs u. If she makes u mad, u just have to remember that u r younger and probably the only one she trust right now. Also, just remember "words sting" if u know what ur doing but she probably doesn't know what shes doing.
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (6 September 2009):
It seems that your mother has read your preference settings and added a whole new meaning to them!
I'm not sure I would agree that this makes her a "cruel and insane bitch" however, and because the message she posted is very hurtful you are possibly over-reacting a little. Eccentric is maybe closer to the truth, but then I don't know her and you do.
Maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt in this instance. Social networking sites like Facebook are presumably a whole new world for a woman of her age, and the language used alien to her. As such you could take the view that she needs to be educated about what "friendship and networking" means.
This doesn't explain why she would mention you being raped though. I suspect it is because having thought you were looking for strangers to meet up with, she was worried that you were exposing yourself to a risk that it could happen again.
Why don't you send her a message explaining that Facebook is a site for keeping in touch with family, friends (hence friendship) and acquaintances (hence networking), and like most people you have people in each category that are both male and female.
I would then go on to point out that there are further settings for those looking for 'a relationship' and 'dating', and if you had any intention of engaging in "disgusting behaviour" you would have chosen those instead!
Hopefully having had the settings explained to her she will realise that she owes you an apology, and you can both move on from this incident.
Good luck!
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