A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mom turned 48 today, and it scared me. Lately I've been worrying about my parents growing old and dying. Not that they're in bad health but it always happens eventually. And it just makes me so sad to see them get older. So how can I get over this fear and enjoy them while I still can? Reply to this Question
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reader, baddogbj  +, writes (11 September 2008):
 I'm 38. My father died a few years back. Although I love my Mum dearly, my father was always my number 1 person in the world (and that's despite me being away at boarding school and all of those things that some people say distance Englishmen from their parents). I was 7000 miles away when he died and I was devastated BUT I knew that he was in no doubt about how I felt about him and I in no doubt about how he felt about me - although please be assured that we had never done anything so unEnglish as discuss our feelings!
Spend time with them, talk to them, seek their opinion, ask them to tell you their stories, show them that you are proud of them, do things that will make them proud of you and don't fight.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (11 September 2008):
Sheesh, you make it sound like us 57-year olds should be out selecting our caskets!
OK, teasing aside, I'm actually quite impressed that you are thinking about this. Granted, most 48-year olds should plan their affairs as if they will live another 30 years or more - which makes your "fear" a bit unfounded. And, do I detect just a trace of selfishness when you say YOU want to enjoy THEM? Like you're trying to squeeze the last few thousand miles out of a favorite old car? I'll pretend that you asked, "How can we please each other, and how can I honor them now that I'm not a child and becoming an adult?".
Now that I've re-written your question and put words in your mouth, I must confess I don't have a good answer. Let me offer a few observations from my own life that may give you things to consider.
I was 40 when my dad passed over. (My mother is still alive, healthy, and doing well at 87.) In the last few weeks of my dad's life I came to realize they had an entire life AFTER the kids were grown! They formed different friendships, developed different interests, and did things that were different from what we knew as a family while growing up. For the most part, I am quite pleased that they did these things. Occasionally I wish I had been more aware and involved in their after-children lives. Of course, I was establishing my own family during those years and my choices of employment imposed geographical separation.
I have good memories of extended times we spent together. Being together for a day or two at holidays or special occasions always seemed rushed, too structured, and artificial. I'd prefer the week my dad and I spent on a guided hunt in Wyoming. Or, when my mother joined us for several days in Florida when we watched a Shuttle launch. Or when they came to our house in D.C. for over a week, and I took vacation time so we could see a bunch of museums and tourist stuff.
Being on the other side of your question - as an adult with grown kids - I see my own kids starting to do similar things. Last Christmas they went together and bought materials to replace our worn-out kitchen floor with a fancy fake-wood laminate floor. For several days between Christmas and New Year's I worked with my 3 kids (and son-in-law) to install that floor and do some other things around the kitchen. It was a lot of fun to work together, and interact with them as adults!
I also get a lot of pleasure when my kids do well or accomplish things. My oldest son is a High School Science teacher, and I'm proud that he's excelling in an honorable profession. I was both pleased and rather jealous that he traveled to Africa this summer and climbed Kilimanjaro. My youngest surprised me last spring when he came home from university one weekend and announced he was going to run the St Louis Marathon! He did - and finished second in his age bracket - and his mother and I darn near died from chasing him around the course so we could cheer for him. He also had an all-A report card for the semester when he was training for, and running, that marathon. My daughter, the mid-kid, is heavily involved with starting a new church while raising my two granddaughters.
It sounds like I'm bragging about my kids, and I am. But the point is that what they do with THEIR lives validates, affirms, and honors what I did with MY life to raise them. Don't think there is a time - 18 years old, or 21, or graduate from college, or join the Marines, or whatever - when you are entirely "on your own". You STILL matter to them - differently, but maybe even more significantly, than when you were a child.
Your post raised the matter of death. I am not your parent and you are somebody else's child, but most of us parents belong to the same union so we have a "solidarity and brotherhood" thing among ourselves, and I will take the liberty to talk to you as a parent to a son.
I held my children when they took their first breaths, and I held my father when he took his last. Yes, I was there with him. Without getting mystical I will tell you that this completes some kind of a sacred circle. There is a mystery at death - in Christian circles, I would say a miracle at death. It is certainly different in nature, but no lesser in magnitude, than the mystery at birth.
When I was a little boy, about YOUR age, I heard people talk of being present when their kids were born, and I decided that was a good thing. (I mean, for the father to be there. The mother doesn't have much choice!) But nobody ever mentioned being present when their parents died. I'm telling this to you because it was significant to me, as well as my mother, and I'd like to think it mattered to my dad. If you are ever in a situation like that, set everything aside to be there. Walk out of the meeting, take leave, let your wife and kids find their own way home from vacation, do whatever it takes, to be there.
Well, I said there was a circle here. About 6 months ago my mid-kid gave me an entirely unexpected, very meaningful experience. She allowed me to be present with her when my granddaughter was born! That was an awesome, yet frightening, experience. I had been with her mother when she was born, and held her only moments old. Then, I experienced the thrill of becoming a parent again, but also apprehension and concern for her and her mother. (The stereotype of a father who passes out in the delivery room has some basis in fact. Hemingway touched on some of that in the short story "Indian Camp".) Being with my daughter for those few hours was even more frightening and unsettling, but ultimately a very rewarding and cherished experience. And I got to hold my granddaughter when she was only moments old! This probably doesn't mean much to you now - File it away until you are married and having your own children.
Well, I warned you I didn't have an answer. Looking over this I see a disjointed collection of observations and comments. I hope there's something here you find useful.
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (11 September 2008):
 I am 33, my dad is 66 and in very poor health. My mom is 56 and in very poor health, both due to diabetes.
I know that the chances of my dad reaching 70 is a LONG stretch. Everything that can go wrong with him, has and its getting worse.
It upsets me no end thinking that I will loose my parents, but the way I deal with it is by taking each and every minute I get to spend with them. People think I am a freak for spending so much time with them. I go shopping with them, movies...everything!
I offer to do things for them that I know they can do themselves, but it makes me feel better knowing that I am doing something for them that is going to make them feel better and not aggrevate their medical problems.
You have to live in the moment. Spend as much time with them as you can even when people think you are strange for doing so. Dont argue with them, just accept them for who they are. Make sure that when the time does come, you have nothing to be sorry about!! You did everything that you could have possibly done to make that persons life better and more comfortable.
I do this every day. I spend more time at my parents than I do at my own house, but I only have one mom and dad and I want to make that count! I want no regrets!!!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (11 September 2008):
 Good grief girl ! Age 48 is a young person today. You are fretting over nothing, unless your parents lead an excessively dangerous or destructive lifestyle. Please relax and enjoy your folks all you can while they are so young. Hell, I woke up one day and realized that I was 60 years old, which many consider young today. It seems like just a few years since I was your age. We all die someday, but your parents have a very good chance to live at least twice that age if they live healthy (maybe much longer considering future medical advances). Best wishes.
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