A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ever since my boyfriend and I started dating, my mom has poked fun at him. I usually just laugh it off, because I used to poke fun at her boyfriend, but lately it's been getting a little harsh.We've been together for 7 months, but we haven't had sex. I sleep in his bed with him all the time, but he never tries to initiate anything with me. Whenever I talk to my mom about this, or how weird it is, she calls him gay. I used to think she was joking, but she told me a couple of days ago that she's completely serious.She works with a flamingly gay man, and he saw my boyfriend before she said anything about us not having sex. He automatically called my boyfriend gay, so now my mom is 100% convinced just because a gay guy said so.The thing is, I don't see it at all. I would admit if he had something feminine about him, and I have pretty good gay-dar, but he acts like an average straight 22 year old guy. He loves raunchy movies, raunchy comedy, doesn't care about his appearence, plays video games, hell he even takes home Maxiums every month from his work. He's a virgin, shy, and insecure, which I think explains the whole not having sex thing. My mom sees these as all excuses, and that it doesn't prove anything.It's making me incredibly insecure. I haven't had a chance to actually talk to my boyfriend about the no sex, and I've been worrying that he doesn't think I'm attractive, among other reasons, so this doesn't help me at all. My mom and I are really close, so I want to talk to her about him, but I just get upset now.Does anyone have an opinion about all of this? Am I just being naieve by thinking he's just shy, or respects me? Is there something I can say to my mom to convince her he's not gay?I know I probably should just get thicker skin and not care so much about what she says, but that's way easier said than done.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Okay, so the roommates could also be playing a role since you two don't get to spend much time alone. Find somewhere else for you two to hang out other than at his house. Maybe your place would be more suitable?
Also, as far as initiating anything, the next time you two are kissing and cuddling, just put your hand down there and start rubbing him. And then, if you're willing to go down on him then do that. I don't think any boy would refuse a blowjob, lol. If you're not comfortable with giving him a blowjob, then whisper into his ear what you would like him to do to you. You could even guide his hands across your body if he's too shy.
Communication is key, so if you drop major hints like this and try initiating things with him and he's still unresponsive, then ask him why he isn't into sex. You could even make it a joke, like "You're the only guy I've ever been with that hasn't tried to get in my pants" or something like that. If he isn't really into sex it doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, it could possibly be that he's asexual.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe never really have much time to just ourselves. He lives with 3 other people, so it's not always easy to get us time. It's getting on my nerves, and it's something I want to bring up to him next time I see him for sure.
And dont get me wrong, we don't just lay next to eachother in silence untill we fall asleep, there is touching, kissing and cuddling and such, but nothing goes further than that.
I'm hoping the main issue here is communication, and not that he's some secret gay. :/
To answer the female anonymous, I'm actually not 100% sure if I'm ready to have sex with him, I'm a virgin too, but I would be open to any other kind of fooling around. I probably will have to make the first move, I'm just afraid he'll get nervous and not want me to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): There is something odd about your entire relationship. In seven months, you haven't found time to talk to him about sex??? How about all those hours you're lying in his bed not having sex with him?! 22 year old guys want sex. Unless he has very strong convictions for not wanting sex (religious, etc), he would have had it by now, if not with someone before you, at least with his own girlfriend of seven months. Something is seriously strange, and even though it's not what you want to hear, he could very well be in the closet. Regardless, you need to bring up the situation with him ASAP. Sounds like your relationship could use more communication, among other things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): First off, you can't tell if somebody is gay just by looking at them. Second, if your boyfriend WAS gay, do you really think he would be in a long-term relationship with you? Third, it's your relationship, and if you really care about this guy, then just learn to disregard what your mom says about him. You're an adult and therefore can choose who you want to date. Heck, maybe you and your boyfriend get along better than she and her boyfriend and that makes her jealous. Or maybe her boyfriends were always after sex, so she assumes your boyfriend is gay because he isn't just using you for sex.
Also, being shy would especially make it difficult for him to want to initiate anything, especially if it's his first time. So the reason he hasn't tried anything could honestly be the combination that he's shy, insecure, and still a virgin. Those are some pretty hard things to overcome in an intimate relationship.
The reason could also be that he's respectful to you and doesn't want to screw things up by rushing you. Seems to me that this boy actually has morals and isn't just using you for sex!
But the real question is, do you want to have sex with him? If you do, then it sounds like you are going to have to make the first move. Try making a move on him if you want something to happen or talk with him about his feelings and how you would like to become more intimate with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): By the way your boyfriend goes about his life he doesnt sound gay, he sounds like a true guy! Have you ever thought because he is a virgin he may feel slightly uncomfortable making the first move. You should try making the first move, if he says no ask him why and try talking about it. As for your mum, even if you are close it has nothing to do with her, its about you and him. try having a romantic night in and sauce things up a bit he might just get the picture.
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