A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im sorry this is a kinda long qiestion, my parents have been together for over 30 yrs, but a few weeks ago my father created an argument and walked out on us, my mother wants me to speak to him as she has tried but to no avail. Im not a child, Im in my mid-20s but Im terrified of this conversation as I feel this is something in their marriage that needs dealing with and I cant possibly have all the information, I really dont want to take sides but its clear as day my father is in the wrong.If I speak to him about this he may feel like my mother is talking about him in a bad way behind his back, which isnt true she's tryin to understand him and wants us all (my bro's and sis's) to keep up contact.I feel like he'l; think we'v picked sides and he'l feel more isolated and never come back, Im already a bit angry at him for doing this to our family but I was hoping to deal with that in my own time so it would be almost normal when we spoke, now I feel lke im letting my mom down if I dont ring him and im letting my dad down if i do?i really dont know what to do, iv younger brothers and sisters whoa re relyin on me to sort this out to as the younger ones still live at home as they go to school and i know its harder for them as they are living in it everyday.help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): I wrote the original question.
I rang my father aand decided to just chat and told my mom as much, I cudnt bring myself to ask any question and im glad i didnt, hopefully they will sort it out themselves and we can have our happy family back, they have both recently retired so hopefully this is just because of a change in lifestyle.
thanks for all your answers!
A
female
reader, DIE-romantic. +, writes (3 July 2007):
 No way should your mother put you in that situation! Its completely unfair. Your mother and father should sort it out between themselves, they shouldnt be dragging you into it. I wouldnt say anything and tell your mother that to, as it is too much pressure and it could quite frankly, make things worse. You should also tell your father that your not getting involved or taking sides as well.
Hope it helps.
Let us know.
xxx
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (3 July 2007):
This too much pressure on you. Obviously your mum knows you have a good relationship with your dad up to now, and that’s why she thinks you can help – man to man. But however close you are, he is your dad, not your best mate – there is a big difference. It is always very tricky getting involved between any couple – and between your parents – no! no! no! You can help your mum and your younger brother and sisters by being supportive to your mum, listening to her, helping out – you know the stuff. Explain that she must try to find out what happened herself, maybe after things have cooled off a bit. Just by keeping in contact with your dad, you will be helping, by making it easier for him to stay close to the family. But don't pry into his private business. By the way, I know you are mad at your dad, but don’t judge him. No one knows what goes on in a marriage, not even the kids. No, I’m not blaming your mum either – problems could have been building for years without you realising. You must really be feeling the pressure, but your instinct is the right one. Stick with it.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (3 July 2007):
 There's no reason why you can't go round to your dad's place and have a talk with him, daughter to father. You don't have to take sides, but just listen to what he has to say. Let him know that all the family miss him (including mum) and would love you to come back. Don't say "mum said this" or "mum said that", but there's no reason why you can't give him some advice and tell him what you think. I did that years ago when my parents broke up, my mum left my dad and my dad was miserable. He asked me to speak to my mum about it because he never imagined she would have actually left the house so I did, (I didn't tell her my dad asked me though), we had lengthy conversations together and it turned out she still DID love my dad, but they just had to compromise more. In the end they DID get back together again with my mediation so it can work!
Don't judge your mum OR your dad too harshly, yes, they're your mum and dad but they're still human and have flaws and feelings and sometimes THEY lose their way in life too, they don't have the answers to everything the way we thought when we were younger and sometimes they need our help. So if you feel you can help them then I say go for it. It CAN work, it did my my mum and dad (and they were almost 30 years married at the time too). Let him know you're there to talk to him as YOU, not because your mum sent you and talk to him as a mature adult. You're in your 20's (same as I was) and you have your own mind, let him know how a woman feels, how she needs to be reassured at times and how she needs to feel loved. What do you have to lose?
Eve
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A
male
reader, Shortacid  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 I wouldn't take sides, been there through my parents divorce and it gets nasty. My mother took offense over the fact I saw my dad and my dad got angry that I didn't see him enough.
Its a Catch-22. There is no right answer, there is no right action from you. You will be scolded by someone for something. Those are the lashes you have to take.
It seems as though your father is unhappy with his life. He may feel rapidly approaching retirement, 30 yrs in marriage, and kids with responsibilities. There could be a 1000 reasons for why he did it. You should take him out to dinner one night (possibly right after work, so he won't be worked up from the argument.) And ask him about himself. Ask if he is happy, see if something has really been weighing on him. (Mention he hasn't seemed himself lately, did something change.) He might put up some resistance, you just got to keep at it.
You have to be a psychologist in this matter. That is the only action to take really. The information may or may not benefit your mother into understanding the problem and help to resolve it. But you will know what is upsetting your father, who is also a human. I found the mood of the family is greatly affected by the 2 lead members (mom and dad), so if this were to continue indefinitely, the family would be miserable. Case in Point: When my family was still one unit, it was very turbulent with fighting and lots of arguing. Once the divorce happened, everyone generally became happier. We were split but still family. I am not saying divorce is right, or that it will make your family happier, its just that people change. For whatever reason, life will continue to evolve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): Ditto, with the advice below.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 July 2007):
 Your mother is wrong to ask you to intervene in their relationship problems. Whether your father is in the wrong or not, it is up to the two of them to sort it all out. She has no right to get you stuck in the middle. By all means stay in contact with your Dad but DO NOT take sides in this matter. Encourage your siblings to contact Dad as well. I'm sure things will work themselves out in time. Just be supportive of both parents but make sure they know you do not want to be forced to take a side as you love them both. Good luck, Honey. Keep us posted.
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